My readers…. I think it is time to dedicate an entire blog post to vegetables!! Well not just vegetables exactly but any other food I deemed to be gross for the first 50 something years of my life!! This blog post has the possibility to be the most enthralling blog post of all time!!! Well, not really!!! A post about vegetables in a sex blog is likely to be a dismal failure and probably going to be as boring as shit but hey I am in Kentucky…I am not having sex and vegetables are all I have to talk about right now so suck it up!! You got the warning, if you continue to read it’s as your own risk!!
I was that girl!! You know, the one who is an embarrassment at restaurants, can never order directly off the menu and sends food back if it is not right!! Yep, that was me!! I honestly was the fussiest person anyone knew. People would talk about me behind my back…”Oh god! Do we have to invite her, she is so fussy!!”
When family and friends made plans for an event that involved food and they could not get out of inviting me then the menu’s or venues were chosen taking my extreme fussiness into consideration…..I would often hear the comment “You choose the restaurant because your so fussy.” More often than not my go to dish was grilled chicken breast and salad but even then I had to question every ingredient in the salad….I mean WTF…it’s salad!!
I have many horrible memories as a child of being force to eat what I deemed disgusting food. I had a plate of potatoes pushed in my face, I’ve gagged or thrown up many times after being made to eat something gross, I was even offered a choice, eat my potatoes or have a smack….I chose the smack!! I hold no anger or resentment towards my parents, they were doing the best they could with what they had. Nobody even knew there was such thing as sensory perception disorder and how the fuck does a 3 year old explain that certain textures are absolutely unbearable!!! unfortunately though the end result of many very negative experiences as a child was that I was absolutely phobic about food to the point where just watching someone eat potato could induce vomiting and I refused to try anything new….I had an extremely limited and basic diet….Seriously!! I remember for several years as a child my dinner was often a plate of tomato sauce and a couple of pieces of bread and butter.
Potato was and is my most hated food, however I would eat hot chips (french fries) but only if they were hot enough to burn my lip. If I was walking around with a blister on my top lip you knew I had hot chips for dinner the night before…..I gave up eating french fries a few years ago because it is not socially acceptable to touch your food to your face before you put it in your mouth!!!
Of all the transformations that I have made to myself and my life the one that is the most astounding for me is my attitude towards food. No matter how I try I do not think I could possibly explain the absolute fucking wonder and amazement I feel when I eat something that previously would have made me gag or throw up….Words cannot do justice to the entire situation…I mean seriously, how the fuck does a person go from being the “fussiest person you know” to someone who will pretty much try anything, including slimy oysters!!!
Fuck!! I am not even sure how it happened!! I know that my embarrassment forced me to step out of my comfort zone and be a tiny teeny little bit adventurous with food but I never in a gazillion years expected that one day my phobias on food would completely vanish and that I would eat fucking asparagus let alone it becoming one of my favorite foods!!
I know that my food issues were definitely a phobia of sorts so in order to explain my total and utter fucking amazement imagine this scenario…..Imagine a person with arachnophobia so bad they run out of the room screaming when they see a spider…they undergo therapy for their phobia and the end result is that they can be in the same room as a spider…They don’t like the spider and they will never be friends with the spider but they no longer run out of the room screaming…..This is the typical result of this type of therapy to help a person get over phobias……Me on the other hand and my phobia with food is equivalent to not only being able to be in the same room as a spider but allowing the spiders to fucking crawl all over me….I am serious!! Not only have I been able to try new foods and eat “cooked vegetables”…..fucking vegetables have become my favorite food!! Except Potato!!! Never ever never will I eat potato, it is the food which started all my horrors as a child and there nothing or no-one on this planet that will convince me that potato is not evil!!!
I have one more thing to say about vegetables…..for as long as I can remember I have always had a secret fascination with watching people eat corn on the cob…I have no fucking clue why and its a little weird really but I have always been envious watching people eat it…..! Imagine how excited I was try corn on the cob….I was disappointed, it just tasted blah!! However because I spent so many years fascinated with watching people eating corn on the cob I persevered…I have since discovered that not all corn on the cob is equal, in fact some taste blah and others are fucking delicious….But….The one thing that all corn on the cob have in common is that it is FUN to eat….I mean it..!! Corn on the cob is FUN to eat and if you say it is not then you are boring or fibbing!!
Just be warned…if you serve me corn on the cob or if you go out to dinner with me and I order corn on the cob I am going to try my darnedest to squirt you with corn juice!!!