It’s Sunday morning and I am really going to do this, I am actually going to go on my first ever date in the hopes that if the first two dates go well I will be having sex at the conclusion of the 3rd date. If we have a date on Sunday and again on Monday I could be having sex by Tuesday!!
Before I can even think about that I need to do some serious clean up and maintenance so I take myself of to Walmart for supplies.
I head to the section with all the personal care products and on the way I get distracted by condoms…maybe I need to buy some? What is the protocol for that kind of thing? Does the man supply them or does he not care about STD’s, am I supposed to get them? I sure as hell can’t get pregnant but there is no way I am having sex with all of M’s former sex partners so decided I better get some just in case!!! Whaaaat, they come in different sizes! Tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to know what size he is when we haven’t even had a date yet! Cripes on a crumpet!
That would be an interesting conversation…..”Erm excuse me M, I need to be prepared, you know boy scout motto and all that”….”Could you possibly tell me what size you are?”
“Oh…your a size 9, um yeah okay a 9..oh what! your shoe size is a 9…no no no, your dick, tell me the size of your dick”!! Yeah like that conversation is EVER going to happen!!!
I decide to forget about the condoms for now, after all I have 2 dates to get through first before I am going to need them and maybe a conversation will come up before our sex date on Tuesday so for now I head to the shaving supplies. I fill up my basket with everything I could possibly need to get rid of unwanted hair and throw in a few extra things for good measure.
I decided I should probably buy some underwear. I know this is only the first date and there will be no displaying of undergarments but heck I am 50 and I need all the fricken help I can possibly get to try and come across as witty, intelligent and sexy so if getting rid of the granny pants and buying some cute underwear is going to help in the sexy department I am all for it!!
Ladies…Did you know those push up bra’s really do push them up, who the fuck knew!!!
I always thought they were devices of torture and had never before even tried them on. Hell, I pull the underwire out of a new bra before even leaving the car park. Well no more!! I am in LUST with push up bra’s, my girls have never looked so perky! I even bought an extreme push up bra which is so extreme it raises the front hem of my dress!
While looking at the underwear a G-string catches my eye, not sure I will ever wear it but heck it was $1.59. There is hardly any material in them things but really, how do they even make it for a $1.59!! I throw it in my basket just because and continue shopping. I head to the self check-outs and start scanning my stuff, Nair for legs, Nair for bikini line, Nair aftershave lotion, ummm feminine deodorant spray etc etc etc! I scan the push up bra, the extreme push up bra, and a cute little pair of panties, not quite Victoria secrets but they will do, finally I scan the G-string…or try to! It scanned at $6.00 even though the price ticket clearly says $1.59….Now, what I should have done was put the G-string in the bag, paid the $6.00 and left but noooooooo I have to call attention to myself and let the whole fucking Walmart know that there is a totally quirky, fun loving, batshit crazy, sexually tense, completely eccentric woman who just turned 50 trying to buy a fucking G-string!!
I head home a little under $100.00 poorer and pondered just how expensive this date is turning out to be!!
Maybe I should have just had sex with the 36 year old creeper who told me he had never slept with a 50 year old woman and offered me cash!!!