Fuck its hard!!… No no, not that, get your mind out of the gutter!! Though you can be excused for heading in that direction considering that a good percentage of this blog has been after all a “sex blog”…. I say “has been” because that is what I have turned into… A “has been”!!! Well that is not entirely true, I still rock my booty shorts and strut through the mall with flair and style in my high heels, booty shorts and long legs!!
I don’t really have long legs, I am a short arse at 5’2 but when I wear my booty shorts and heels I can make my legs look like they come all the way up to my arse!! Oh wait? That’s what legs do, never mind!! Well fuck!! You know what I mean!!
So getting back on track!! Fuck it’s hard!! I knew it was going to be hard, I knew that I would miss him, but I did not know it would feel like this!!
It is kind of weird really, the last few months felt like they were running in slow motion, I was so excited that finally I was soon going to be home, truth be told I should have fucking come home 5 or 6 years ago, I had not been happy in America for years and I was incredibly home sick for my kids but circumstances not open for discussion or writing about here meant I continued to stay in America well beyond the use by date!!
But here we were leading up to the last few months with y’all sharing my many adventures along the way and it was mostly slow motion until the last few weeks and then it was like someone flicked the fast forward switch and everything just happened so quickly it was like a whirlwind and I barely remember all the details of it except for this small dull pain that began in my heart every time I thought about the people I was leaving behind….And then it grew, and grew until I realized what has been left behind is a chasm of emptiness which I don’t know how to fill!!
I miss him… My Captain!! I miss his giggle, I miss his smile, I miss the feel of his bald head freshly shaven or the feel of 3 day growth.
I miss the taste of his kisses, and I achingly long to feel his fingers through my hair.
We text and talk every day, I hear his voice, I get to find out about his work and his adventures. We say good morning and goodnight… But I can no longer feel, taste, touch or smell him… I miss him, My Captain!!
As for sex? Honestly I am completely at a loss on what to do about that, we have plans to meet in Bali in June and while I would like to be altruistic and wait for “Mon Capitaine” I am not sure if I can.
If you remember I spent the first 50 years thinking chocolate was better than sex and only in the last 18 months discovered what a total crock of fucking shit that is!! Sex is absofrickinlutely amazing and I don’t think I can go back to being that person who did not care for sex and most certainly did not give a rats arse if they were not getting it!!
I do care for sex, I LOVE sex, and I do not think I can just have sex once or maybe twice a year if and when I am lucky enough to see “The Captain”
So what the fuck is a girl to do?! When I think about having sex with anyone BUT Mon Capitaine, it feels so wrong but when I think about not having sex until June my head wants to explode!!!
I thought maybe I could just find someone to just have sex with, no kissing or hugging, just some fucking, but to be honest with you I am pretty sure that would take me right back to where I was when I thought chocolate was better!! I need the substance to go with the sex!!
So then what? I am an open and honest person, if I decided to go on a dating website to find sex this is probably what my profile would look like!
Wanted, FWB, actually fuck the friendship just give me the benefits…must be available to fuck often, no emotionally attachment involved, I am in love with someone else. No Sleep overs permitted no matter what time of the morning or how far you have to drive!! Any takers?!!
Pretty sure I would attract totally the wrong sort of people with a profile like that!!
I have not had an orgasm since December 10th… 21 days!! I have no desires to mess around with Bob, sure I get horny, I find myself thinking of sex quite a bit, and longing for it, but always with “The Captain”….What a fucking pickle I have got myself into!!
What the fuck is a girl to do?!
I know “The Captain” is having similar struggles of his own!!
Here is the thing, both of us are adult enough and reasonable enough to accept that our relationship as it was has morphed into something different and while we still have these strong feelings for each other life does go on and sexual needs do come into play so neither of us has an expectation that we are going to be celibate until we see each other maybe once or twice a year.
I cannot say I will not feel something when “The Captain” has sex with someone again that isn’t me, I honestly do not know what I will feel. Maybe a longing that it is not me, maybe a little sad?! honestly, who the fuck knows, the only thing I do know is it won’t be jealousy or any of those damaging emotions… I will continue to love and respect Kirk regardless!! I am sure all of this is reciprocal!!
The problem is I don’t want to fuck anyone else… I want “My Captain!!”
So whats a girl to do?!!