Stinky houses and other stuff!!

Hey Y’all… See, I am living down under now but I can still use y’all!! Anyway, hey y’all… I guess I should start by saying if you signed up to follow my blog because of the “sex stuff” then you may want to stop following me for a bit!! Come back in about ummm 3 – 6 months, or more and check if I am having sex again. Actually I am thinking of become celibate? Oh wait!! I was celibate for over 8 years and that sucked, fuck that shit!!! I am sure sometime in the future I will need a fuck buddy but not just yet… Right now I need time to regroup and sort my shit out, as much as my batshit crazy brain will let me sort my shit out.

Fuck, I sound like I am ranting hey? But this is not a rant, whew, Jad, relax, take a breath, slow down!! There thats better, lets try this again!!

So as y’all know I just moved back to Australia after living in America for 13 years, if ya don’t know this then you either don’t read my shit or you are new here, either case “hi” thanks for stopping by!! Anyway, here I am exactly one week since I landed and it feels like a fucking lifetime!!

Not only have I been battling the worse case of jetlag I have EVER had I have also had to contend with a whole bunch of other shit which I am about to tell ya’ll about… Once again a warning, if you here for sex there is none, nada, zilch!! There is a lot of fucking but none of it is the sexy fun fucking!!

So lets start first with me buying my first ever “brand spanking new” car!! Now you would think that buying a brand NEW car would be fun right!! Well let me tell you, when you are jetlagged and want to buy the car in a hurry!! it is NOT!
I had already done research when I was in the US and had pretty much decided I was going to buy a KIA Picanto, I love the KIA Soul but honestly did not want to spend that much on a car. Fuck I am already struggling with the cost of things in Australia without dropping another 10k on a freaking car, so anyway I love the Picanto, it is the next best thing to a Soul.

The day that I got off the plane after over 24 hours of travelling time I thought it would be a good idea to go test drive the Picanto, I really fucking did!! Who does that shit? Anyway, I took the car for a drive and fell in love with it, honestly I would have bought it right on the spot except my brain said “what the fuck?! don’t be such an idiot? You CANNOT buy the first and ONLY car you test drive”!

Now I would love to blame my inner bitch for that conversation but I cannot, it was my brains fault…and my brain and I are no longer friends!! You see I spent the next 3 days driving around in cars and battling pushy fucking salesman when really my heart and soul told me I wanted the Kia Picanto.

Now I hear ya’ll saying my brain was being smart test driving a load of other stinking cars but it wasn’t, it was dumb dumb dumb!! I have spent the better part of the last year travelling for business and pleasure and have rented a gazillion  maybe 20 compact cars and driven them all around America so I have test driven almost every model  a LOT of compact cars, it does not make a lick of difference between cars in the US and cars in Australia except where the steering wheel is located so I did not need to do all that shit!!

After 3 fucking torturous days I went back and bought the first freaking car I looked at!! Honestly, my hardest fucking choice on that first day should have been “what color do I want”?
I LOVE my new car, it is SO me!! Here is a picture for your viewing pleasure, I have named her Lolita, lolly for short!!20171215_123433.jpg

Moving on let’s talk about house hunting in the “rental market”, what a fucking FARCE this has been!!
In America realtors and landlords are falling all over you to get your business, some places even offer the first months rent free or no deposit, all kind of incentives to lure you in. You can also engage a realtor (for free) to spend a couple of hours with you taking you around to a whole range of homes to look at until you find that perfect one.

In Australia, well Adelaide anyway, I cannot speak for the rest of Australia, but in Adelaide it is a fucking “cut throat” market and freaking EXPENSIVE!! Honestly, why the fuckity fuck fuck would I want to pay 380 per week….YES per WEEK for a tiny little shit box that smells like dogs arse!!!

I have walked into more stinky smelly houses that I ever wanted to in my lifetime, I need to bleach the insides of my nostrils to purge all the stinky arse smells that seem to have lingered. Honestly, if you are trying to rent your house out at least invest in some fucking room freshener at $2 a can, I promise you might have more success!! Oh but wait!! They don’t give a fuck, because for every home available for rent there are 20 applicants fighting for the opportunity to live in that stinky arsed house!!! I feel like I am doomed to live in my Mums house forever!!! I may have to move into my adorable new car….Oh wait, I have 12 suitcases, I cannot even fit one of those suckers in my new car let alone twelve!!

I did put in applications 4 houses in the last 24 hours, I also put in an offer on one house for reduced rent because honestly what she was asking for was ridiculous, it was an adorable house but VERY small, the biggest benefit was that is was 3 houses down from my daughter and after living oceans away from her and my grandchildren I am SO ready for being that close however she has not responded and my feeling is she will not accept my offer and I am okay with that because I found the most absofuckinglutely perfect (two) houses, yes!! After looking at a gazillion maybe 20 stinky houses I found two houses just perfect for me. One is just slightly more favorable than the other but honestly I would be totally fucking tickeled with either of them. I submitted applications for them both but honestly it was hard not to get down on my knees and offer my first born if they would just let me move in right then and there!!!

I just want to get moved into my own space and start to do what I love best!! !! YES!! you guessed it…Shopping!!! OKAY OKAY SECOND BEST!! but sex is off the table now so I have to settle for shopping!!! I will have an entire house to fill with furniture, thingamebobs and knickknacks!! I just do not need clothes, shoes or purses..I have not seen a single house with enough closet space to hold my wardrobe of clothes so I am guessing I will be doing the Winter/summer storage thing!!

Well that is for now, I have another 8 houses to look at today…If you see on the news in Australia some batshit crazy person was arrested for beating on a realtor with a can of room freshener that would be me and that would mean it was another stinky arse house that assualted my nostrils!!

25 thoughts on “Stinky houses and other stuff!!

  1. Kia are major sponsors of my footy club. Was at the AGM last night. Good luck back in Australia. You have an interesting story regardless of sex. I will just assume we are all in the unsullied army.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. *snorts water out her nose!!* Oh Jad. You have no idea how glad I am you came into my peripheral life. (yes, I watch for you out of the corner of my eye) Batshit crazy enough to help me stay grounded and not end up in a padded room. I will be coming down under to see you or if you EVER get desperate enough to come back here……..There are SEVERAL of us needing to see you. Sending you giant Midwest hugs and smoochies and awaiting impatiently for the next chapter WITH PHOTOS!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Happy to hear you landed safely, Jad! That car is just too cute!!! I’m glad you bought what you fell in love with!
    House hunting seems very stressful but I hope you get what you’re looking for soon! Shopping for house stuff is ALMOST as fun as shopping for shoes & clothes LOL. ❤ Best of luck, Jad!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree that the car is cute and, importantly, brand new, which would be a first for me too. Do they cost more here than in the US? Glad you have found at least 2 houses that might suit you. The rental market here is pretty crappy plus there is a poor attitude to tenants and they get no respect from real estate agents. Prices where you are looking are very low compared with the inner areas, and in fact comparable to the Hills, or slightly lower. Best thing is to keep your fingers crossed on the 2 that you like and then you can nest 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • The cost of cars here is fairly in line with the cost of living differences, I paid probably around 4 – 6 thousand more in Australia than I might have paid in the US.
      I secured a house which I absolutely freaking love!!! Photos and details once I am settled.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hehehe it’s very competitive over here as not many house for rent.
    You’re a good candidate since you do not own pets or have kids.
    Next thing they need is a bond and proof of income or else you won’t get anywhere.

    Liked by 1 person

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