This blog has always been a complete and total honest record of my journey… BUT not JUST a record of my journey, it has contained my inner most thoughts and feelings, crap and shit that people usually keep to themselves and while I have found it very cathartic on what has been a sometimes tumultuous and adverse, often embarrassing but mostly thrilling and exciting ride there have been times where my “over sharing” has fucked me in the arse.
So here I am again at a point where I have to decide if I should write about what is going on in my life right now or just suck it the fuck up and move on and to be totally honest with you, as I write this I still don’t know the answer so I guess I am going to just sit here at my computer and see where my fingers and the rambling thoughts of a funloving, slightly quirky batshit crazy nymphomaniac takes us!! Is that okay? If not, you know where the X is… Just up there in the right hand corner of the screen!
I know I am fighting depression, fuck, I know myself too well in that regard and I know the stupid shit that goes through my head but I promise that I am trying to keep up the good fight!!
So I soldiered on struggling through another tedious and boring day, the highlight was lunch with Louise which was a much needed distraction. We went to an amazing new Chinese buffet in town. I enjoyed some wonderful food and conversation with Louise and as always at the end of the meal I opened my fortune cookie. Over the last year I have found some extremely relevant fortunes in these cookies and I have kept them pinned to my desk at work, these relevant ones are rare, few and far between. Mostly these cookies are full of rubbish but occasionally I get a GEM of a fortune which I just have to keep. Today’s fortune cookie took every single ounce of composure to not just burst into tears.
“The person waiting for you at home will be your friend for life”!!
There is nobody waiting for me at home… “The Captain is gone!!… Thelma (my borrowed dog) may be on the doorstep but she leaves me next week too…!! I secretly hoped that Mon Capitaine’s office had changed their mind once again and that I would find “Mon Capitaine” at my little red cabin in the woods when I got home, but alas this fantasy was not to be.
I got home to my empty little wooded cabin, not even Thelma was there to greet me. I had forgotten to turn my air conditioner on so upon entering I was assaulted with incredible heat. I then opened my bedroom door and waited to be assaulted by equally incredible heat but what assaulted me was the overpowering smell of “Mon Capitaine” I had somehow managed to get through the entire day without crying but this was too much and I totally lost it. I laid on my bed and sobbed into “The Captains” pillow before I eventually pulled myself together and texted “The Captain”.! He had sprayed his cologne on the body pillow which he left for me. I am sure at the time he thought it was a great idea and maybe in a couple of days I might think it was a great idea but last night it did not feel like a great idea and just left me feeling empty and depressed for most of the night.
Mon Capitaine did manage to put a smile back on my face later in the evening, he had come up with a plan for us to see each other. “Oklahoma State fair” Yes!! Yes! Yes!! Another item to add to my bucket list!! So while we have yet to make confirmed plans for this adventure it looks like I only have to wait 28 days before I get to see “The Captain” again… What the FUCK!! 28 days… Groan!
Anyway I went to bed early last night with mixed feelings, happy that I was going to see “The Captain” again but also feeling sad and confused because you see those negative bullshit feelings had already started to creep in to my batshit crazy fucked up head… FUBAR remember!! Fucked up beyond all repair! Honestly I don’t know why I do it to myself and the bitch of it is “Mon Capitaine” knows me so well he knew it would happen. I forgot his exact words but he pretty much told me “After I leave and you start thinking all that negative shit like “well he didn’t like me anyway” just call me and I will set you straight!!” You know, I think one day when I was sleeping he somehow slipped into my head and took a good look around in there, I mean fuck, how does he know my inner fucking bitch so well!! Honestly he sometimes knows the shit that goes on in my head before I do!
So after a restless sleep and a confused night of mixed feelings I finally dragged myself awake shortly before 8 am. The first thing I did was reach for my phone to check my good morning message from “Mon Capitaine” and there was none 😦
There was a lovely good morning message from Louise which I responded to and then I had to debate if I should send a message to “Mon Capitaine” So this is where I am going to let you in my head a little and this is how my inner conversation went.
• Well I guess it isn’t even a “semi quasi” relationship anymore so good mornings are probably a thing of the past.
• But we always say good morning to each other
• Don’t be a baby, he is probably trying to make things easier
• Maybe he needs to break ties completely
• Maybe we are not even going to go to Oklahoma State fair
• Yep that’s it, he is trying to find a way to just cut it off completely
• If you say good morning first you will sound needy
• Maybe he is still sleeping, if I just send a Good morning first surely it will be okay
• Yeah sure send it if you want to seem like a needy loser
• Just grow up, its a text for fucks sake
So after a rambling conversation in my head I sent a Good morning message to “Mon Capitaine” he responded almost right away, he had been up for a couple of hours and again my fucked up brain did not quite now how to process that information.
• See, he is trying to break ties
• Don’t be so dumb he was letting you sleep
• He knows you have do not disturb on
• Okay so he is busy, he has a shit load to do before he starts his next project
• It only takes seconds to text
• Yep, he is trying to break ties
Honestly when you read the ramblings that go on in my fucked up head one has to wonder how I even function!! I have come such a long way in my journey and I know that my self esteem is SO much better than it was 12 months ago. I still feel confident and great about myself. I know I am a good person with a LOT to offer not just physical relationships or partnerships but also friendships so WHY the fuck do I continue to internalize in such a negative way… The simple fact of the matter is that what Mon Capitaine and I had WAS a “Semi Quasi” relationship, we both knew right from the start that the ” relationship” part was only temporary. We will always have a great friendship albeit from a distance but at the end of the day we are not bound and have never been bound by the ties of a traditional relationship and I need to accept that things are going to change for us over the coming months and I have to learn NOT to take ANY of those changes personally or as a sign of rejection.
But here I am at 11 am on a Saturday morning feeling terribly sad and lonely, I have been up for 3 hours and this day is so incredibly interminably slow and I have been fighting the urge to jump in my car and participate in some retail therapy but I keep reminding myself ” 8 fucking suitcases” So I am wondering just how the fuck am I going to get through this day… And every other fucking day until December 10th!
The fact of the matter is I still have not learnt yet HOW to be alone and I am just not sure how I am going to make it. My job is winding down so it is excruciatingly painfully boring, I live in the middle of bumfuck and nowhere, my borrowed dog is leaving, my landlord is leaving, most of my staff have left, Mon Capitaine left and I am LEFT feeling the exact same way I felt the day Terry left so I have to wonder did I even make ANY growth at all over the past 12 months if this is what this has bought me back to!!
Self confessed Fun loving, Slightly Quirky, Batshit crazy, soon to be sex starved nympho-maniacal FUBAR