Those are my Fathers words…this was his morning routine and I would often hear him say he was going to “shit, shower and shave” I should have listened to my Father for he was a wise man!!
I should have understood the importance of the ORDER of those 3 little words…Shit, shower, shave!!
I consider that I know my body pretty well, if I am alone, and in my own home my bowels never fail me. I will have my morning coffee and before I reach the end of my cup I will need to take a dump…It is like clockwork…As long as those two conditions are met (in my own home and alone) I can take my morning crap………..So why, oh why did I think it would be okay to save some time this morning and spread NAIR all over my nether regions so it could soak in while I drank my morning coffee????!
Honestly I do not know when I am going to get the hang of this shaving malarkey….I am 51 years old for fuck sake, you would think I would have a pretty good grasp on it by now!!
So here I am sitting at my computer, slathered in Nair drinking my morning coffee when I received the tell tale message from my bowels that I needed to crap….WTF, seriously!! I immediately realized my error and honestly my only excuse for my stupidity is that I have not had sex for about 4 days and my shaving expedition is in preparation for a sex date tonight in which I am promised to be soundly spanked for a minor transgression…..so yeah, my brain is elsewhere right now!!!
I decide I need to move along in my routine, get in the shower and complete my hair removal endeavors so that I can go take a shit…..While in the shower I realize I need to fart, its okay, I am alone so I can fart away to my hearts content until I realized that what wanted to come out of my arse was more than just a fart!!! There was no way I could finish my shaving routine, I needed to poop and NOW….!!!
The way I saw it, I had two options, shit in the shower or get out of the shower covered in shampoo, soap, shaving cream and water and sit on my toilet in this condition and take a dump…..Of course I chose option number two, there was no way I was cleaning shit up out of shower.
Not sure if anyone has ever had to jump out of the shower to take a shit but it is an experience all of its own, it is very slippery and a little hard to maintain balance on the toilet seat and now I know how a little kid feels when they are toilet training for the first time, honestly if my arse was smaller I would have been afraid of falling in!!!
My morning constitution complete, the toilet all cleaned and dried and I am back in the shower to finish my shower and shave…..I reflect once again on my Fathers wise words…..Shit, shower and shave……IN THAT ORDER!!!!