Who knew they were so closely linked?? I certainly didn’t! Well, if I am being honest with myself maybe I did. But that was so many years ago, when I finally put the sexual abuse of my past behind me…The situation now is different! I had very little control over the events of my past however I am in complete and total control of the current situation and I find I am constantly questioning myself. Hell I can’t even blame my inner bitch because for the most part she just shuts up and lets me crucify myself.
So I have discovered Sensuality and Sex in all its wonderment and glory but I have also discovered “something else”!…there you have it readers!! The something else is…. Self Esteem! I bet you thought it was going to be something really hot, sexy and exciting and now you are really pissed at me because it turns out to be ONLY self esteem…But don’t be pissed!! It is not, ONLY Self esteem!
Having a good self esteem is important, in fact it is critical to ones emotional well being!! There are way too many external factors in our lives that can tear apart our self esteem without allowing internal factors to mess around with it too. So now the question is…how do I keep travelling down the path of casual sex and dating without doing serious damage to my self esteem?
Is this the million dollar question or what? I have two Mantra’s which I am striving to live by, the first is Carpe momentum….Seize the moment! None of us know just have many moments we have left and it is those moments that form the basis of memories so I am going to live the rest of my life seizing those moments and savoring every one of them.
My other mantra is a little more crass..DILLIGAF! which is roughly translated to mean..Do I look like I give a fuck!!! I have pretty much spent my entire life living or doing for others and also making decisions and choices based on what other people might think of me. I will no longer do that because quite frankly and honestly I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks!
I have had some feedback and comments from some of my readers on this blog, most of it has been positive but I have certainly had my share of people questioning why I would put all this stuff on the internet and expose myself in this way…..My answer is DILLIGAF! There is nothing, that anyone can say to me that I probably have not thought of or said to myself so honestly, why the hell do I care.
I think the adversity of my life has pretty much shaped who I am today, I totally think that who we are is directly related to where we came from. I am pretty sure at the age of 50 I am beyond giving a rats arse about what other people think of me but I DO care about what “I” think of me and that is what it all comes down to!!
Right from the start of this journey I was clear in what I wanted….To find someone whom I could go out to dinner with, enjoy conversation and companionship and at the end of a date have hot steamy sex then go back to my own home and bed…no strings attached!!
But is it possible to continue to have casual sex with the same person over a period of time and not form some type of emotional attachment to that person??
Maybe I should have started with someone totally FUGLY who’s only endearing quality is being hot in the sack!!!