Right now, at this point in time, I am a shitty person!! Really!! I am!
Actually that is not totally true, I want to say I am a shitty person, my inner bitch tells me I am a shitty person but if it stop being so self critical and rationalize this appropriately I am a good person who is having a bit of tough time at the moment and the end result is that I have made some shitty decisions which make me feel like a shitty person!!…..OMG Louise are you so proud of me???. I am being much nicer to your friend 🙂
I think the difference between a person who is just shitty all the time and someone who has occasional bouts of being shitty is related to how they think and feel about their actions…Someone who does not give a crap and just goes through life constantly being shitty to others is a shitty person, they will always be a shitty person, and not someone I would want to associate with…..But in life things can happen, there are circumstances and events that make a generally good person act in shitty ways….Don’t get me wrong, I am not making excuses for my shitty behavior…..In fact I accept full and total responsibility for my shitty actions.
Now you are probably totally fucking confused!! I don’t blame you, so the fuck am I!! Welcome to my world!!
The rest of this post is probably going to confuse you all the more and I will be totally honest with you. I am not even sure I am going to post this blog so you may not even end up confused cause you might never get to fucking see it!!
You see I kind of screwed myself in the arse!! This blog always has to be totally honest!! Well as honest as it can be as it relates to being honest to myself. Sometimes I lie to myself, I think we all do!! So when I say it is totally honest it is as far as I am believing it to be…..remember that sentence…its important!!!
BUT it is not the honesty part that has screwed me in the arse, it is who I am sharing my blog with. For my own self I have to continue to be honest in my writings but my shitty behavior involves about 2 people whom read my blog so I find myself in a dilemma of wanting and needing to write honestly and truthfully but of also not wanting to admit to my shittiness as it pertains to these 2 people……so because my writing is so cathartic I need to write my blog; but fuck knows if I am ever going to post it!!
By now I bet your curiosity is totally piqued about what I have done that is so shitty….sorry but I think you might just have to suck it up buttercup….Just this moment…I mean honestly this split second I have decided not to go into detail about the situation.
I mean details, details…..who really needs them!!! Suffice to say that while I feel like I have made some really shitty decisions in the last couple of weeks the only person it has truly affected with a negative outcome is me!!!
I have not gone out of my way to hurt anyone, I have not knowingly lied to anyone, I have not cheated or stolen from anyone…..What I have done is not been honest to myself and because I was not honest to myself I made some decisions which indirectly ended up not being completely honest to the situation.
It is now a couple of days later….fucking amazing hey, look at that!! You time traveled!! Anyway, it is a couple of days later and I have some fun and interesting posts to write so I have decided to finish this one, post it and get it out of the way for your reading pleasure or displeasure……I am going to summarize my shitty behavior into one paragraph with a continued promise that I will write about Sir at some point when my heart is ready…..
Here goes…..my shittiness!!! I sent Sir a message and in one sentence I told him I loved him and for that reason had decided not to see him anymore……Yep I truly fucking did! As promised I will go into that whole story in more detail another time, right now it just hurts my heart and I am not ready….Suffice to say that I think the pain now is tolerable versus pain later so I selfishly chose the pain now and have probably denied Sir and Butterfly some happy times……Now if that is not shitty enough in itself the next thing I did was immediately invite Mon Capitaine to join me on my weekend bucket list adventure!! I could rationalize it and say that I felt Mon Capitaine would be an interesting and welcome distraction from the hurt in my heart and if I am being honest he really was but that does not excuse the fact that I was shitty to Sir and Shitty to Mon Capitaine…..Shitty shitty shitty!!!!!
There I am done…..!