After spending an entire night tossing and turning and going through my thoughts I think I am ready to talk about it….
Over the last year or so I have often questioned my choices particularly my choice to divorce Terry and his subsequent return to Illinois and his death 2 weeks later. We spend our lives making decisions, hopefully if you are good at it then your life is enriched or improved but if you have shit decision making skills your life can be a fucking catastrophe!!
In my career I am extremely confident of my decision make skills and believe it is one of the reasons I have progressed so far, but in life I suck arse!!!
I really truly do, for some reason that I simply cannot fathom I stopped listening to myself…I think it might be part of this inner bitch struggle that I sometimes have…when I think my inner bitch is trying to shit stir it actually ends up being that little voice of reason!! I mean really when you have multiple voices in your head how are you supposed to work out which one is which??? NO!! I am not schizo and don’t y’all try to tell me you don’t all talk to yourselves in your head….I know that I am batshit crazy but don’t we all have a little batshit crazy in us!!
But anyway let’s take rude “R” for example, I knew right from the beginning that something was up..my little spidey sense was on high alert and I was absolutely sure he was in a committed relationship but I somehow managed to ignore my radar and convince myself he was not….this was despite evidence supporting otherwise….If someone has the potential to lie and consistently cheat on his partner of 18 years then he has the potential to be an absolute fucking arsehole and someone I should have stayed away from….but did I listen…fuck no!!
So how does this all relate to Sir….Well my spidey sense told me it was not going to end well…We were text buddies for a long time, we talked about MANY different things and I enjoyed our text conversations and could always rely on receiving his text messages on a very regular basis…He was a constant in my life and I have too few of them so his regular texts were something I treasured…..A couple of weeks ago we had this conversation….before we were Butterfly and Sir!
Jad – We have texted a lot and you have read my blog but we have not met…sometimes I think you are perhaps shy. Other times I think maybe because you read my blog you might not want to meet.
“J” – I think for me, I don’t know if I could do a relationship on the terms you are looking for. So I hold back a little because you’re very easy to like.
Jad – I was hoping for primarily friendship from you. I don’t think what I am looking for even exists.
“J” – That I can do.
That my friends was my BIG clue that taking it ANY further with “J” had the potential to be a poor decision. My situation is pretty unique, a journey of sexual exploration along with an end date to any relationship…hard pill to swallow for anyone really, even more so for an empath..
Despite the concerns that “J” had we did meet and we did move forward into a relationship and became Butterfly and Sir…But again I ignored the warning signs…There were some big indicators…..We had several conversations that made me realize that this was not going to end well for one or both of us….During one of our many enjoyable conversations Sir had shared with me a part of himself that related how he copes when a relationship breaks down and also how he can fall hard for someone….Sir is sensitive and empathic of nature and it is easy to see how a breakdown of a relationship can be a crushing event for him…..We also had a phone conversation last weekend and I told him that I felt like our phone conversations were left “unfinished” I did not voice to him immediately how so and told him I needed to think on it more… but truly it felt like we needed to end with some sort of term of endearment….Not sure exactly if “I love you” was the right ending, it was too early for that, but something was missing and it was very clear that our relationship was moving into a direction that neither of us were prepared for…
After spending a magical and wonderful afternoon/evening with Sir on Tuesday I began to sense a difference on Wednesday and then again on Thursday when I finally decided to ask Sir about it….
Butterfly – When I was in NOLA you and I talked about the possibility of you staying over Friday or Saturday night but then Tuesday you said you were going out of town and had it planned for a while….don’t get me wrong, I do not have any issues with that at all. I am excited that you have fun plans. I am just confused about why it did not come up when we talked about sharing the night…along with that I also get a sense from you that can only be described as you pulling back…again if that is what you want or need to do I understand…I guess I just want to know what the situation is so I can go from there.
Sir – Sir is trying to wrap his arms around your situation. This is new to me. It’s one thing to know about it. It’s another thing to be effected by it.
Butterfly – what does Sir want to do?
Sir – I don’t know yet
Butterfly – Is it the fact that I am going home that troubles you or the fact that I will be sexually active with someone in Kentucky?
Sir – Both
Butterfly – Okay, I will leave you alone to work through what you need to and let you take the lead. At the end of the day I hope we can retain a friendship………
This exchange was crushing for me, honestly I never expected to hear from Sir again.. I ended up leaving work in tears…..I came home and wrote my last blog post which I found both depressing and cathartic all at the same time..How did I get it so wrong? All the signs were there, that this relationship was moving beyond what could be defined as “temporary” and all the signs were there that one or both of us was going to get hurt but I ignored those signs and at what cost??!
I did end up hearing from Sir again…in fact we had a very long phone conversation and the short version of that phone conversation was basically about “self preservation” All the indicators that were there right from the beginning were coming into play and the end result being that we needed to stop the relationship before we got any deeper into it and before the “hurt” was too much to bear…….
Many people have asked me about what would I do if I fell in love with someone in America and I have always related to an analogy with regards to me and Louise…..I love her dearly….It is going to break my heart when I go back to Australia and I am going to miss the fuck out of her.Though we will be friends forever more it won’t be the same and I know I will grieve the loss of what we have….But knowing I am going to have to go through pain and grief does, this deter me from wanting a friendship with her…Fuck NO!!! I am going to enjoy every fucking minute, relish every adventure and treasure the time we have together….I consider the cost worth it!!……….So……If I fall in love with an American and we reach our end date the cost for the pain would be the same right??? Won’t the love, laughter, intimacy and sharing for the time we have together be worth that pain at the end….you would think so right????…..Wrong!!!
I can try convince myself of that bullshit all I like but comparing a friendship, regardless of how meaningful and strong it is to someone you become emotionally attached to in an intimate way is very different….When there is the potential for souls to touch and when you share parts of your innermost self that you can only share with someone who touches your soul….the loss is going to be devastating no matter how you look at it…..As for Sir and I……Our souls touched “oh so briefly” and the pain that I feel now for that loss after such a brief union is great…so yeah….Even though I would be willing to give up my journey of sexual exploration to be in a completely monogamous relationship with Sir……Ending it now makes sense….I have shed many tears since our exchange yesterday afternoon and I am sure I will shed many more but I am certain this is nothing in comparison the the pain that we would both feel when we reach the end date if we continue on this journey together…..I gave to Sir a gift….I gave him my “trust” so implicitly and so completely….for a brief time I belonged to him…I was his Butterfly and he was my Sir….I don’t regret the gift I gave…Sir was deserving and worthy of that gift……I cannot regret the time we spent together, despite the briefness it was intense, magical and somewhat ethereal….What I do regret is the cost to my soul…this is the 2nd piece of my soul that has been broken off and I wonder how many pieces I have left….
I am not sure what happens now……Before Butterfly and Sir….. “J” was one of the few constants in my life…. I hope that Butterfly and Sir can move past the hurt, the pain and deep sense of loss and become “Jad and “J” once again so I can at least keep the constant of our “friendship”…..only time will tell!!