I had to think hard about if I was going to write this blog because it has the potential of hurting the feelings of people I care for very much.
It all started around my birthday and I had pretty much decided I was going to suck it up buttercup and not write about it but then a different type of situation happened today which bought all those same feelings back again so I have decided I need to be true to myself and true to my blog and write about it.
In order for me to learn and grow from this experience I need to accept these feelings regardless of their validity. I have tried to hide and avoid them because I feel like having these feelings makes me a shitty person but at the end of the day they are my feelings and I am going to own them….My blog has always been totally honest and open so I am going to continue in that trend.
I care very much about the people involved in the situations that prompted these feelings and I hope that they understand this is not a reflection on them or on their actions. I really want them to understand this!! I personally believe my feelings are not valid and that I should not feel this way but I do, so I am going to own my feelings despite the fact that I feel like they are not valid and I hoping that my blog will be cathartic in this regard and help me move on.
Let me start by saying that over the last couple of months I have started to question my decision to return to Australia. I am terrified of starting again in my career at the age of 51, I am scared of the cost of living over there and having to get used to a different lifestyle financially and I am mostly scared that I will not be able to reintegrate and adjust and that I will have some reverse culture shock…….Recent events however have reinforced that I have made the right decision because I will have the single most important thing again……The people who know me the best, my family and friends!!
For those of you who don’t know, I recently had to make an emergency trip to Australia for my Mother who was critically ill, let me tell you this was some of the most stressful days of my entire life….. Fortunately she is doing okay now, in fact, when I finally got to the hospital 4 days later she was sitting in a chair in the ICU drinking coffee…..I am like what the fuck!! She said “well I had to get you here somehow”!! I told her if she ever did that to me again I would kill her myself!!
Anyway I digress…fuck I am good at digressing….Lets get back on track……. Because of work commitments I could only stay in Australia for a week which meant I could not stay for my birthday. I had to leave 4 days before my birthday….4 fucking days!!!
I did not expect my family to do anything for my birthday, after all I was leaving before my birthday and we literally spent most of the week at the hospital with my Mum so it was nice when at the last minute my Sister gave me a birthday pressie to put in my suitcase to take back with me.
One of the things I have always struggled with in America is feeling like my birthday is a nothing day !!
My birthday was always overshadowed by Fathers day weekend…..Sometimes we would go to my second husbands family for Fathers day BBQ and most of his family would forget it was even my birthday occasionally they might remember and wish me Happy Birthday. The only person in his family that remembered my birthday consistently was his daughter.
Very rarely would my second hubby buy me a birthday pressie, his excuse was always that he did not know what to buy me……And that my friends is the saddest statement ever…….Seriously, after so many years of marriage you would expect your partner to know what you like and don’t like…!
This year I was hoping my last birthday in America would be different and this is where it gets tricky because again I do not want to hurt the feelings of my friends but here is that shitty honesty I am so good at and I have to say that once again it felt like a nothing day!!!
Honestly I don’t know what the fuck I expect!! I am 51 years old for fucks sake, it is about time I grew up….But I have to wonder, do we ever grow up when it comes to our birthday? Do other people feel the way that I do? I want to be spoiled on my birthday, I want to be showered with birthday cards, gifts and meaningful acts. I want to be shown by the people in my life that they love and care for me enough to want to make my birthday special.!!…
The day before my birthday I met Louise and Mr T for dinner, they bought me dinner and a lovely pot of fresh flowers with a sweet card.
Mon Capitaine and I went to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner on my birthday and we had some great sex.
My team at work bought me a lovely card and a platter of fruit.
So this is where I come across as a shitty person with invalid feelings, because my birthday was not totally ignored……… As you can see my friends, my staff and my Semi Quasi boyfriend all celebrated my birthday with me!!!
But at the end of the day my birthday still left me feeling empty and morose……
I did not get to choose the restaurant that I met Louise and Mr T at, we met at our usual hang out. The flowers while absolutely beautiful could not be enjoyed as they should have been because I had to get on a plane and fly to Kentucky for work and they died alone without being enjoyed in my cabin in the woods.
Dinner and Sex with Mon Capitaine was no different than dinner and sex on any other occasion. Originally we had planned to dress up and go somewhere really nice for dinner but work constraints for Mon Capitaine meant that we ended up at Sweet Tomatoes, a great place but not a typical birthday dinner place.
The two things that made me feel special for my birthday was that my team had put a lot of thought into the fact that I don’t eat cake for the sake of healthy living so they bought a platter of fruit and the gift that my sister had me put into my suitcase….I cried copious amounts of both happy and sad tears when I opened my sisters gift, happy because the actual gift itself showed me just how well my sister knows me and sad because I realized that I have so few people in my life that actually know me that well!!
So you can see why I struggled with even writing about this in my blog….One side of my brain tells me I should be grateful for the experiences that I DID have on my birthday and my inner bitch is calling me an ungrateful cow for having ANY feelings other than being grateful for my friends that celebrated my birthday with me…..But….fuck!! I have those shitty feelings and I can choose to ignore them and eventually they will go away!!! The trouble with that is if you don’t accept and own those feelings despite how shitty you think they are you cannot learn and grow from them!!!……..And if you do not accept and learn and grow from them, there is always the possibility they will resurface and show their ugly heads again……Like now!!!!
Today is July 4th….This is more than likely the last time in my life that I will celebrate July 4th, I recognized this a few days ago and decided I wanted to make it special.
Mon Capitaine and I had plans to spend the day together, he thought he was coming over for homemade chili but at the last minute yesterday I decided to surprise him and have a traditional July 4th BBQ.
I bought a table top BBQ grill, made some delicious vegetable kebabs, have corn cobs ready for grilling as well as some cheese and asparagus stuffed chicken breast……Cleaned my house, got some beer and then the piece de resistance……I went out and bought some fireworks!!……All ready for my final July 4th in America!!!!
There is just one problem, Mon Capitaine is missing, unfortunately he got sick and cannot make it and while I feel really bad for him and I sincerely hope he feels better soon…….There is this shitty part of me that is upset that I am alone on July 4th and once again I am left feeling like a nothing person on a nothing day!!!
There is no back up plan!!! Being in a country that is not my own with a very small circle of friends when my plans fall astray for whatever reason I am not in a position where I can just call on some other friends or family and join their plans or make new ones….
So I am going to allow myself to have these feelings today and tonight, I will have my pity party, grill some veggies, eat some corn on the cob and set off some fireworks all on my lonesome and then when I am done with my pity party I am going to move forward with enjoying life and the experiences that it has to offer……I am also going to accept that there is a part of me that may possibly always feel this way….Or at least until I get home to my Family and friends in Australia who have known and loved me for all or most of my life..!!!!