Well fuck, I figured it was time to write this letter, its been on my mind for a while now but recent events have bought it to head… Before I do however, let me tell you the frame of mind I am in right now because it is probably going to put an interesting spin on the letter.
I just got home after having another extremely boring day at the office only to find a strange vehicle in my driveway. There was a man in the vehicle and he said hello to me through the open passenger window, then he reversed around and left. I entered my cabin and it all looked fine, busting for the loo I went to go into my bedroom and the door was locked from the inside. Now, I am not sure how most people would react to something like that…Fuck, I guess living ALONE in a “Cabin the woods” a reasonable person might think…strange car, door locked from the inside…get the fuck out of there… But me?? Nope, I just burst into tears because I had a shit day and I need to piss real bad!! My next best decision was to go into my office, turn on my computer and sit down to write my blog!!…
It is 20 minutes later, my bladder took over from the insanity and after some text messages and phone calls where I politely declined a suggestion from my landlord to call the sheriffs department I managed to find something to pry open my bedroom door with, having emptied my bladder, dried up my tears, I am now back to my blog…
I should also preface this letter by reminding y’all that I openly admit to being batshit crazy and that I am a self confessed FUBAR. “Fucked up beyond all REPAIR”… Remember when I said there are some scars that run just too deep they cannot be healed or repaired… This blog is about one of them!!
Why do you still invade my dreams? Last night I woke up crying, not just a pretty little sob either! My fucking pillow was soaking wet, my nose full of boogers and tears all over my face. Fuck I am an ugly crier, it’s good thing it was 3 am and there was nobody here to see!!
I know where the dream came from, I know why it came to me last night but what I don’t know is how to fix it and how to make it go away!
Susan… I have come such a long way in my personal growth and development, in fact my self esteem has never been so healthy before… So WHY do you have to sneak back in and steal from me what I have worked so hard for? I know that I am denying a very real part of you, but you need to understand while it might be real there is no value in what you feel and despite me trying I have not been able to resolve or come to terms with those feelings so my next best option is to ignore or deny they exist… I feel like if you just completely went away I could forever deny those feelings, they were your feelings Susan, not mine… But every time a situation comes up that anywhere near resembles the situations that inspired those feelings I am reminded once again that you are part of me and that you will always be part of me so to deny those feelings would be to deny you!!
My readers are totally fucking confused Susan, I can hear their brains digesting everything they are reading and possibly thinking “Oh my fuck” she really is batshit crazy!!.. Shall we share with my readers what the fuck I am talking about? You know what I am talking about don’t you Susan, it is such a HUGE part of you… I just wish that you would learn to keep it to yourself!! I don’t want YOUR rejections of the past to be a part of me!!
I know the scars run deep Susan, I know that you still hurt from so much rejection… Remember when you were the 3 musketeers, Sneaky Sue, Sly Sharon and Tricky Tracy… They were the first real friends that you ever had. All 3 of you were so close and for the first time in your life you felt like you belonged somewhere… I know when Michelle came along the dynamics of the group changed and you became the butt of their jokes. Remember at Sharon’s birthday party while you were sleeping they covered your face in makeup and put tomato sauce up your nose. You woke up choking and crying and they all just thought it was hysterical… I know eventually you became ostracized from the group, I know that hurt all came back to you many years later when you sent a friends request to Tracy in Facebook and it was never accepted, I know the hurt cut even deeper when you saw that Tracy and Sharon were friends… But they are hurts from the past Susan and you have to let them go… This madness must stop, you have to stop letting those continued feelings of rejection in the past from clouding my future… Because this is MY future Susan not yours!!
Don’t you see, it is not the same? Not getting an invite to an event others you know are attending is not the same, someone who promises to keep in touch but then does not simply isn’t the same, when a friend has some major changes in their life and you can no longer see each other as much just isn’t the same, when another friendship changes for no apparent reason it honestly does not mean it is the same… And when someone cancels on you or cannot fit you in their schedule it really truly is not the same… So why, oh why the fuck Susan do you invade my thoughts and my feelings and make it feel the same??? You have to stop doing this Susan!!! I cannot keep taking every single fucking thing personally, as though ALL of these events are a rejection against ME!!
I don’t know how to fix it for you Susan, I don’t know how to fix it for us!!! If I did, don’t you think I would have fixed it by now? I need you to know and understand Susan… IT’S NOT THE SAME!!! Well, some of it might be the same, perhaps some people are rejecting you/us, but it’s okay, part of life is learning how to handle rejection… I know the scars are too deep Susan, I remember the ones that cut really deep, like the ultimate rejection from Mum that day in the police station, but she didn’t know any better Susan and was dealing with what she could the best way she knew how… She was not rejecting YOU Susan, she was rejecting the situation and IT’S NOT THE SAME!!!
So come on Susan, please, stop invading my dreams, my thoughts and my life!!
With love from the real you!!