I know I have said this before and every time I have said it I have meant it but I am saying it again… This is probably going to be the hardest blog post I have EVER had to write. In fact I am honestly questioning if I even want to write it but fuck it all, this blog is my lifeline, it is where I am able to sort through my batshit crazy brain and make sense of this emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical journey of growth and discovery that I have been on for the past 18 months. Without this blog I do not think I would have made anywhere near the progress and discoveries about myself that I have made along the way.
So here it is, my reality check in all of its ugliness!!
Why ugly? Well let me take you back in time, back when the dinosaurs were alive…Oh what, no not that fucking far!! Let’s just go back to my first marriage. To get the full effect of this post you may want to read the about section, I know fuck, I am so demanding but truly if you have never read it then you should and if you are like me and forget shit you might want to just give it a little read over once again!!
Anyway back to reality, my first hubby cheated on me, what did I feel? Strangely enough relief and hope!! Stupid I know but I was so fucking hopeful he may become obsessed with her and leave me hope was all I could feel. There was no jealousy, at least not on my part!! He was insanely jealous about everything to the point where he was off this fucking planet crazy!!
My second hubby cheated on me, what did I feel? Betrayed, not jealous as such, and it was nothing about the sex act, it was more that he was dishonest about it and lied to me on multiple occasions. His constant need to minimize the act by saying “it was only a blow job” made the betrayal seem even more significant. All the trust we had built up during our marriage was shattered with that one act of betrayal and was the beginning of the destruction of our marriage.
My first kinda sorta relationship from online dating cheated on me, what did I feel? Stupid and annoyed!! not jealous, just pissed of at myself for getting sucked into his lies and then more pissed for not listening to my instincts in the first place. You can read about that unsavory adventure here if you want to reminisce!!
So what has prompted this post, you may think it is about the cheating bald Casino dude “Shrek” and you can be forgiven for thinking that but it is not about “cheating” at all, it is about jealousy!!
After living with an insanely jealous man for over 20 years it is an emotion that I have never had time for. I have always seen it as a wasted useless emotion that has zero value and I never imagined in a million years that it was an emotion that I would ever have to deal with now I find myself in a rather unique type of situation and jealousy has reared it’s very ugly head and I am not liking myself very much at all!!
“The Captain” and I communicate daily, we text good morning and good nights, we share our days, thoughts, adventures, plans, and our dates with other people!! That is some weird arse shit right there!!
And it is that weird arse shit that has resulted in this nasty arsed green eyed monster to rear its ugly head!!
Mon Capitaine went on a date ” today” my time “Saturday night” his time.! It was a 3rd date and a follow up to a very successful date on Friday night which ended with some kissing, hair tugging, neck kisses and bald head rubbing! Sounding a little familiar? Yep My 2nd kinda sorta date with Shrek involved some kissing and bald head rubbing though I did not get to the point of hair tugging or neck kisses!!
So today was a 3rd date for “The Captain” and I woke up to a long text from him detailing what he was wearing, where they were going, what movie they were going to see….And I have spent the entire day with this awful pit in my stomach, every time I thought of My Captain on his date I felt this unfamiliar pang and I found I could not stop myself from constantly checking the time in the US and wondering what they were doing. I have gone through a plethora of emotions…Sadness, longing, acceptance, hopefulness, hopelessness, anger, bitterness, and an ugly, unbecoming feeling of jealousy!!
Certain that this was going to be a sex date for Mon Capitaine I was torn between hope and despair!!
I know, it makes no fucking sense!!
Hope – I can be altruistic and say that I was hoping “The Captain” gets laid for HIS sake but that would be a bold faced fucking lie!! I was hoping he gets laid because then I would not feel so guilty about seeking my own sexual satisfaction because lets face it!! 30 something fucking days without sex I am horny as fuck but I am still fighting this inner guilt every time I talk to someone on dating sights and talk about setting up dates. I have 17 conversations going right now and have yet to keep a date with any of them. I have set up several and then have cancelled them so I think there is this part of me that thinks if Mon Capitaine gets laid first it will open up the way for me!!
Despair- I feel like I am going through some kind of grieving process, the reality is “The Captain” is no longer “My Captain” and it hurts…it hurts like FUCK!! I don’t want him to be intimate and loving and generous with anyone else!! I want his kisses on MY lips and MY neck, I want his hands gently tugging on MY hair, and I want MY hands to be running over his head feeling that lovely sexy baldness….!!!
Jealousy!! Such a useless wasted emotion, what do I do with it, how do I process it, I feel so naive and immature in trying to get a handle on it. Honestly, I am at a loss on what to do now, what action can I take? There seems to be nothing, Maybe I just need to let it ride and try not to beat myself up too much but I am honestly ashamed of feeling this way.
I feel what I feel and should accept the feelings? But how does someone accept feeling an emotion they have always had such an abhorrence for?
Okay I am done boring the shit out of y’all with my raving madness, venting and ranting…’There is just one thing left to say!!
In what I consider a cruel twist of fate and probably the suck arsed universes ultimate joke on me… The name of the person “The Captain” is dating bears my former middle name, a name which I have always absolutely hated and finally cast aside when I legally changed my name!! Now that’s just fucked up!!