I just knew today was going to be BAD based on my shitty start..literally!! My toilet is fucked up, STILL, and I am on my 4th day with no successful flush in sight. I decided in my infinite wisdom to try and fool my loo by slinging a bucket of water down there to hopefully flush away what is becoming an offensive slush pit of poop!! What the fuck am I talking about, it’s shit!! It fucking started out offensive, now it is just a fucking disgustingly HORRIBLE cesspool!!
So picture this, here I am in my PJs, yep cute little shorty short ones, standing over this cesspool of poop with a bucket of water and woosh, into the toilet in one foul sweep… Keep picturing it as the entire contents of the fucking toilet splash up in retaliation all over my fucking legs!! Seriously, I already have a poop phobia and now I am traumatized by this experience, damaged for life. Never again will I be able to tip a bucket of water down the bog!! I would not be the least bit surprise if my arsehole decides to seal itself shut permanently and then I would end up being one of those people who gets so severely constipated they poop out of their mouth… I am serious, if you do not believe me JFGI (just fucking google it) It is a real condition called fecal vomiting and I am telling you now if that ever happened to me they may as well put me in a padded cell and throw away the key!!
So that was the start to my day and it pretty much went downhill from there, without going into to much detail I started off to work with an 18 mile detour because of this endless fucking rain, then major issues at the office compounded tenfold because the “United States post office was closed” Really, I am totally fucking serious!!
“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds” What a crock of fucking shit, 80% of my staff turned up to work today so why couldn’t these arseholes live up to their motto and deliver the fucking mail!! Oh wait, their motto doesn’t mention flood, oh well I guess they can be forgiven for staying in bed while the rest of Texas gets off their arse and gets back to business.
My next order of business was to call “American Airlines” UGH!! Honestly of all the airlines in the world I hate them the most so I have no clue what the fuck possessed me to book my upcoming trip to Canada with them but I did and now I had to call them because the whole of fucking Houston is flooded and it does not look like I will be flying out of there anytime soon. Here is how my first conversation went!
Jad: Hello yes, I am scheduled to fly to Canada on Thursday out of Houston, does not look like it is going to happen so I want to see if I can re route out of Austin or Dallas but I do not want to pay any extra money.
Jake: (not from State farm) I see, so you want to make a reservation to fly to Canada on Thursday and you want to use your advantage points.
Jad: I am not sure what drugs you are on, or what you had for breakfast this morning but that was nothing remotely like anything I said, were you even listening to me?
Jake: (maybe he is from State farm and he is moonlighting, his lack of sleep may excuse his behavior) I apologize, what is it you are trying to do.
Jad: There are floods in Texas, Houston airport is closed, I have a ticket from Houston to Canada on Thursday I need to change airports.
Jake: I can do that for you but as it will be a voluntary change there will be a $200 fee, you will also be responsible for any additional cost of the ticket.
Jad: How is this a voluntary change, Houston is flooded, the airport is closed, pretty sure I cannot swim there with a heavy suitcase and even if I did manage it I am almost certain your plane is not going to take off.
Jake: We can change the dates on your ticket for no fee but we cannot change the origin or destination of the ticket.
Jad: But I don’t want to go to Canada on a different date, I booked it for Thursday, I want to go on Thursday, if I wanted to go on a different date don’t you think I would have booked it for a different date?
Jake: Like I said I cannot change the origin without a fee.
Jad: Jake, please get me a supervisor.
I spoke to a supervisor who pretty much repeated verbatim what Jake said however she did research other flight options for me out of Dallas and basically told me they would waive the $200 change fee as an exception (like they were doing me a HUGE fucking favor) but I would still have to pay the “difference” in fare which is $592 dollars!! Are you fucking kidding me, that is more than I paid for my ticket in the first place.
Basically at the end of the phone conversation I was left in a situation where if my flight got cancelled I would get a FULL refund but I could not apply for a refund BEFORE it was cancelled as I bought a NON refundable ticket. She could not tell me if and when it would be cancelled so they pretty much fucking tied my hands behind my back as I could not research and purchase a ticket with another airline while I still had this ticket hanging about unless I was prepared to lose the money should Houston miraculously dry out by Thursday!!
What a total crock of shit!! American Airlines sucks arse!!…. Or so I thought!!
A couple of hours later I received notification on my American Airlines phone app that my flight has been cancelled and they were not successful in re booking and I would have to call Customer service
Here we go again, please don’t let it be Jake!!
This time I cannot remember the dudes name but he went to the same school as Jake and was trained in how to be a robotic idiotic dickhead.
The simple fact of the matter was when I booked this ticket they took my money immediately, now they are telling me it will take 7 to 10 business days to return the money which is simply not acceptable, while I have other funds and other credit cards I had these specific funds set aside for this trip and wanted them released immediately so I could book a replacement ticket and I was not prepared to wait 7 to 10 fucking business days… So I once again asked for a supervisor.
Ms Jolly, well fuck she sure did live up to her name!!
Initially the conversation was not starting out so good because she was pretty much repeating what the robotic idiot dickhead said but after I said to her listen, I am not trying to be difficult but please put yourself in my position. I am just trying to get to Canada on Thursday, your company despite all of your little airplanes flying around in the sky cannot seem to get me to Canada on Thursday so now I am going to have to take my hard earned pennies to another company who can fly me to Canada, so please give me back my damn pennies so I can do that!! After a little more back and forth on what I was trying to achieve the “wonderful” Ms Jolly was able to re book my flight out of Dallas instead of Houston with NO change fee and NO fare difference, fuck, she even tried to get me a portion of a refund because instead of flying from Houston to Chicago to Toronto I was flying from Dallas to Toronto but she sadly told me the ticket was $648, I said wait, you want me to pay you another $648?? She said no, this new ticket is $648 but I am going to waive the fare difference but what it means is I cannot give you a partial refund. OMG I almost laughed in her face. I told her I did not want or need a partial refund, I just wanted to get to Canada on Thursday without paying a bunch of extra money. She said I know but I wanted to do something for all the trouble you have been though!! Bless her heart.
I said something to Ms Jolly that I do not recall ever saying to anyone before in my life. I said Ma’am “God bless you” and thank you so much for taking care of this, you have made my day…! She does not have to know that when I said “God” I technically meant the flying spaghetti monster right? This can be our little secret okay?
So I am off to Canada on Thursday!!
Oh one more thing I crossed of another bucket list item last night and danced naked in the rain, I am not sure what was colder, my naked snow angel or my naked rain dance but it was fucking freezing and I squealed like a girl!! What?? You don’t know anything about my naked snow angel, Ah, well maybe one day I will tell you that story!!
Just so you know, everyone truly should dance naked in the rain at least once in their life, it was exhilarating!!