After reading my previous post, this one is going to seem a little backwards in the story line and you might get thoroughly confused…all I can say is welcome to my world…and suck it up buttercup…just keep reading and you will get the gist of it eventually!!
My first date with M2 was successful, so much so that we planned a 2nd date for Saturday night. On Thursday I messaged him on PoF to ask if we could talk, I needed to make sure he had a clear understanding of what I was looking for and that this would NOT be an exclusive type deal…M2 preferred to have the conversation face to face so we met at a local restaurant for a drink. The conversation about it not being exclusive took about 3 minutes, we then spent the next 3 hours talking about a wide range of subjects…..I had already fixed my foot phobia so that conversation was not one I needed to have 😛
That night I had ZERO sleep, I tossed and turned all night long….You guessed it!! The sexual tension was back and it slammed into me like a fucking sledgehammer! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?? I am honestly beginning to wonder if the discovery at the age of 50 that chocolate was not better than sex was such a good idea after all. It feels like I have not had a good nights sleep since I started on this crazy arsed journey of discovery.
M2 and I exchanged several messages through out the morning and basically he got the message of how “horny” I was, so our date was rescheduled from Saturday night to after work that day. This did not give me the usual amount of time I would have spent preparing for any date let alone our first sex date but hey I improvised and made it happen.
After a wonderful dinner we went back to M2’s house and stupidly enough I was nervous, not sure why because I had just spent the last 3 weeks basically fucking a complete stranger so why be nervous with this stranger?
What happened I hear you asking? What? you did not ask, well who the fuck cares, let me tell you anyway!!!
No spoiler alerts and no specific details of my sexual encounter with M2…so suck it up!!
The experience with M2 far surpassed anything I have ever experienced in my life.
I did not wear shoes for 4 hours…..yep! count them (4) fucking hours!! Those of you who know me or are up to date on my blog will know that means I had sex for 4 hours!! Improbable you say….I would say yep, you are correct.
What M2 and I did was spend 4 hours naked in his bed. But for that entire 4 hours we were not engaged solely in sexual activity, between bouts of foreplay and sex we talked, we caressed, we kissed, we laughed and we generally enjoyed each others company and if you can believe it I got cramp in my foot and he gave me a foot massage, I swear to fucking god he did!!
After spending a little over 7 hours in M’s company I left his home a little after 2am…I felt like I was on a high and way to excited to sleep and spent the next few hours fitfully trying and failing. I gave up trying to sleep at around 5 am and I have since spent the entire day trying to work out what the fuck is going on in my head apart from the fact that I am seriously fucked up!!
The thing of it is, I have come to the realization that casual dating and sex is not for me…It actually churned my stomach when I thought of climbing out of M2s bed one day and then climbing into bed with M1 the next…..And let me tell you it was not a good butterfly type of tummy churn but the roller-coaster puking type churn.
So where does that leave me? I know that M1 is done forever and there will be no more casual encounters with him. I will always be thankful to him for teaching me that sex can be a wonderful exhilarating experience and SO much better than chocolate!!!
And what of M2, well this is where it gets a little tricky. M2s first message to me was that while he was looking for a “relationship” he enjoyed conversation and socializing and asked if I was interested in knowing more about him.
This is where the lines get blurred, M2 approached me on PoF as someone who was looking for a casual relationship, If I had in my profile that I was looking for a relationship I do not know if M2 would have ever approached me or considered me anything more than someone to have sex with.
While it is true that for us to have spent 4 hours in bed doing more than just have sex there must have been something more there….the only word I can come up with to accurately describe it is “substance”…..there was more to it, than just sex!
And it is this substance that has made me realize that casual sex and dating is not for me….I need more than just sex!…I need the substance!!
This now leaves me with quite a dilemma on what to do, as I said my casual dating days are well and truly over and I am in the process of taking down my profile on PoF.
I have not had the opportunity to talk to M1 yet but when I do it will be a brief conversation along the lines of thanks for everything, it was fun!!
The conversation with M2 will be more difficult, for me he is the complete package, attractive, intelligent, witty, successful, articulate, not to mention a fucking ninja in bed!! It scares the living crap out of me as I really feel there is the potential for me to fall hard for him and that my dear readers is as frightening as fuck!!
I want to go home….No, I need to go home, for my soul, for my heart and for my peace of mind I need to be where my family, my children and my grandchildren are, so falling in love with an American is not in my plans.
As I said it is very likely I am not in his plans either as anything more than sex because that is the means in which he approached me…but regardless of that I need to have “the” conversation with him.
In my typical usual “no filter” open and honest style method of communication I will basically be telling M2 that I am no longer interested in a casual dating style relationship and if he wants to continue to date it would need to be exclusive on both of our parts…I realize that I am opening myself up to potential heartbreak because going home is not contingent on if I fall in love or not, going home is non negotiable regardless of anything that happens or does not happen between M2 and I.
Wish me luck…………………!!