An open letter to “Mon Capitaine”

My Captain,

It has been a time of goodbyes, letting go of the relationships as they stand that I have built over the last 13 years and allowing them to morph into something different. For some it is goodbye, it is very unlikely I will ever see them again, for others it is see you later!!

I hope for us it is the latter.

As I was driving to Dallas I was thinking about all the people I have come to know and love during my time in the United States and I am truly grateful that each and every one of them came into my life.

My road trip to Chicago  was a brutal goodbye and seeyalater to my step family, some of them I will see again, this I know, some of them possibly not. It was a tearful exchange of hugs and words of love!

At my Bon Voyage party I said goodbye to my local friends and former staff members, for some, the goodbye were difficult, we had formed special bonds and it doesn’t make it easier knowing that it is “goodbye” and not “seeyalater” it is very unlikely I will ever see them again and our relationship will morph into something like Facebook stalkers!! At the end of the evening we exchanged hugs and words of love!

My neighbor and partner in “wine” came over this morning to see me off, again we exchanged hugs and words of love, another difficult “goodbye”!

Tomorrow morning I will say “seeyalater” to “Louise” and “Mr T”, I know I will see them again, at least I hope I will. It will be difficult and we will exchange tears, hugs, promises and words of love!!

It occurred to me that over the last year or so I have shared words of love many times…..Something that I have selfishly kept from you.

All of my close friends and step family know that I love them not just by my actions but also by my words!!

You my friend, have been selfishly denied my words!!

Sure we have both tangoed and tiptoed around it a few times!!
“I love being inside you”
“I love how you play with my hair”
“I love your sense of humor”
“I love spending time with you”
“I love your batshit craziness”
“I love waking up next to you in the morning”
I’ve got you under my skin!!

But the actual words have never been said!!

I know enough about myself to know why. I also suspect you probably know and understand why too….But I will still share here as best as I can.

Firstly I was pretty clear right from the beginning both in my blog, my dating profile and conversations was that the “L” word must never be spoken. What I did not understand at the time was just because you love someone that you are intimate with it does not mean you have to profess undying love happily ever after. You can love someone knowing it wont be “forever after”
Also I was scared that if either of us said the words it would commit us to something that neither of us wanted. We both know that after our histories neither of us are built for another “long haul” relationship…things may change for one of us in the future but for now I did not want to create a barrier to what we had.
Finally I thought if I said the words it would be harder to say “seeyalater” but honestly it doesn’t make lick of difference because even without saying the words my actions have already spoken. It is going to be hard regardless!!

So while I know my actions have shown the emotion,  sometimes you just need to say the words.

I love you Kirk!
I love the way you make me feel, I Love the father that you are to your children, I love your sense of humor, I love spending time with you, I love your sexy baldness, I love the good times we have had together, I love that you cared enough to get to know and understand the real me, but most of all I love you and the person you are and the amazing friend you will always be!!

I know some people might think it really crass that I do this via my blog instead of to your face but I know that you will understand why I did it this way. The blog has been a really special bond between us, honestly if not for our mutual sharing of blogs I do not think we would have met.

I wanted to do this in person but ya know it is a pretty emotional time for me already and I know I would just screw it up. I am still going to tell you “I love you” to your face but before I do I wanted you to read this and understand why I withheld it and “why now!!”

See you tomorrow!!

Jad

Smooches xoxo

27 thoughts on “An open letter to “Mon Capitaine”

  1. I’ve known this for quite some time. You asked me once why I haven’t blogged recently. I suppose it’s the little bit of MY OCD that keeps me from it. You see, I wrote my good bye blog to you last June. It says most of the same things. But, it has me bottle necked on blogging. Until I can post it, that draft sitting in my “in box” waiting to be posted, is an ever present, always constant reminder to give everything to receive everything, before you go. And I think we have both succeeded in leaving all of ourselves on the table with each other. “I love you” will be the last words I say to you at the airport, so that I may cry in peace while I’m making the hardest walk of my life…away from you…

    Now stop! Stop crying! Suck it up, cupcake! We have to get you on your plane and back to your kids so you can start a new chapter of your life in! A chapter in which I hope I’ve shown you how a man is supposed to treat and respect a woman, and give of himself. So that you can find that guy is Australia! And I can be your funny, bald American friend that comes to visit now and then…

    Au revoir, my Jad…

    Liked by 6 people

  2. OMG i teared up reading this. I cant stand the thought of you two finding each other, getting to know the raw inner beings you are and then saying “seeya later”. I say those goodbyes every 8 weeks but i know i get every other month with my soul mate. To not know when the next time he gets to play with my hair or laugh at my craziness or just give me a cuddle because i had a shit day would destroy me inside. I am already struggling being a fifo wife. We dont get too many chances at finding the one so i hope one day soon you two realise that you cant live without each other.
    On the upside i understand your reasoning and i will be here for you in your times of sadness when you miss the fuck out of him xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Hayley, I have learnt through this that you can have a special bond with someone knowing it is going to transform into something different. There is no possibility of there being a “cant live without each other” relationship. Kirk is committed to his children, in my soul I need to be with mine. We will take what we have and what we can get and both be better to have known each other. We will always be the greatest of friends. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Once in a lifetime… again! As told by Mon Capitaine!! | Sensuality, Sex & Something else

  4. Aw! Even though it may not seem like it now I’m sure that you guys will find a way to make it work… Stay positive! On another note, I completely forgot that you referred to him as “Mon capitaine”… I just started a draft called “captain’s log”, I feel like I might need to add a disclaimer now lol

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is so romantic. I wish you guys best to your next chapter in life. I totally agree, sometimes you meet people that open your eyes of how you should be treated. Good luck 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh gosh, this was so romantic, Jad. ❤ I feel like I am reading the ending to a book I really love but then I get to the end and it frustrates me because I don't get the cliche ending where the two main characters are finding a way to be better apart instead of finding a way to be happily ever after (even though I know it's not what either of you wanted!).
    I admire the relationship you two had and I'm mad because I read his comment that said he wants you to find a man in Australia, I want him to move to Australia with you!!! Lol, I will never get over the fairytale endings. 😦
    You are so strong and an amazing writer. I can feel all of your emotions!! It hurts!!

    Like

  7. Thanks for your comments Hunida, there is a fairytale ending, it just depends on perspective.
    We are both better people for having known each other, we have created some wonderful memories, we will have adventures to look forward to but it will just take time and planning, most importantly of all we will always have an amazing friendship!!
    I hope you had an opportunity to read my next blog post which was Mon Capitaine’s response to this.
    At the moment we are enjoying our last moments together before I get on a plane today and I am just soaking up every moment, every kiss, every caress, every word!

    Like

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