Hahahaha!! As much as I would like to I cannot take credit for the title of this blog…while the story is mine the blog title was “Mon Capitaine’s idea…and a very apt title it is!
True story this, I have just spend the last hour writing about how I ended up at a Casino in Louisiana and was NOT having fun but after reading through my draft I thought what the fuck am I doing, this is as boring as shit an Y’all don’t want to read about conversations I have with my inner bitch when I am in a car for 4 hours… Y’all want to know about sex and orgasms and spankings and any other kinky shit I can come up with!! Right?? Sorry, while I won’t bore you with inner bitch talk this blog post is not about yummy sexy stuff (because I am not getting any) it is about poop and pee… X out if you must, you know the drill, top right corner!!
Anyway as I know y’all don’t want the boring stuff I hit the delete button and now you will never know just what the fuck my inner bitch and I talked about or how the fuck I ended up in Louisiana but suffice to say I did go to Louisiana and this adventure of Chutes and Bladders takes place there… I wish I could say it was a seedy hotel because that would make the story sound even better but it wasn’t. It is actually a very nice upmarket Casino hotel.
So lets remind you of two facts which are important to this story, firstly I had bladder surgery, I no longer piss myself laughing, I can cough, sneeze, fart, run, jump and I will not pee my pants… BUT, the one down side is while I can hold my pee for quite a long time there IS a point of no return and I will need to piss immediately. At this point there is NO control, control is gone, kegel muscles and pee-stop are a thing of the past. If I do not get to a toilet immediately I will piss my pants and not just a little trickle like I used to do when I laughed, the entire fucking flood gates will open and I keep pissing until my bladder is empty.
I used to be lazy, going to piss is such a waste of fucking time and I always had better things to do so I would always leave it until I was bursting… Not since I had my bladder surgery though, I pretty much go to the loo soon after my body tells me to… I learnt my lesson once, never again!!! Or so I thought!
The other fact I need to remind you off is my poop phobia and my broken toilet. If you remember I can ONLY poop in my own toilet, the trouble is that fucking thing only works occasionally and as Mon Capitaine was playing house with me, 2 people flushing and showering was making it so the BOG hardly ever worked at all.
In fact my toilet is so shitty (pun intended) that Mon Capitaine was even ignoring his own bowels and foregoing his morning poop to help me with my stubborn anal sphincter!! (bless his heart) Below is how that conversation went!!
Mon Capitaine: I made it to work just fine! 10 seconds longer, though, and I would have been having to go buy new pants, soap, and disinfectant for this bathroom…
Jad: Oh no
Jad: Question for you!
Jad: Are you purposely not using my bathroom in the mornings?
Mon Capitaine: Yes
Mon Capitaine: You’ve only got one good flush in the mornings to get your poop down, and I know it pains you to leave it! So I’m leaving first attempt for you. If it still doesn’t go, it’s your landlords fault, not mine!
This was very sweet of The Captain but the problem was my bowels knew my toilet was broken and that my shit would have to float around in it all day for anyone to see so they had already clammed up tight and I was pretty much just waiting for the explosion… By the time I headed to Louisiana it had been 9 days since I had pooped anything more than a couple of rabbit pellets!!
So now my friends the stage is all set, are you ready for Chutes and Bladders?
I was having an absolutely miserable time at the Casino and was really just pissing away money because I was not having fun however come Sunday afternoon after some lovely messages from Mon Capitaine and several bossy conversations with Ms Louise I was feeling more positive and decided to pretty myself up in my favorite red dress and head on down to the Casino. I was still losing money but it was okay because I was having fun, I was in a better frame of mind and I was enjoying myself. I always get a lot of compliments and flirting when I am wearing my little red dress so I did a little flirting back from time to time and also decided to partake in sex on the beach!! The drink!!
4 or 5 or 7 drinks later I was feeling pretty happy, I was also on a winning streak and had pretty much won back all the money I had lost over the last couple of days… Now here is where the problem started. I needed to pee, BUT I was on a slot machine which kept winning and I was having fun so I ignored my need to pee. I also continued to order drinks every time I saw the little server girl so not only did I need to pee BAD, I continued to add fuel to the fire!! I think it was probably a good hour or more of needing to pee and probably 2 – 3 more drinks later before I realized I was probably in trouble. Now a sober person with half a brain would have gone to the nearest toilet but me, oh fuck no, my alcohol soaked brain thought it would be a good idea to go pee in my hotel room. My reasoning? Well if I use the toilet in my hotel room I don’t have to worry that other people have sat on the seat? Seriously, what the fuck!!!
So here I am, wearing these cute fucking red high heels which do not want to cooperate with my feet, trying very hard to get very quickly to my hotel room without pissing my pants. Oh wait, I am not wearing any…Without pissing down my legs!! I finally get all the way there and fuck me dead if my door key did not work. I am fucking serious, it did not work. I had to walk ALL the way back to elevator, go down 6 floors, ALL the way to hotel check in to get a new key. I passed no less than (THREE) fucking ladies restrooms on the way but did my brain think, wait a minute lets go in there. Nope, I was a woman on a fucking mission, piss in my own hotel room!! Heading back to my hotel room with new key in hand my mission became desperate, I was in serious danger of not making it and had visions of me pissing all down the hallway. At one point I walked past a room that someone had put their small trash can outside their door and I seriously considered picking it up, throwing the trash out and pissing in it but could not find any area that was secluded, I even had visions of me holding the trash can between my legs and pissing it in as I walked down the hall… Fortunately all of that was only visions in my head and I finally managed to make it to my hotel room “Bladder” in tact… I barely had time to hover over the toilet before the eruption of Niagara falls… Never, ever, ever again will I let myself get THAT desperate to pee… Ummm, I am pretty sure I said that last time I drank a bit too much… Oh well, seriously, they should consider giving away an adult diaper to every woman over 50 who buys a 6 pack of beer!!
So what of the Chutes I hear you say, glad you asked… It seemed the alcohol of the night before had the effect on my bowels that Anal play, Chinese food, and gentle tummy massage could not do… The morning after the night before I woke early with the tell tale rumble that things were not going well in bowel city. I exploded out of bed and ran to the bathroom once again making it just in time!! Fuck, no easing into it, no time for my morning coffee, it was an instantaneous feeling the moment I opened my eyes that I was going to shit and was going to shit NOW!! Fortunately my toilet was less than 20 steps away or I would have shat my pants!!
What ensued was an hour spent running back and forth to the loo expelling 9 days worth of poop, I am probably about 5 pounds lighter but with a slightly sore and overworked poop chute…!!
Well that’s it for my adventure of Chutes and Bladders!!