I know that I have been terribly negligent with my blog and for that I apologize….the problem is before I can be totally honest on my blog I first need to be totally honest to myself and that can sometimes take a little time.
This journey that I am on has been one of the most exciting, exhilarating, horrifying, scary roller coasters in the history of mankind….quite honestly if someone could bottle the fucking emotions I have been through in the last few months they would be millionaires…who would need theme parks just open a bottle of “Jad’s Journey”, better than any theme park ride….no alcohol needed…even better than tripping on the best weed!!….Not that I would know, I only tried weed once and ended up pissing and puking all over my bathroom floor…..I am not kidding, I was so sick I almost drank out of the toilet!! But anyway, I digress, that’s another story!!
This roller coaster ride of emotions is a journey that given the choice I would still go on but maybe, probably, I hope, I would have made some wiser choices, but hey, this is me Jad!!…Carpe Momentum!! I cannot live my life with regrets and cannot look at the past….all I can do is live for the moment and learn from my mistakes, but I don’t live in a fucking fantasy world, this is real life and sometimes real life forces you to look back!!!
So what exactly is going on in the mind of this fun loving, slightly quirky, batshit crazy woman who has been 50 now for almost 4 months??? Sadly the one thing that I wanted to keep in tact throughout this journey has taken a beating…yes, my self esteem!!
Such a fragile thing self esteem, so many things can affect it, externally and internally….It is like carrying an egg around in your pocket and trying not to let it crack!!…..Some peoples egg is hard boiled and harder to crack, I think most people just carry around a regular egg….Mine I think had the guts sucked out and is just a fragile shell!!!
I wonder if the song of “Humpety Dumpety” is all about self esteem…it could be!!
I am Humpety Dumpety, and I have fallen off the wall, actually I think I took a fucking flying leap of the wall and landed flat on my arse!! But alas, there are no kings horses or kings men….So I need to put myself back together again….and again….and again!!!
I can just hear you all thinking what the fuck is she raving on about, be patient with me can’t you? Heck this is my story and I will tell it in my own time!!! Let’s take a breath, better yet why don’t you go get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine while you learn a little patience!!..Go on, I will wait…….You ready?
Okay here goes, not sure if any of you are keeping count of how many men I have slept with…cripes I fucking hope not!! Bad enough I keep my own list without you lot keeping one too, anyway, I have not included all of them in my blog, at one point they kind of ran into one another…..No! Fuck, I don’t mean my dates actually physically ran into each other…it wasn’t like one was walking out my fucking apartment door as the other was walking in for Christ sake!! I mean to say, fuck!! what is it that I mean to say…Shit!! I guess for a moment it became a bit of a blur!!!
Now don’t get me wrong, I have no shame in the number of men I have slept with in the past 4 months. I do not hold onto old Victorian principles! In those days I would be branded a slut….fuck I guess some people today with old fashioned puritan principals may even brand me a slut, but honestly I do not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks….No, the problem I have been having in regards to my self esteem is related to reason that I have slept with so many different men…and simply put it is because most of them, through no choice of my own, have ended up being one night stands!! What the fuck is up with that??…Why have I become a one time party girl???
Seriously, how hard would you think it would be to find one or two local men who want to (on a regular basis) go out to dinner, shoot pool, go bowling, the movies…. what the fuck ever!!. Just have a good time and at the end of the date, fuck for a couple of hours….On what planet would you not think this would be an ideal situation for a man, no nagging wife or girlfriend, no extra bills or outlay of expense, no birthdays or anniversaries to remember, fuck I even pay for my own dinner so no money to spend!!……….Then why am I having such a hard time finding that?? What is it with these men that just fuck one time and then that’s it???……………………To be continued!!