If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas why the fuck did I bring home 8 extra pounds….Yes count them 8 fucking lbs!!!! Okay, I get that I drank copious amounts of alcohol and ate a ridiculous amount of food but really 8 pounds in 5 days who the fuck does that!!!
I had 3 goals for Vegas….firstly, do not marry a random stranger, secondly, no face tattoos and finally do not get arrested. I managed to achieve all of my goals although I did figure that it would be nice to get so shit faced drunk that I could get the courage to get a tattoo on my ankle but alas it did not happen and this body of mine is still tattoo free!
Vegas is an amazing city….it’s actually my happy place although during the brief period that I was in my hotel room puking in a garbage can I probably was not feeling too happy. In fact I was feeling downright miserable and wondering how the fuck I got myself in that situation….I guess approximately 12 mimosa’s during a bottomless buffet brunch which started at 8am followed by around 10 or so cosmopolitan cocktails will do that to you!!…I say or so because I lost fucking count at the mimosas. Seriously, who starts drinking at 8 am…I guess that would be me!!! Fortunately I had a good friend who got me safely back to my hotel room and tucked me up in bed so I could sleep off my drunken stupor.
It would seem that “PoF” automatically updated my location to Vegas during the time that I was there and it also seems there are a lot of men in Vegas looking for slightly quirky, fun loving, batshit crazy, women who just turned 5o because I was getting hit on constantly. Some of them are incredibly blunt, no introduction or anything just a message with their phone number and “let’s fuck”…..Um NO!!!
Some are a lot more subtle….” I am at Guiseppes, come on over” my response ” I don’t even know where Guiseppes is” and the response to this was ” have you heard of Uber”…..I mean seriously dude, what the fuck!!!. You hit on me, then you want me to pay for Uber to come to you!!! Now maybe if he had a body like one of the Chippendale’s I might have considered it but heck he was 54 and nothing special so pass on that offer thank you very much.
And then there was Tino, nice looking guy who hit on me on the Casino floor, honestly first time I have ever been hit on so overtly, I mean seriously I am nothing much to look at but I have had some men flirt covertly a little in the past, I guess however the lack of a wedding ring gives them some kind of authorization to be more overt because I actually got hit on quite a bit and by the end of the weekend ended up being given 3 different guys room numbers and told I could stop by anytime. Back to Tino, he offered me gum, even though Tino assured me the gum was not laced with anything I declined it anyway. I told him I did not like the spicy type of gum so he offered to go buy a kind of gum I liked….at least he didn’t ask me to make a Uber clear across the city, shit the dude wanted to buy me gum!! Despite my declining the gum and his offer to buy me a flavor I liked Tino gave me his cell phone number and his room number…I told him I was here with a friend and he said that’s okay my nephew can take care of my friend and he pointed to his nephew….FUCK!!! why do I have to have Tino, I want the nephew, whew ladies he was HOT!! and could have easily been a Chippendale!!! Sadly I did not think my married friend was going to go for it….actually I am pretty fucking sure my married friend was not going to go for it so I said goodbye to Tino and moved on.
So with multiple offers on PoF and several hits on the Casino floor did I get laid in Vegas?…..Well you see there are rules about Vegas, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…..unless it is fucking 8 lbs of weight!!!!! So……there you have it..that was Vegas!!