It has been a time of goodbyes, letting go of the relationships as they stand that I have built over the last 13 years and allowing them to morph into something different. For some it is goodbye, it is very unlikely I will ever see them again, for others it is see you later!!
I hope for us it is the latter.
As I was driving to Dallas I was thinking about all the people I have come to know and love during my time in the United States and I am truly grateful that each and every one of them came into my life.
My road trip to Chicago was a brutal goodbye and seeyalater to my step family, some of them I will see again, this I know, some of them possibly not. It was a tearful exchange of hugs and words of love!
At my Bon Voyage party I said goodbye to my local friends and former staff members, for some, the goodbye were difficult, we had formed special bonds and it doesn’t make it easier knowing that it is “goodbye” and not “seeyalater” it is very unlikely I will ever see them again and our relationship will morph into something like Facebook stalkers!! At the end of the evening we exchanged hugs and words of love!
My neighbor and partner in “wine” came over this morning to see me off, again we exchanged hugs and words of love, another difficult “goodbye”!
Tomorrow morning I will say “seeyalater” to “Louise” and “Mr T”, I know I will see them again, at least I hope I will. It will be difficult and we will exchange tears, hugs, promises and words of love!!
It occurred to me that over the last year or so I have shared words of love many times…..Something that I have selfishly kept from you.
All of my close friends and step family know that I love them not just by my actions but also by my words!!
You my friend, have been selfishly denied my words!!
Sure we have both tangoed and tiptoed around it a few times!!
“I love being inside you”
“I love how you play with my hair”
“I love your sense of humor”
“I love spending time with you”
“I love your batshit craziness”
“I love waking up next to you in the morning”
I’ve got you under my skin!!
But the actual words have never been said!!
I know enough about myself to know why. I also suspect you probably know and understand why too….But I will still share here as best as I can.
Firstly I was pretty clear right from the beginning both in my blog, my dating profile and conversations was that the “L” word must never be spoken. What I did not understand at the time was just because you love someone that you are intimate with it does not mean you have to profess undying love happily ever after. You can love someone knowing it wont be “forever after”
Also I was scared that if either of us said the words it would commit us to something that neither of us wanted. We both know that after our histories neither of us are built for another “long haul” relationship…things may change for one of us in the future but for now I did not want to create a barrier to what we had.
Finally I thought if I said the words it would be harder to say “seeyalater” but honestly it doesn’t make lick of difference because even without saying the words my actions have already spoken. It is going to be hard regardless!!
So while I know my actions have shown the emotion, sometimes you just need to say the words.
I love you Kirk!
I love the way you make me feel, I Love the father that you are to your children, I love your sense of humor, I love spending time with you, I love your sexy baldness, I love the good times we have had together, I love that you cared enough to get to know and understand the real me, but most of all I love you and the person you are and the amazing friend you will always be!!
I know some people might think it really crass that I do this via my blog instead of to your face but I know that you will understand why I did it this way. The blog has been a really special bond between us, honestly if not for our mutual sharing of blogs I do not think we would have met.
I wanted to do this in person but ya know it is a pretty emotional time for me already and I know I would just screw it up. I am still going to tell you “I love you” to your face but before I do I wanted you to read this and understand why I withheld it and “why now!!”
See you tomorrow!!