So here we are again getting ready for another date with M and I am worried. In recent weeks both Nair and a razor have frequently visited certain tender areas of my skin that have now retaliated with vengeance…I have always shaved my upper legs but rarely shaved my bikini line, unfortunately with my inexperience it would seem I may have put Nair in places where it has no business being…You know that little cheeky area that peeks out from the bottom of your underwear, just below your butt and just on the top of the backs of your legs… I have no clue what that little cheeky bit of skin is called. I did try and Google so that I could tell the story correctly however Google failed me…anyway seems I got a little bit of Nair there one time, actually it was probably a lot of Nair there and it was probably a couple of times….Anyway you know what I mean!! So that cheeky little area of skin is screaming at me….I mean it is literally fucking yelling at the top of its voice and I can barely sit down!! Please tell me, how in the bleeding hell can I go on a date TONIGHT when I can barely fucking sit?
Even though Google has already failed me once today I decided to give it an opportunity to redeem itself and I go searching for a cure for this nasty looking, blazing red, painful rash that I have on my “cheeky bits”…. Well fuck!! If it isn’t shave bumps again..I’ll be darned!! Screw the cucumbers they did not work last time so back to Google to search for a different cure. It seems that toothpaste is the way to go, lots of people swear by it. I read the entire directions this time and confident in the knowledge that toothpaste is going to fix my little problem I strip down to nothing and head to my bathroom.
I have a little under half a tube of toothpaste left so I figure that should be enough and I generously begin to smother it all around my “cheeky bits”! I decided to do my inner thighs and bikini line for good measure and squeeze every last possible drop of toothpaste that I can get out of the tube. According to Google I am supposed to leave it on for around 3 – 5 minutes so I decide to go make myself a cup of coffee….The toothpaste has started to dry and as I am walking towards my kitchen my little cheeky bits are sticking to the bottom of my legs…Let me tell you this is NOT a pleasant feeling in any way, shape or form. I instantly stop walking…Here I am standing in between my bedroom and my living room, totally stark naked except for my slippers, smothered in dried toothpaste wondering how the fuck I keep getting myself into these situations….While this feeling of dried toothpaste sticking your skin together may be unpleasant or uncomfortable for a normal person, for someone like me with Sensory perception disorder it was almost more than I could cope with and I had no idea how I was going to get into the bathtub to wash it off. Very gingerly I move, inch by inch, almost sliding my slippers along the floor, which by the way was not a pleasant sound…I finally made it to my bathroom…my 3-5 minutes were well and truly up…It took me more than 10 minutes to move the 3 meters to my bathroom. I could not get in the tub fast enough to wash that crap off me.
All cleaned up I get out of the tub and start inspecting my little “cheeky bits” with a mirror, they are still as angry and red as they were before….So! I still have angry red cheeky bits but on top of that I now have no fucking toothpaste to clean my teeth with before my date!
Desperately I get on my laptop and message one of my staff members, I just know she is going to have the answers. Trying not to bust out laughing she sends me a link with pictures of products that you can buy to provide instant relief for shave bumps. I throw on the clothes closest at hand which happen to be my gym clothes, completely skipping the underwear I carefully pull on my shorts and hope that I do not get into a car wreck on the way to Target because I am not wearing clean underwear…I am not wearing any fricken underwear!!
I walk up and down the aisles at target throwing all kinds of shit in my basket to fix this problem now and to prevent it from ever happening again in the future, $36 later I head home, again hoping that I do not get into a car wreck. I am barely in the door before I am opening the packaging, pulling of my shorts and putting the lotion on my angry red rash…OMFG!!! Instant relief!!
Three hours later while getting dressed for my date I am applying a little more of the cream though it really is not necessary, the pain has completely disappeared and the rash is now extremely faint and barely noticeable….The moral of this story?? Don’t waste your fucking time with Google….get off your arse and go to Target!!!