Roller coasters and Merry go rounds, they are all the fucking same!!

So time for me to tell you about number 6, what to name him, E just does not seem to be enough but lets just stick with that for now.
I first talked to E well over a month ago on PoF but apparently, according to him, I was a little mean to him when I told him I was not interested in a date with because he was a smoker and my words “kissing him would be like kissing an ashtray”
E reached out to me a month or so later when he quit smoking and he saw I put some new photos up on PoF, we talked for a while and then decided to meet for a game of pool. The chemistry and the attraction was fairly instant and our game of pool which by the way took almost 2 hours then turned into dinner which then turned into me going back to his house to meet his puppy…yeah I know I got sucked into the puppy story!!! hahahaha!

This all happened on a Sunday night, we then got together Monday, again on Tuesday and then again on Wednesday in which he stayed all night until he had to leave for work at 2 am and I had to get ready for an early flight to Canada.
Not really sure what to say about E, the sex was good, great actually, and we talked A LOT, about all kinds of things. He was a pretty good kisser too which seems to be something which is important to me…..funny really that I have gone from “open mouthed kissing” being a NO GO zone to kissing being important!! Anyway I digress, back to E, it felt kind of weird him staying overnight and then even weirder that while I was away in Canada we texted constantly and our texts were filled with how much we missed each other and how strange that was after only 4 days. We talked about a lot of other things via text, made lots of plans to go to movies, shoot pool and basically just hang out which is exactly what I was looking for. Honestly it all seemed too good to be true, it seemed I had finally found my one consistent person that I was looking for to hang out with, have fun and great sex as a bonus….The one problem was that we were both surprised at how strong the connection was and both of us voices our concerns about this and the “end date” of October 2017.
What I do know is that for the first time in months and months I was actually looking forward to a weekend, I was no longer dreading hours upon endless hours of being alone in my apartment all weekend and it was exciting making plans to visit some hole in the wall restaurants, shoot pool and catch a movie.
I flew back into town on Tuesday night and my original plan was to see E on Wednesday but we decided no matter how tired I was from a full day of travel to see him on Tuesday, I was pleasantly surprised when he met me at the airport and he helped me get my luggage to the car. During one of our text exchanges E promised me door way sex….I saw in a movie once a couple that were so sexually excited they started kissing and stripping in the door way in an effort to get to the bedroom and I wanted that kind of passion…..I certainly got it and was not disappointed. E and I also spent sometime between bouts of kissing and sex talking about what was going on. I guess one of the things that I said to him must have hit a nerve….I told him it would be harder on him because at the end of of the 12 months I have my family to go home to, I will be starting a new life home in Australia with my family, my children and my grandchildren but for him nothing changes except that I am gone!!!
E stayed overnight and left for work again around 2 am, I spent most of the next day unpacking and catching up on sleep, originally we had planned to spend Wednesday afternoon together but E told me last minute he was having dinner with his Mom, things felt weird and I knew something was going on. The next morning I woke up to a “dear John” text message……Below is our exchange.

E – Jad, I’ve put lots of thought into this. My feelings for you are consuming me. I have to put a stop to this. You are right, this is not the way to do this. I must. I laid in bed this morning with you and didn’t want it to end. Oct 2017 scares me. I am beyond belief for my feelings for you. I must quit now. Last night scared the crap out of me and today has been torture. I don’t know what your reaction will be. I hope we can remain friends. I cherish your friendship, that will be hard. You are incredible.

Me – I understand E, I realize that what I am looking for is the impossible. I am okay with remaining friends. Maybe we can shoot some pool sometime.

E – Of course. That is the hardest text I have ever sent. I should have called. That is not the way I wanted it. I have these incredible feelings for you. Family is important to both of us. I can’t and won’t win when it comes to family. I would never do that anyways. I know the joy you will have being with them.

Me – I am okay with the text, I kind of knew something was wrong yesterday I just hoped that whatever it was that you were honest with me so I do appreciate your honesty.  I asked you a few days back if you regretted meeting me, not sure if your answer has changed and I don’t suppose it matters really but I just wanted to say that while at this moment I feel incredibly sad, I don’t regret meeting you.

E- I will never regret meeting you. You brought a bit of sunshine to my day. Yesterday all I could think about was our relationship and was it a healthy relationship for me. When I left you yesterday morning I was overwhelmed by my feelings for you. I knew that my roller coaster ride was bottoming out. I had to walk away. You are a precious person to me. So much fun to be around. Jad continue to grow. You deserve so much happiness. Your kids are the first step but you need to live too. I love you. E

So……just like that my excitement at finally having something to fill my long lonely weekends…. ends…..I was not in Love with E, sure there were some feelings there, I mean its impossible to spend so much time with someone and not feel something. I am incredibly sad that it all ended so abruptly and while initially I felt I did not regret anything this has changed and for the first time since starting this journey I do regret meeting E and I find myself questioning a whole lot of things including my decision to stay in the US, the current journey I am on and also back to the old self esteem stuff.
E wants to remain friends but I do not think it is a good idea and I have decided it would be easier all round if I block him from my phone and from PoF……so, not really sure where I go from here. I guess time will tell.

2 thoughts on “Roller coasters and Merry go rounds, they are all the fucking same!!

  1. Don’t ever ignore your feelings, or reject them! They enrich our experiences! It’s sad that E was unable to appreciate the gift of continuing a friendship with intimate connotations, and stay on the ride till the end! THAT would be an amazing memory to have…:)

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s