Oh my fucking god where do I start!!! Firstly, if y’all have never been to a music festival add it to your bucket list!! Go…do it now, I will wait!! Did you write it down on your bucket list?? Good good because I am not shitting you, it is something that everyone should experience at least once in their life….except the camping, fuck sleeping in a tent, go buy an RV or camper van then find a music festival and go!! Fuck even if it ends up being a folk music festival, do yourself an favor and GO!!!
I honestly had no fucking idea what to expect…I googled in preparation for the experience because y’all know how much I love google…..There was a lot of stuff about drugs, debauchery, nakedness and some of the shit I read was a little scary. I mean honestly, I had to ask Mon Capitaine if I was going to be safe sleeping alone in my tent and he assured me that I would be and that he would take very good care of me…..For the most part he did….I say for the most part because by the close of the weekend I have a total of 12 bruises on my body…”The dirty dozen” and 4 of those bruises on my upper leg are a perfect match to Mon Capitaine’s finger marks….Not that I am complaining, about it!! The only good thing about the fucking tents was “tent sex”….now that was hot!! In more ways than one!!
What of the other 8 bruises…..I am glad you asked!! I earned them all legitimately from various things…Being on the outskirts of a mosh pit twice earned me a couple. Assisting with crowd surfing earned me my proudest bruises. And I think I earned a couple from falling down drunk!! I am proud of all my bruises and I am wearing them like a badge of honor…except the fucker on my arm, that one hurts like a mofo!!!
What I also earned legitimately were beads, 4 sets of beads to be exact and a Jello shot….It was like a “New Orleans” do over except the difference is all I had to do in New Orleans was pull down my top and let the people on the balcony look down my shirt……When Mon Capitaine told me about the beads at the ROK and that I would have to lift up my shirt and flash I said “Oh hell no, there is not enough alcohol on the planet for me to do that…..apparently there is….seems I consumed enough alcohol for me to not only do it once but to repeat the experience another 4 times…..I saw one dude with a camera so if my tata’s appear on social media somewhere I have decided that the only thing I am going to feel about that is proud that someone thinks my 50 year old tits are worth sharing!!!
Something else worth mentioning is “toileting” There are 4 choices at the ROK for taking care of business……I am talking about peeing because Y’all know my bowels clam up fucking tight when I am not in my own home….anyway, there are 4 things you can do and I tried 3 of the 4 methods…The first option is a “go girl” it is a device that lets you stand up and pee, I guess a bit like a portable catheter but one which you do not insert. I seriously considered buying it while standing in the camping section in Walmart but decided against it….Let me tell you, my other 3 options left me sorely regretting that decision…..One option at the ROK is the toilet cubicles in the shower block, these are open stalls that have a shower curtain for a door….what the fuck!! A shower curtain!!. The one time I used those loo’s I discovered the shower curtain had something that looked remarkably like shit sprayed all up it and there was not enough soap in the world for me to feel clean after having touched it before noticing the shit stains!! The other option is the many “porta potties” scattered throughout the camp and festival site. These became my option of choice though I have to hesitate when I say that because “porta potties” are not pleasant places and my immediate need after using one was to Lysol my entire body though I usually had to settle for just my hands and arms. The worst thing about porta potties is they don’t flush and fucked if I know why…but every single fucking time I used a porta potty I looked inside it…….I kept telling myself that I was not going to do that the next time but sure enough I still fucking did. Not sure what the fuck I expected to see in there….A dead body floating perhaps? who the fuck knows…What I do know is that excessive alcohol consumption seems to have an affect on peoples bowels…either that or more than half the population of America suffers from chronic diarrhea and I have seen enough runny shit to last me a lifetime…thank you very much!!!
The final option was pissing behind the tent at 3 am after drinking copious amounts of alcohol, I discovered that I was not the only person who chose this option but fortunately we all had the good sense to piss slightly away from camp so we did not all wake up to the smell of a sewer!!!
Now let’s talk about this camping bullshit…don’t get me wrong, the festival was fucking awesome, one of the best times ever….but the camping OMG fuck that shit!! When “Mon Capitaine” first invited me to go to the ROK with him my answer was not just no…It was FUCK no!! I did not like camping when I was 7 years old and I was as sure as fuck I was not going to like it at 50. I am truly glad I decided to go because it is an experience which created some wonderful memories for me but if anyone asks me again to go camping my answer is going to be absofuckinglutely NO…..Unless they have a camper with a real bed and a real “flushing” dunny!!! Then I might consider it!!
At the end of the day I had an amazing time and I would not hesitate to do it again (camper in tow) and I am truly grateful to Mon Capitaine and his family for welcoming me into their circle and allowing me to share this fabulous experience with them…..My only regret is that I was not brave enough to crowd surf, I really wanted to do it and was OH so very close but there was this little voice in my head ” damn fucking inner bitch” that kept telling me I was 50 and needed to grow the fuck up!!! I don’t wanna grown up!!!