Seriously….I am back on this fucking roller coaster ride of emotions and I have no clue how the fuck it happened or even when it happened!!
Honestly!!! this has been the month from hell and it is not even over yet!
I feel like I am at a point where I have to question if I have some kind of self fulfilling prophecy bullshit going on that brings adversity into my life….So much fucking shit and I don’t know where to start.
I guess it probably has not helped that I have been fighting a really bad case of Bronchitis, recovering from surgery and losing my hair!! Seriously!! I am losing my fucking hair by the handfuls!! But besides the physical I think the biggest thing for me is the emotional aspect.
It has been a year since my divorce from Terry and Valentines day would have been our 12th wedding anniversary. While the last few years of our marriage were tough I still miss that he was a constant in my life and I do not think I am ever going to have that again.
I say very brave words when I talk about what I want for the future and I will openly tell people that I never want to be in a long term relationship ever again!! I use the metaphor that I believe relationships have a “best before” or “use by” date and while the loaf of bread is lovely and fresh and new it is delicious and tasty and wonderful but then once it goes stale it is not so good and it is time to get rid of that loaf of bread and get a new one. I say all this like I really believe it and I really mean it and I think I do because I cannot ever see myself wanting to be financially involved with anyone again I often wonder what I am setting myself up for in the future…..I seriously am having an impossible time here in America in finding a “temporary relationship” that fulfills all the needs as it relates to friendship, companionship and intimacy…Why the fuck do I think it is going to be ANY different when I get home to Australia…. If I am going to continue down the same path of not ever wanting to be in a committed relationship again then I think I am going to keep repeating the same fucking shit over and over…..Couple this with the fact that I am absofuckinglutely convinced that I am totally and complete shit at “reading” people, I think I am destined to end up a bitter lonely old bag!!
So what has prompted today’s rant?? Well y’all read my last blog about RUDE “R”…I thought that it did not affect me that much but it really left me feeling rather vulnerable and I guess disposable which does not make any fucking sense at all since it was me that broke it off with him….The next day I had contact with a friend that I had not heard from in a couple of weeks, turns out he was feeling really depressed so I offered him friendship. I suggested that we should do lunch and he asked me to clarify “do” ….I said you know lunch, lets eat it!! His response was that he was hoping I was hinting at sex because he could really use some rebound sex…..OMG what the fuck!!! I offered the dude friendship and he is suggesting sex…I don’t know if it is something I exude or what the fuck it is but I really am starting to question if I do myself any favors being as transparent and open as I am because I am starting feel like I am handing people a weapon in which to hurt me with.
Finally…I am not ready to go into detail of the next situation that occurred, to be honest I am still trying to work all the shit out in my head….What I do know and what I can tell you is that for the first time ever in my life I gave someone a gift, something that by choice I had never given to a man before EVER….I gave him implicit and total trust….it does not sound like much…..I mean really you might be reading this and thinking what the fuck, how pathetic…and it is okay if you are….but if you have been reading my blog and if you understand me you would know that I truly trust very few people in my life and not one of them is a person that I have had an intimate relationship with….so for me to give trust so willingly and so freely to a man that I am having an intimate relationship with is a gift!! plain and simple!!…..And now my readers and friends, I have to seriously question my choices……. I am not sure how I keep continuing to make such wrong choices…Read my blog, it seriously is one after an other after another!!…I feel like I can no longer trust my judgement….I willingly gave my trust as a gift but it turned out the cost was WAY to high because now I am left with no longer having trust in the most important thing…..Me!