I went shopping in Walmart yesterday…no fucking surprise that I went shopping, I know!! But here is the kicker, I spent $165..!! For real, who the fuck spends $165 in WALMART on random shit!!
I bought 3 fucking toothbrushes!! Yes “3”…I mean it is not like they don’t sell freaking toothbrushes in Australia!! So…Let me tell you how it happened!!
I went there for lipstick, my brand and color of lipstick is $7.45 in Walmart and freaking $27.95 in Australia…I mean, even with the currency exchange that is fucking highway robbery. It does not matter that I have already bought ummmm probably about 15 of my brand lipsticks in various shades my batshit crazy brain told me to go to Walmart and buy more lipstick… “Just in case”!!
So while browsing around in Walmart I spotted the travel section, ya know where they have the little sample size of everything. I happen to LOVE little sample size crap!! Here is how my brain works sometimes, let’s take toothpaste for example. I keep a large tube of toothpaste in my bathroom but I rarely if EVER use it!! See if someone else uses it they have touched their toothbrush to the top of the toothpaste tube and their toothbrush has been in their mouth and now if I touch my toothbrush to the top of the toothpaste tube my toothbrush has touched their toothbrush indirectly!! See!! Batshit fucking craziness right there!!
So because of this OCD madness I happen to love the little miniature individual style stuff that I can make MINE and only MINE!!
The travel section has these toothbrushes in a little zip-lock style case with a miniature tube of toothpaste AND most importantly a plastic cover for the toothbrush bristles.
When I noticed them I realized I had never seen them in Australia, to be honest I have never fucking looked and I am pretty sure they do have something similar but “just in case” I bought three of those suckers!! Along with little individual bottles of mouthwash, hand cream, hand sanitizer, moisturizer and a whole bunch of random individual sized crap that I am absofuckinglutely positive they sell in Australia!!
So my next Walmart splurge I am going to blame on one of my fellow bloggers “V” you know who you are 😛
She was talking about how expensive underwear is in Australia, I am an underwear connoisseur!! I am serious!! There is NOTHING better for feeling sexy than sexy arsed underwear!! Believe it or not Walmart has some freaking sexy underwear, and for cheap!!
So of course I bought
4 or 5, okay it was 6 new pair of undies!! It doesn’t matter that I probably own a pair of underwear for every day of the month and every month of the year and it doesn’t matter that I actually go commando often.. I needed those damned Walmart knickers!!
If I had to be honest with myself the ONLY purchase I made at Walmart that made any fucking sense was a perfume that I use, yep fucking Walmart perfume, it is cheap as shit, $14.95 for a huge bottle but fuck I love that stuff. I save my favorite expensive perfume like Estee Lauder “beautiful” for special occasions and I wear Prince Matchabelli’s “Wind song” for every day use. I mean, a freaking Prince made it so it has to be good right!!!
I did buy my last and final suitcase!! I promise, it really is my last, I cannot possibly put myself through the absolute fucking stress of buying another!! Oh yeah, that’s right, my last blog was so focused on incredible sex that I forgot to tell you about Max!!
Max was a royal FUCK!! I called the airline Sunday morning because I did not get a email receipt for the excess luggage suitcase I had purchased a couple of days prior and I decided I needed to purchase “just ONE more” Max answered the phone and when I told him I needed to buy another suitcase he informed me I had already bought 5, I corrected him and told him I bought 8, he told me that is not correct I can ONLY buy 5. We went back and forth for a bit before he admitted yes I bought 8 but I should not have been able to buy the extra 3 and he cannot guarantee they will accept my extra bags at the airport… What the FUCK!! it was about this time ALL rational thought left my brain and my head exploded!!!
Initially all that came out of my mouth was blah blah blah but when my brain and mouth finally connected and got back in Sync I started to ask Max, no demand, to speak to Max’s supervisor. Max kept insisting there was no need to speak to his supervisor but I assured him there absolutely WAS a need!! After 23 minutes of ridiculous hold music and intense stress Max finally came back on the phone and told me he could accept my payment for another suitcase… What the fuck!! No fucking way on this planet am I handing over ANY more money when you told me they might not accept the suitcases at the airport!!
Max tried to back peddle but that jerk could not ride a bike if his life depended on it!! He tried to tell me that he ONLY said they might not accept my cases because of weigh limitations… I can assure you my readers this is NOT what Max said and Mon Capitaine can verify it!!
Finally!! I spoke to Max’s supervisor and got it all sorted, there is weight limitations and if it is a really full plane my luggage might not ALL fly with me and they may have to put it on a different plane, honestly I don’t give a fuck if they sprinkle the freaking suitcases with fairy dust and they fly to Adelaide on their own as long as they fucking get there in one piece then we are all good!!
Had my farewell party last night, it was happy/sad. My rejection issues had me imagining that I would be sitting there most of the night on my own but tons of people turned up and we had to add more tables three times. It was a great night and I feel very lucky that all of these people were part of my life.
12 freaking suitcases, 4 more sleeps, 2 days of loving, wine with the neighbor and a batshit crazy blogger with OCD!! kinda sorta works if you sing it in the tune of the 12 days of Christmas!! Okay it doesn’t but I tried!