I know that I am behind in writing my blog but I have had some recent experiences and I have really struggled on if I want to write about them or not.
Finally I decided that I will be true to my word and keep this blog as an honest and factual account of my adventures.
Writing about them somehow makes it real but FUCK!! it’s real enough and maybe writing about it will be cathartic for me.
If you have read the about me section and understand who I am and where I have been then you will know that I have had a history with pedophiles. My blog does not go into details of my past but suffice to say I have only provided a glimpse of my history and my experiences are far more than just the involvement with one pedophile. I had extensive counselling in my earlier years and one of the things that we often discussed was my feelings that as a child I seemed to be a magnet for pedophiles and I felt like it took a long time to get over my feelings that it must have been something I was doing wrong….what I recently discovered was that I was not over those feelings, they were just deeply buried somewhere in my subconscious.
Let me introduce you to SPP, the first time we had sex it was perfectly normal apart from the fact that he liked to talk all the way through it. A little strange but one of the things about this journey that I am on is that I am discovering each and every experience is different and unique, some more interesting that others but all of them have been fun experiences so the talking was just another element and dimension to the sexual experience.
It was almost a week later when we had the opportunity to get together for the second time however this second time was after my little shaving accident….it is funny how lots of men I have talked to or had experiences with have expressed that they prefer their woman to be shaved. For me personally this concept has an element of “yuck” factor because it is reminiscent of what a small child looks like and I don’t understand why a man would want a female to look that way.
It would seem that my clean shaven vajayjay had that exact effect on SPP and all of a sudden his talking during our sex got really weird, he started saying things like “so young that hair not growing yet” and “breasts just starting to grow”
He also started to say things about what the boyfriend was going to do to the 10 year old girl….well if that was not the biggest turn off I have not fucking clue what else would be!!! So here I am with this man in my apartment, he is having sex not with me but in his mind with a 10 year old girl and tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do. My first instinct was to kick that fucking dirty pedophile out of my bed but common sense took over. I realized that I had no clue how he would react and that I would just have to suck it up until he was finished with his disgusting fantasy.
The following morning I sent SPP (scummy perverted pedophile) a polite text message telling him that his fantasies were very different to mine and in fact his fantasies were a trigger for my sexual abuse as a child and that I did not want to see him anymore…..The scary thing is, this man has two daughters, 7 and 10 which he picks up from their Mom every Saturday and takes them out for the day.
From this experience and another I have yet to discuss I realize that 40 years later I am still a fucking magnet for pedophiles and I wonder that the fuck is wrong with me and why does this keep happening, even now as an adult 😦