I had a hard time deciding what to call the title of this blog post, my initial idea was “Flood and famine, fucking boring!!” but I am not really in a famine so that did not count so I came up with “Hurricanes, Tornado’s and Floods Oh no!! BUT it is very important that you read or sing the title like the Wizard of Oz song “lions, tigers and bears oh no!”If you didn’t please go back and read it that way…Go on ——> I don’t mind waiting!!
See, sounds much better if you do it right doesn’t it??
If you have not already worked it out I live in Texas and honestly it seems like only in Texas can you be baking fucking hot one day then facing some of the worst flooding of the century the next and STILL be baking fucking hot… All you can do is just keep hoping like fuck that the power does not go out and you lose your air conditioning otherwise those mud puddles, wait… Mud lakes, in your back yard will become your savior for keeping cool!!
I am over 200 miles from Corpus Christi so did not have a lot of preparation to do for the hurricane, actually what little preparation I should have done I failed miserably at. I am serious, If I was being graded on hurricane preparation I would have gotten an F Minus!!
Most people started preparing early in the week. Hurricane Harvey was scheduled to hit sometime Friday night/Saturday morning so, in my usual Jad style, I went shopping at 4:30 pm Friday!!
I had no idea how to prepare but ended up with a short list of recommendations from friends and staff.
Buy water– nope all sold out.
Get a 5 day supply of non perishable food – well I tried but all the non perishable food is either nasty shit, unhealthy crap or all sold out. I left with one pouch of tuna and a bag of lettuce!!
Get candles – Ummm do pretty little scented candles count?
Fill up car with gas – Big fucking fail, Christ on a crumpet how the fuck did I forget to do that, I live in the middle of bumfuck and nowhere!!!
Oh well… I did manage to get beer so what the hell, I am pretty much covered for food and water right??!
Anyway I get home to my little cabin in the woods around 6 pm Friday and get ready to hunker down for a long boring arse weekend.
In the VERY early hours of Saturday morning ( 4 o fucking clock early) I hear a strange noise in my bathroom and go to investigate… What the fuck, it is raining in my bathroom. I am fucking serious RAINING in my bathroom.
Hopefully I am not too technically challenged and this video works… If it did work click here, if it did not work then imagine “raining in the fucking bathroom”
But the rain in the bathroom was the least of my problems, I am serious, it was nothing compared to the total and complete mind numbing, head fucking BOREDOM!!!
Being trapped alone in a cabin in the middle of bumfuck and nowhere with oh, I don’t know, TV, internet, radio, kindle you would think I would be able to find something to amuse myself but no, not me. I was just so fucking obsessed with the fact that I was trapped alone in my cabin in the middle of bumfuck and nowhere with nothing to do that I actually believed I had nothing to do and I am not shitting you Saturday was the longest day of my fucking life!!!
In all fairness I have to say that I did have a couple of distractions, firstly I had a pretty fucking awesome sexting experience with “Mon Capitaine” and it seems that I do not even need BoB after all!!
I also had my neighbor come over and while her husband diligently worked on stopping it from raining in my bathroom we shared a couple of cups of coffee before moving onto wine!!!
But… At the end of the day it was still the longest day in history, honestly, it rained ALL fucking day and THEN, it rained ALL fucking night and THEN I woke up Sunday morning to guess what… More fucking rain, where it proceeded to rain ALL fucking day and while I no longer have rain showers in my bathroom I do have a toilet full of piss and poop because fuck me dead if the rain has not filled up my septic tank and now my toilet won’t flush!!!
Let me also state for the record that Saturday night/ Sunday morning was the longest fucking night of my life. ALL fucking night long alerts kept going off on my phone, IN TANDEM (work and personal phone) nothing worse than being in a deep asleep and getting blasted awake by a fucking weather alert, flash flood warnings, tornado warnings, then tornado spotted in your area take cover immediately. What the fuck… I live in the “house of sticks” the smallest of the 3 little pigs could blow my fucking house down so I do not know where the fuck I am supposed to take cover. I gave up on that shit around 3 am and turned both my phones off.
After waking from a delicious dream about Mon Capitaine in early hours of the morning and participating in a little more sexting with “The Captain” I was in much brighter spirits and decided to go on a little adventure. I was a little scared about driving down my driveway because I thought I might slide into my pond but Mon Capitaine promised me I would not, so putting all my faith and trust in those words I braved the driveway on an expedition to get gas for my car and Chinese food for my soul… in hindsight I sincerely hope I do not regret the Chinese food since I do not currently have a working toilet!!
Anyway, my expedition was semi successful, my usual route is completely blocked by a tree and flooded road so I needed to make a 14 mile detour which I will also have to do tomorrow to get to work… On a positive note I did mange to shop… Ummm just an eency weency teeny bit, I know I know 8 fucking suitcases… But I just bought little things and no shoes I promise!!
Well that is all for today I am going to play with my new toys… Keep your fingers crossed for me because another couple of days of this rain and I am going to need a kayak to get to work!!!