The “something else” is no longer self esteem and is now “something else”

Sometimes I think I am a right Fubar!!!
1: out of working order; seriously, perhaps irreparably, damaged.

Actually I don’t just think it, I accept that is me and is just who I am. I feel like I have done a pretty decent job of overcoming all the adversity in my life and have used much of it to my advantage to make me the person I am today, but there are just sometimes I have to think…Geeze… I am so fucked up!!

There was a lot of confusion that I had to deal with when I first started having sex with M1, a lot of it I was able to verbalize not only to myself but also on my blog, but there was some stuff that I did not recognize for what it was at the time or I felt it went beyond the realm of being something that should be shared with anyone let alone on a public forum.

One of the things that I have not discussed too much, if at all about M1 is his agenda…He has been completely open and honest with me right from the start that for him it is “casual dating” and his definition of casual dating is pretty much the same as mine…
A date… generally culminating in sex with no commitment of a future date. No ties and no strings attached.

M1 is an extremely attentive and generous lover, he knows exactly what to do to please a woman sexually and have her coming back for more…Don’t get me wrong…..there is nothing wrong with that, in fact there is everything right with that and I am incredibly grateful that I chose M1 as my first.
The situation had the potential to be a mitigated fucking disaster but because of sheer luck and also the fact that I was a choosy bitch I ended up with the right sort of person to take a lead on my journey.

Because I am 50 I forget shit… so I can’t fricken remember If I told Y’all in a previous blog that M1 see’s our get together’s as “Once a week” thing on average.
I confess I was disappointed about it being once a week, I had discovered the wonders of sex and I wanted it more often than once a week.
Having said this every time M1 and I  had sex there was always  a feeling inside of me the following day that I was not able to define. Sometimes It would be there before I even got home.

I have been extremely open and honest in my blog but have not talked about the feeling I am left with the next day. This is mainly because I did not even know myself what it was, and seriously how the fuck am I supposed to write here what is going on in my crazy mixed up head when I have no fucking clue myself!!
One of my extremely intuitive friends often senses there is something going on with me and she asks how I am doing and I tell her the things that I think are going on in my head but again, even I was not sure what the fuck it was except that I am batshit crazy!!!

Honestly it is like being on a fucking roller-coaster of emotion and not being exactly sure when or if you should get off so you keep going round and round until you puke your guts up and then you don’t have the common sense to walk away…no, you just stand right up and get on the fucking roller-coaster again!

Anyway….it has take me a long time to finally work it out what was missing….what is this thing that is doing my head and causing me endless sleepless nights….It is substance…This is all just random fucking sex with NO substance and while the sex feels fucking amazing at the time it leaves a feeling of emptiness that I no longer want any part of……my days of casual dating are over…I have discovered it is just not for me…..I guess that vibrator is coming back out of my closet again after all!

For those of you very confused about how I came to this conclusion….I don’t blame you, confusion is a constant visitor in my head…My realizations came as a result of my date last night with M2 and he has a starring role in my next post!


7 thoughts on “The “something else” is no longer self esteem and is now “something else”

  1. Hmmmm, I have to say… I’m a little disappointed that you’re giving up on casual dating so quickly, after a few months? 😦

    May I ask you a question that you don’t have to answer, just ponder? Here goes…

    “How does one actually precisely KNOW what measures ‘quality’ when there hasn’t been enough quantity?” In other words, as an analogy to better understand this concept… The world population is about 7.5-billion as of today. Let’s say, when factoring in all the hyper-testosterone wars & violence that men like to employ on each other, about 40% – 45% of those people are male, factoring in sexual orientations it might be closer to 42% – 43% are healthy heterosexual males, give or take 2 percentage points. Yes, of course there are time and travel constraints, obviously. But still, do you realize what a large, LARGE number that is out there… in our Abundance Economy!? There are likely 500-700 minimum M1’s out there! And that would just be within a feasible travel distance for you and them! LOL 😛 I mean, even further refining those parameters with personal preferences, etc, you STILL will come up with a shocking number Jad! I promise you!

    But you will NOT locate them and they you… if you are not “out there” and available, open to new encounters. Make sense? ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your disappointment will be short lived. This is the early days of my journey and I was still struggling with “Old Victorian principles”
      My sexual journey of discovery continued and is in fact still ongoing, the casual sex is on hiatus for the time being only because of what I currently have with Mon Capitaine but even then I am open to new experiences with him which may or may not include the possibility of trying a threesome!!

      Liked by 1 person

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