Seriously does this shit ever happen to anyone else or does it only happen to me….and when I say shit I mean literally!!
Here I am in Kentucky and as usual, when I am anywhere except my own home, my anal sphincter closes up tighter than a gnats arse and it can take me sometimes up to 2 weeks before my body finally rebels …..I then usually end up in the bowels of hell which is exactly what happened this morning.
I was fortunate…or unfortunate depending on how you want to look at it…in that it only took my body 4 days before exacting revenge on my sphincter…however it did so in the most foulest of ways…..literally!!!
After spending a reasonable amount of time on the porcelain throne, dunny, loo, bog…whatever the fuck you want to call it….I reached across for the loo roll to find there were only a few sheets left…..Ut oh!! a quick scan of the bathroom did not reveal any secret stash anywhere however there was a cupboard under the sink which I was certain would contain a new supply of bog roll.
My dilemma, how to get from the toilet to the cupboard…I used the 3 squares to do a quick once over wipe but clearly more clean up was required. I felt safe that there were no offending jobbies left hanging so I quickly stepped across to the cupboard for a new roll…..What the fuck!! The cupboard was completely fucking empty except for a new box of tissues…fucking tissues!! Oh well, that would have to do. I grabbed the box of tissues and for good measure I also grabbed my baby wipes off the counter that I use to remove make up and then began the job of clean up….While performing the task at hand something caught my attention in the corner of my eye…..OH…MY…..FUCKING….GOD!!! There was POOP on the fucking floor……I mean seriously…..there was a small dob of poop on the bathroom floor, where the fuck that slipped out of I don’t know…..Well that’s not entirely true I do know…It came out of my rebellious arsehole but seriously, I thought there was no risk of anything dropping from that zone…..So now here I am using half a box of tissues and half a packet of my precious baby wipes to not only wipe my arse but also clean up the fucking bathroom floor.
Once I had finished and I was ABSOLUTELY certain the job was done correctly I called the front desk for some toilet paper because I knew that my rebellious arse was not finished and there was at least another one or two more visits before it would be done…..Ya know what the front desk said….You will have to come down to the front desk and get some….fuckity fuck fuck!!! I was still in my jammies, my body was torturing me for my arseholes rebellion, there was no way I was leaving the safety of my room…Oh well I will just have to continue to use tissues and see if I care if it blocks up their plumbing!!!
I mean seriously, do Y’all not have shit like this happen to you or are Y’all just to polite to talk about it….I must say I have done a lot of things in my life but this if the first time I have shat on the bathroom floor…..even if it was just a dob!!!
I think my cleaner got the message today, I got back to my hotel room after work and was greeted to a new toilet roll, plus there was an extra one sitting on the bathroom counter AND another extra one in the bathroom cupboard………I don’t know about fucking in Kentucky but I sure know I have been shitting in Kentucky!!…….I know, I know…I am so crass!!! but that’s why y’all love me!!