I am not sure if I have told y’all about my feelings on relationships and my stale bread analogy….If not then “You” my friend are in for a treat!!! If so, well all I can say is my analogy is so good it is worth repeating!!!
So here is what I think about relationships!!…… It is like a loaf of bread, when you first get it, the bread is all fresh and soft and delicious. Really good bread you can eat right out of the package, you do not even need to add butter or toppings. It is absolutely delicious all on its own…In fact it is so darn good you simply cannot get enough and you just want to keep eating that bread. Mediocre bread you may need to add a little something but it is still yummy!!
After a time the bread gets a little stale, the freshness is no longer there, the consistency is not the same and it needs some help to make it edible. Toasting it helps, as does making french toast. So while the bread can no longer be eaten out of the packaging it can still be enjoyed…..Some time later the bread is even in worse condition, toasting it is no longer enough to make it palatable and you need to take more drastic measures such as making bread pudding…..Finally you get to a point where as a last resort all you can do is make breadcrumbs!!! If you are really creative you can transform those breadcrumbs into wonderful dishes making something new, different and delicious each time but often that takes a lot of effort and time.
Finally you may get to a point where you just do not have the motivation to use the breadcrumbs creatively or you did not even take the effort to make breadcrumbs and all you have left is the inedible remains of the bread….at this stage your only option is the throw the remaining bread or crumbs in the trash and go get another loaf!!!
Do you get the picture? Can you see where I am going with this?
Relationships start of all lovely and fresh and new. So delicious you just want to spend as much time as possible with that person but after a time things can get mundane and boring and it is up to you to take steps to add things to the relationship to keep it delicious….it will never be fresh and new again, that time has gone!! But you can put in the effort, time, creativity and devotion to keep it different and exciting and delicious!!
Some people are lucky, they can make breadcrumbs that will last a lifetime and they can continue to have an interesting and exiting relationship for many many years just by coming up with new and creative recipe’s.
Other people keep using those breadcrumbs making the same thing over and over again and they are okay with it because it is what is familiar to them, they are happy to settle for what is comfortable.
Then there are the relationships that breakdown for many reasons, too many ingredients complicate things, financial issues, pressure with kids, infidelity, a whole range of shit can make the recipe go bad….My feeling is the most common one is that stale bread is stale bread no matter how you look at it or what you do with it and sometimes it is just not worth trying to save stale bread!!!
So what does my stale bread analogy mean for me? By the age of 50 I was married for a combined total of 31 years of my life, I can honestly say that less than 10% of those years were happy years. At times my bread was not just stale, it was nasty and moldy, other times I just had to expend way to much effort to make it palatable for very little return.
I like bread!! In fact I like it a LOT!! But I do not see me ever wanting to be committed to the same loaf of bread indefinitely. I never want to live with anyone again or be financially tied to another person. I am open to relationships but at the end of the day he would go to his home and I would go to mine…. If we get to a point where the bread is no longer delicious we will go our separate ways and seek a fresh loaf of bread!!… Don’t get me wrong, I have not closed myself off to the opportunity, I may find a loaf of bread that I want to keep around forever….I think it is unlikely, but it may happen!! But then that leads me to the question……Just what is LOVE and how does this fit in with my stale bread analogy!!!
In my fifty shades of shitty I promised you more details on the Butterfly and Sir story…It has taken so long to get to this point because I had to do a lot of self reflection and introspection before I fully understood the entire situation myself…
If you remember, I ended the relationship with Sir by telling him that I loved him and that I could no longer see him…..This part is somewhat true, I care very much for Sir, but I had to question for myself on just what is love and why did I get to that point. Also if it was Love, True love, how could I so easily walk away from it? Sure it caused me heart pain and I feel like there will always be a special place in my heart for Sir but in all my life I do not think I have experienced the gut wrenching, heart clenching true love that I believe only exists in literature and movies!!
When I self analyse the relationship that I had with Sir, what I come up with is that what I loved was dynamics of the Dom/Sub type relationship. Clearly I find that type of thing sexually exciting but beyond the sex there was a lot of elements that sparked some familiarity to me. I spent 20 years in a marriage where my spouse made many decisions for me including what I could and could not wear and while the Dom/Sub relationship with Sir was very different there was still a lot of elements of that and therefore familiarity. I have come to the conclusion that there will always be a side of me that has an inner need or desire to be submissive in certain situations but when I think about imagining this type of relationship long term I know in my heart and soul that it is not for me. I have spent too much time working on becoming the person I was always supposed to be and the inner feelings or desires of submissiveness are remnants of a former life……I may in the future pursue and enjoy a Dom/Sub sexual relationship but I now know that can only ever be limited to the bedroom and I would not want that lifestyle to bleed into my everyday life and decisions.
What of my professing my love to Sir? In all honesty I have always struggled with just what is love and how do you define it?
I know the love I have for my children is probably the purest of all loves…..People say they would do anything for their kids and I think oh that is such a crock of shit!!! If I had 10,000 in my bank account and my Son came up to me and said hey Mum I want to go on a holiday but I cannot afford it can you give me 10,000 I would probably laugh and tell him to piss off!!! BUT….If my Son came up to me and said Mum I need a kidney I would not hesitate for even a millisecond to give him one of my kidneys and if my other Son came up to me and said I need a kidney too, I would hand my last kidney over to my kids..The love for my grand-kids is the same, I would give them my last kidney. The love for my parents and siblings while still deep, is different, I would give them my kidney but not my last kidney……Love between people you do not have a blood bond with is different again and has so many levels and elements….I have only in the last couple of years felt comfortable in telling my friends that I love them, previous to this I never really thought about it. I never questioned the depths of those feelings or what it would mean if they were no longer in my life. When I separated from my first husband one of my friendships with a long time friend broke down. I went through an actual grieving process to mourn the loss of our friendship and this was both a strange and unexpected experience for me.
During the past 11 months of my dating life I have been in many relationships, some of them have been based purely on fun and sex and others have deepened into something more. There have actually been a few that I developed feelings for but at the end of the day there has not been one person that I think WOW, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person…..So what of Sir? I think that I care for him, and I feel an emotional bond and connection. I love him as a friend but I am not “in love” with him.
I know in my heart that I have never been “In Love” and in all honesty I do not expect to be. I see some of my friends marriages and it is clear to see that they are “In Love” sometimes I feel a little envious that they get to experience that but I am happy for them…..As for me, I think my scars from the past will be a barrier to me allowing myself to be “In Love” so I doubt I will ever be with someone I would give up a kidney for!!
As for my present and future self??? I will continue to have relationships, and I will freely allow feelings and emotions to come into play. I will not close myself off to those feelings because I think that you can have a mutually beneficial satisfying relationship with someone that you love and care for without being “In Love” with them.
As Mon Capitaine and I spend more and more time together I feel our connection deepening. I very much enjoy spending time with him and miss his presence when he is not around. I look forward to his morning texts and goodnight messages and we both enjoy an incredibly exciting and mutually satisfying sexual relationship with each other. 3 months ago I probably would have taken steps to sabotage what we have going by now. I would have found our closeness threatening and taken steps to inadvertently end it…..I have always said that you cannot continue to have sex with the same person on a regular basis and not develop some kind of feelings for that person and I truly believe that….My self reflection and introspection has helped me to understand that developing feelings for someone that I am having a companionable and sexual relationship like Mon Capitaine is not a bad thing….It actually only intensifies the experience and makes it all the more enjoyable….And not just the sexual experience either, the companionship and adventures!!…..
I feel like my journey has not just been about becoming the person I was always supposed to be but also about becoming the best person I can be and understanding myself in the process…….This journey began just prior to my 50th birthday and as I approach my 51st birthday I reflect on this past year and I feel so incredibly fortunate and blessed to have the experiences of this last 12 months. I am excited to see where this journey will continue to take me!!!