No no, it is not what you think, I have not been a shitty person or done shitty things again, actually I have been very well behaved of late….but I did have a shitty experience…literally!!!
Disclosure: If you don’t wanna read about poop hit the X button :P….but its a pretty funny story so I really think you should read on!!
Mon Capitan took me out to dinner for my birthday to my favorite restaurant, Sweet Tomatoes….I had a coupon so I ended up being a really cheap date and Mon Capitan wined and dined me for less than 15 bux!! That was going to be the last time I would see him until I got back from Kentucky the following week but the Universe had other plans for us and it turned out his work plans changed and my dinner plans changed so we were able to have dinner again together the following night. I knew we were both going to be tired from a long day so I suggested the Chinese buffet right near his hotel which he agreed was a great idea……Upon reflection perhaps Chinese food was not such a good idea!! Or maybe it was!!!
Let me back track a little…Y’all know I have problems pooping anywhere other than my own home right!! My arsehole shuts up tighter than a fucking clam and no amount of coaxing will get it to relax…….So I have been travelling with very little break in between since the beginning of June…. I was working in Kentucky and had to make an emergency trip home to Australia. I got back on the Friday and Mon Capitan stayed over then we headed for a mini road trip on the Saturday and through all these weeks my poop efforts had been minimal to say the least!!!!
Almost 3 weeks of very little pooping I think having a Chinese buffet with Mon Capitan the night I am staying over in his hotel and the evening before I am flying to Kentucky is a good idea???……For a project manager, I sure can make some shitty decisions sometimes….I mean really, where was the forethought in that…We ALL know what Chinese buffets do to you!!
The morning after the night before, the alarm goes off super early and we reach towards each other for a morning cuddle (no kissing because we both have morning breath!!) The cuddling has the potential to lead to morning sex as it so often does, but I feel some rumbles going on in my tummy and I am thinking how the fuck am I going to get out of this!!! Fortunately Mon Capitan takes the lead and jumps out of bed to make coffee.
My tummy is still gurgling incessantly and I know there is no avoiding it, I am going to have to poop!!! So imagine my horror!! My body fucking hates pooping ANYWHERE but my own home and now I am going to have to poop in a hotel room WITH another person in the same hotel room…..It is not even like it is someones house and the toilet is completely sectioned off from the rest of the house….It is a fucking ONE room hotel!!! OMG!!
After spending some time on the bog filling it with copious amounts of poop…..3 fucking weeks worth!! I finally finish and begin looking for something resembling air freshener…WTF!!! Nothing!!! I dash out of the bathroom, make some comment to Mon Capitan that he has no air freshener and grab my body spray out of my overnight bag, go back into the bathroom and spray everywhere VERY generously with my body spray!!
I leave the bathroom again making sure I close the door behind me……Not even 3 seconds later Mon Capitan gets up and says my turn and heads for the bathroom….What???? No no no, this is not happening, please tell me he is not going in there after I have just shit enough to build a house!!! UGH!….. As Mon Capitan entered the bathroom he said “it smells like flowers in here, you must poop flowers”!!!
Mon Capitan and I spent the next 45 minutes taking turns in “pooping on the potty!! Clearly our intestines were taking revenge on us for something we ate and we both got to a point where we were almost shitting water!!!
All we could do is laugh at hilarity of the situation and I have yet to decide if the Universe is a fucking evil bitch or if she actually was helping me out!!! I mean if a person has to go through the embarrassment of shitting up a storm why not share the experience, it actually completely takes away the embarrassment if you are both doing it!!! Also after 3 weeks of being jammed up tight my bowels are now free and clear!!! I probably lost a few pounds too 😛
While I do not really count this as a bucket list item it was a shared experience and adventure that I can cross of my list as something I have done…..!!!