The standoff!!

So I am sitting on the toilet this morning minding my own business and attempting to take care of business when all of a sudden this fucking great spider comes running into my bathroom at 100 miles an hour!!
Now, I want to say that it scared the shit out of me but unfortunately it had entirely the opposite effect and my arsehole closed tighter than a clam shell!!
I lifted my legs upย  off the ground so the spider could not climb up my legs which I am sure was its intention and then we both just stopped and looked at each other.

It was a stand off!! The great hairy spider menacingly looking at me with its gazillion eyes trying to device a plan to get me to put my feet on the floor so it can crawl up my legs and me sitting on the toilet with my arse firmly implanted on the seat, legs high up in the air wondering how the fuck am I going to get out of this one!!

We both sat like that for a good couple of minutes before the spider decided that it would need to use stealth and ran into my shower area and hid around the corner. (see photo)
spider2
Little did this bastard spider know that I was on to his game, I knew he changed his plan and was going to attack me from behind when I step into the shower!!
I gingerly climbed off the toilet, took a photo of this little menace and then left him too it!!
He can have my fucking shower… I decided the only sensible thing to do was to go to work without any of my usual morning ablutions, no morning poop, no fucking shower!!

Hopefully the little fucker will be gone when I get home from work otherwise we are going to be at a stand off again!

Changing the subject completely… I know, I know I can be a tiresome shit sometimes but I need to give y’all an update on BoB2 and I can’t be arsed to write an entire nother blog post so just accept that you are getting a “twofer” okay!!

So its Sunday and amazingly enough Amazon does fucking deliver on Sundays, who the fuck knew.? I get this box and I am so excited (in more ways than one) and I can’t wait to get home. Actually I got 2 packages but the top one (see picture) is BoB2
package
Now imagine my total and complete fucking disappointment when I open the box and see what is inside… (see picture) I know, I know, really, enough with the fucking pictures already!! I know photos is not my usual style but I promise you BoB2 and the spider are both posts that require visual aides… so anyway, just look at the fucking pictures alright, after all it took me ages to upload them from my phone to my laptop so the least you can do it just look at them and pretend for a minute you are interested ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks!!bob1Amazon fooled me, it went from that huge “vibrator sized” box to this!! What the fuck!! Who does that shit!! I bet when the Amazon dude packed this box up he snickered when he thought about how disappointed I was going to be in the size when I opened this up!!

It says gusto on it but how the fuck is this eency weency thing going to have any gusto!! Its not BoB2, it is baby bob or bob JR….Waaaaah! I want my BoB!!!

Just so you are clear on the size and also because I sometimes like to be annoying I decided to post one more picture for your pleasure.!..I can absolutely fucking assure you that this device was not for MY pleasure. After multiple teasing throughout the dayย  from Mon Capitaine and no other potential relief in sight I thought fuck it, I am going to have to use babybob despite his small stature… What a fucking mistake that was!! Gusto!! OMG I thought my eyeballs were going to rattle out of my head! A fucking electric whisk or cake beater would have been less traumatizing! I am pretty fucking sure my clitoris is bruised!!
bob2

Anyone want a slightly used babybob!!! He may be small of stature but he sure does live up to his name of Gusto!!

48 thoughts on “The standoff!!

  1. Love this article Jad! ! Are American spiders as bad as the Aussie fuckers?! I was scared for you! And I don’t think you took my previous advice ๐Ÿ˜„ A quality purchase of a properly designed powered device is worth it! Trust me, I have a bunch of crappy battery powered jokers that can’t be relied on. Give us an update on the spider situation!

    Liked by 2 people

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