This blog’s main focus has always been about my experience with sensuality and sex at the age of 50 with a hint here and there of the “something else” but for now I want to focus on the something else….mainly because, hell I like to talk about myself but also because I do hope that my message can help at lease one person….god that sounds so vain doesn’t it but it really is true!!
I have this photo of me at my 40th birthday party, I came across it a short time before my 50th birthday and when I saw it my instant reaction was “what the fuck!!”
Seriously, I looked like I had NO friends, NO family, NO mirror…..who the fuck in their right mind goes to their 40th birthday party dressed like they were going to the office….not just ANY 40th birthday party mind you… but a “return trip to Australia 40th party”
Honestly I wish I could should you the photo but as this blog in anonymous you will need to just imagine it….not that hard to do really, just imagine a person who weighs 50 lbs more than she should, is wearing ugly grey business slacks which are way too LONG for her short arse body and an equally ugly teal vest and jacket that even her grandmothers mother should not wear. I mean serious it was completely FUGLY…..wait, I can show you the photo, screw imagination!! I will cut my head off and show you this FUGLY attire that I wore to my 40th birthday….there ya go, I set it as my featured image.
Now I know I said screw imagination but now you have to employ it, my face in this picture is the face of someone who does not look like they are just about to have a fun party with all their friends and family who they miss terribly…not it looks like the face of someone heading to their doom.
So where am I going with all this… let me tell ya, since turning 50 my life has changed dramatically, I mean an incredibly significant change, not just the sex, so much more. Since this change I have become somewhat of a selfie addict, I mean really I am rather obsessed with selfies, for the first time in my life I look at myself in a photo and I think wow, is that me…..I no longer look at a photo and go UGH is that me. Sure sometimes I have to take a few shots to get the right angle but the end result is I like myself when I look in the mirror. So with my new selfie addiction I was scrolling through some photos a short time back and I was struck by the look on my face in a particular photo, I honestly had to look 3 or 4 times because in that photo I look beautiful and not just beautiful on the outside, it was like I could see such peace and joy and beauty emanating from me and I was rather blown away by it all.
I had suffered from terribly low self confidence almost all of my life, finally I am at a point where my self esteem is where it should be and I feel great about myself, my choices, my life and my body…..Sure I want to lose another 10 or so pounds but shit, I am 50 and I do not expect to have a body of a 30 year old and if I never end up losing those extra 10 lbs it will be okay because I am happy with my self image.
When I compare the photo from my 40th birthday and the photo from a month or so back I am struck by the incredible difference and honestly it seems that what it mostly comes down to is “self esteem” Really!!
I honestly wish that more time, effort and care is spent in teaching both in schools and in homes how to develop our children to grow up with a good strong sense of self. I do not think we take it seriously enough as to just how damaging a low self esteem can be to an individual and also a family.
I was curious if others could see what I saw in those photos so I asked a couple of people, I sent both photos to someone I was talking to from PoF but had not yet met and asked him, besides the physical what do you see in these photos…..his response “I can see a lot of differences in the two. A lot of it is attitude and confidence. The first one you were not happy as a person. The second one there is life in your face and you are happy with who you are and where you’re at.
How incredibly profound that someone who had never met me could see that.
I decided that I wanted to send both photos to someone who did know me and see what they thought so I sent it to Mprime…his responses were equally profound but what struck me the most was his comment ” You look frumpy in the first picture, like your trying NOT to look pretty or sexy. I never really thought about it before but yeah, that is exactly right!!
Absofuckingly amazing what having self esteem can do for a person!!
So how does this help anyone who may have low self esteem? Honestly I wish I had a magic wand I could wave or a fool proof formula to follow but I don’t. What I can say is I think the understanding first that self esteem (or lack of) can have a dramatic effect in your life, recognizing that it might be the first step towards working on self esteem issues. Also how you think and feel about your looks are important, there are somethings that we are born with that we cannot change but there are things that we can. Weight, hair, clothes, teeth etc….all things we can work with. For all of my life I absolutely hated my hair, now I love it, it is the same hair, I just finally found a style that I can manage myself which suits my face. Amazing that usually the first comment I get on PoF and Zoosk is how sexy and beautiful my hair is…..I feature I hated most of my life.
I also could hardly be bothered with makeup, now I feel naked if I leave the house without it, I do not wear heavy makeup, a little bit of color to eyes and lips and the results can be amazing. My daughter used to tell me that when I did my make up I looked like a clown. I still do not think I am that great at putting on make up and I have a lot to learn but the small amount I wear now just seems to enhance my natural features.
Finally I think the last passage to a healthy self esteem is acceptance, I accept who I am as a person, my strengths, my challenges, my quirks….everyone has the ability to change and there have things that I have recognized that I did not like about myself so I went about changing them.
Interestingly enough one of those was related to my work, without going into too much detail I found there were times that I stressed about stuff that was not important in the big scheme of things so I started to evaluate a situation and think, what is the worst that can happen, who will this affect negatively and will the positive outweigh the negative. The results of this change of attitude for me was not dramatic, it was a slow progression but I honestly believe it has made me a better manager….It also made me feel good when one of my staff members actually commented on it the other day….
So…..readers, friends and family….I don’t have a magic wand and I don’t have incredible wisdom in regards to self esteem issues but what I do have is a story which I have told and I am telling and I hope that when y’all are following along with my journey you can take some the crap that spills out of my mouth and incorporate it into your own life whether it be to aide in your own self esteem or to give you wisdom to recognize self esteem issues in others and give them little boosts and positive reinforcements