Home sweet fucking home!!

Finally!! After 5 weeks away and then a torturous 9 hours….count them 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 – long fucking hours of travelling I finally made it home to my cabin in the woods!!!

Seriously (9) hours, I am not kidding!! I could have rowed a fucking boat via the canals and rivers from Louisville Kentucky to my little cabin in the woods in Texas and probably gotten here quicker!!

After it taking 12 hours to get home from Kentucky on my first trip in January in which I almost risked my freedom due to the fact that I wanted to commit bloody murder on someone in my companies travel department I have ensured ALL future trips have been direct flights….none of this flying 3 hours East to then wait 2 hours in another airport only to get on that plane and fly back 5 hours fucking West!!

So my direct flight home was supposed to take a couple of hours, plane was due to leave Kentucky at 8 am, so with the time difference and then driving from airport I should have been happily in my cabin by 11 am so why the fuck did I not get home until 3 pm!!!

I woke up at 5:30 am to my alarm and there was a text message from United airlines saying the plane was delayed (two hours and twenty minutes) due to operations…..Operations?? WTF?? what does that even mean??
Alas my stupid OCD brain would not let me do what normal people do and roll over and go to sleep for a couple of hours….NO, I have to get up and still get to the fucking airport like my plane was going to take off at 8 am even though the SMART and sensible side of my brain is telling me that the plane is not leaving until 10:30 am….but see my boarding pass online still said boarding time was 7:40 so what the fuck now I am going to sit at the airport for 4 hours!! Like I have hours of my life to spare!!

I have no scales to weigh my suitcase and despite the fact that I shipped 2 boxes of shoes home I feel like my suitcases are probably going to be overweight and United airlines charge a RUDE $100 even if you are just one pound over. When I go to check in my luggage sure enough both of my cases are over weight, one of them by 1 lb the other by 1.5 lbs and no they are not going to just let them through, fuck they even provide you a bench for repacking your cases which I however failed to see until I had finished using the floor to repack. I removed several items from each case selecting things which I thought would reduce the bags by a pound or two and I put them in my already heavy backpack…I also remove my comfy airport walking shoes and pack them and put on my heavy, heeled fuck me boots which totally do not go with what I am wearing to save some weight…..honestly, this seems to be a fucking fruitless exercise considering all of this weight ends up on the same friggen plane, I mean seriously dudes, work it out!!!
So after I repacking on the airport floor I take my cases back up and fuck me dead if now both cases were not about 5 lbs under weight……Clearly I have no fucking clue how much  weight one pound is despite the fact I have lived in the US for 12 years but I also now have an extra 12 pounds on my fucking back to lug around the airport……..Then, just when I think things cannot get any worse I am proven wrong.
I am lucky enough to have TSA precheck so I don’t need to remove my laptops from my bags or take my shoes off, everything goes onto the belt and I walk through the body scanner to be told I have to remove my boots, yes, my long heavy fuck me boots which took me ages to try and put on over pants I now have to sit on the fucking airport floor to get them off!!  Finally through to the other side and start collecting my shit when I see one of the TSA guards take my backpack of the belt, Oh fuck here were go!! Walking through the airport in my socks, I am taken to an area where my bag is going to be inspected. I cannot think of what could possibly have triggered their alarm until the TSA officer brings out a cosmetic bag…Not just any cosmetic bag…BoBs bag….OMFG what was I thinking??? In my haste to repack my suitcases (not sure why I was in a hurry I had 4 fucking hours to wait for my plane) but anyway in my haste one of the items I removed and shoved in my backpack was BoBs bag….Not just BoBs home either….. Bob has some roomies and a couple of his cousins live in there along with a new Kentucky purchase of some Kegel balls that I thought I would try out…which by the way were a complete failure, it seems at age 50 my pelvic floor muscles are totally rooted and no amount of hold pee or Kegel balls are going to assist me in that domain, thank the flying spaghetti monster for bladder mesh surgery!!!

Anyway I digress, I now had to stand there while the TSA officer inspected the contents of my little bag of joy, touching and moving things around as he did and now I have to deeply sanitize the contents or burn them….yep that’s it, I am going to have to burn Bob!! My one saving grace was that he was very nonchalant and rather discreet about it and the only person who knew he was playing around in my vibrator bag was him!!

Finally I got to my gate and sat on the floor so I could plug my dying phone into power supply and got ready for a long wait. At 10:15 am two hours and 10 minutes after our plane should have taken off it was announced on the PA system that they were trying to locate our cabin crew so that we could board….Seriously, we are already over 2 hours late how much more fucking time does the cabin crew need to get to the plane on time???
Cabin crew located and boarded 3 hours after our original take off time, all ready to get this bucket out of here and get on home when another announcement, this time there was a maintenance issue on the plane which had to be resolved before we could take off…..For real!!!..do you ever just have one of those days?????

I finally made it home around 3 pm, there is a 5 week layer of dust everywhere and someone forgot to flush the fucking toilet before they left but otherwise my cabin has never looked so inviting!!!

Let me end on a positive note….I have had no access to scales in the 5 weeks I have been gone. My goal was to just maintain, I had no illusions that I could continue to lose weight when eating out every day as well as eating out on the company dollar so while I thought it would be challenging I figured maintaining would be a realistic goal…..Somehow, I have no fucking clue how, I managed to lose 2 lbs 🙂

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