Fucked up five ways….it is often how I feel…It is like five steps forwards and 2 steps backwards…sometimes I don’t even bother to step backwards…. I fucken slide on down on my arse!!
Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of the progress I have made, physically, emotionally and spiritually….but despite this I still feel like I am, and always will be FUBAR!!
OMG this blog totally HAS to be the HARDEST I have ever written, seriously!! I have started this fucking post 8 times already, typed so many fucken words and deleted them I could have written fucking war and peace by now…..The problem is when I read what I have written I just sound like a whiny little bitch!!….so I D E L E T E!!! and start again!!
Alright let me try again and just get to the point without all the bullshit in between.
Most of you know the crap in my past, yeah yeah blah blah suck it up and don’t be a baby… I hear you…And mostly I do not think I am a baby about it. If fact I think I have done a fucking amazing job of dealing with the emotional scars of my past and no longer allowing the experiences to affect or shape my present or my future….So why this whiny blog then???
Well here is the thing…Seriously!!! While I have dealt with a lot of the bullshit of my past and many of my scars have healed there are somethings that I do not think I will ever heal from….the scars just run too deep and the emotional trauma too great…..Things I have never spoken or written about and if I am being honest I never will….Writing about it, speaking about it will make it real and my coping mechanism is to disassociate myself from the experience, and it works for me….most of the time!!!
Then sometimes, something will happen that will put me right back in that cold dark place and I react… impulsively, immaturely and without thinking. Almost every time it has been an emotional feeling rather than an actual event that has been the trigger and again almost every time my reaction is with the emotional maturity of a 10 year old which is pretty fucked up really!!
So on Thursday evening after a text exchange with Sir I went to bed feeling vulnerable and insecure…something which I had not experienced for some time…especially not to that degree, and if I am being honest, whilst there was some basis from our text exchange for me feeling that way the actual depth of those feelings was probably a little over the top….okay a LOT over the top…..After a pretty rough night in my typical fucked up fashion I sent Sir an email…..honestly who the fuck does that…who gets up after a night of very little sleep and thinks its a good idea to send an email….I guess that would be me!!! I mean seriously, I think there is even a sentence in the email that says something about feeling sick to my stomach before even hitting the send button….No DER….Hello!!! perhaps if you feel that way you should NOT hit send!!
Basically the crux of it was I emailed Sir and in my brain the email was saying I needed a few days to think about what we are doing and if it is the right thing for us but in reality it probably reads like a dear John email and then I act all fucking surprised when Sir doesn’t respond to my email despite the fact that I said I need a couple of days break….. Sir and I did not speak or text at all on Friday and I just felt an overwhelming sense of loss. I went to bed Friday night once again feeling vulnerable and insecure…….On Saturday morning I noticed that Sir had removed me as his friend which totally and completely gutted me…..I mean it really gutted me, the sense of loss was actually emotionally overwhelming and I was not really sure what to do with it!!
So should this blog have been titled “Fucked up five ways” or “Sabotager strikes again” because as Louise so eloquently pointed out one time I am a “serial sabotager”
Ultimately Sir and I texted and talked on the phone on Saturday and we resolve the situation and are back to being Butterfly and Sir……I know…I know, y’all are wondering just what the fuck that means and I remember that I owe y’all a blog on Butterfly and Sir but seriously….I am still trying to get own head around it. This relationship involves emotions and feelings of an intensity and spectrum that I have never experienced before and I need to digest and understand it myself before I can write about it…..One day, hopefully soon I will have a grasp on it…..then maybe I won’t fuck up and act like a 10 year old sending obnoxious emails!!!