Reality check!!

I know I have said this before and every time I have said it I have meant it but I am saying it again… This is probably going to be the hardest blog post I have EVER had to write. In fact I am honestly questioning if I even want to write it but fuck it all, this blog is my lifeline, it is where I am able to sort through my batshit crazy brain and make sense of this emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical journey of growth and discovery that I have been on for the past 18 months. Without this blog I do not think I would have made anywhere near the progress and discoveries about myself that I have made along the way.

So here it is, my reality check in all of its ugliness!!

Why ugly? Well let me take you back in time, back when the dinosaurs were alive…Oh what, no not that fucking far!! Let’s just go back to my first marriage. To get the full effect of this post you may want to read the about  section, I know fuck, I am so demanding but truly if you  have never read it then you should and if you are like me and forget shit you might want to just give it a little read over once again!!

Anyway back to reality, my first hubby cheated on me, what did I feel? Strangely enough relief and hope!! Stupid I know but I was so fucking hopeful he may become obsessed with her and leave me hope was all I could feel. There was no jealousy, at least not on my part!! He was insanely jealous about everything to the point where he was off this fucking planet crazy!!

My second hubby cheated on me, what did I feel? Betrayed, not jealous as such, and it was nothing about the sex act, it was more that he was dishonest about it and lied to me on multiple occasions. His constant need to minimize the act by saying “it was only a blow job” made the betrayal seem even more significant. All the trust we had built up during our marriage was shattered with that one act of betrayal and was the beginning of the destruction of our marriage.

My first kinda sorta relationship from online dating cheated on me, what did I feel? Stupid and annoyed!! not jealous, just pissed of at myself for getting sucked into his lies and then more pissed for not listening to my instincts in the first place. You can read about that unsavory adventure here if you want to reminisce!!

So what has prompted this post, you may think it is about the cheating bald Casino dude “Shrek” and you can be forgiven for thinking that but it is not about “cheating” at all, it is about jealousy!!

After living with an insanely jealous man for over 20 years it is an emotion that I have never had time for. I have always seen it as a wasted useless emotion that has zero value and I never imagined in a million years that it was an emotion that I would ever have to deal with now I find myself in a rather unique type of situation and jealousy has reared it’s very ugly head and I am not liking myself very much at all!!

“The Captain” and I communicate daily, we text good morning and good nights, we share our days, thoughts, adventures, plans, and our dates with other people!! That is some weird arse shit right there!!

And it is that weird arse shit that has resulted in this nasty arsed green eyed monster to rear its ugly head!!

Mon Capitaine went on a date ” today” my time “Saturday night” his time.! It was a 3rd date and a follow up to a very successful date on Friday night which ended with some kissing, hair tugging, neck kisses and bald head rubbing! Sounding a little familiar? Yep My 2nd kinda sorta date with Shrek involved some kissing and bald head rubbing though I did not get to the point of hair tugging or neck kisses!!

So today was a 3rd date for “The Captain” and I woke up to a long text from him detailing what he was wearing, where they were going, what movie they were going to see….And I have spent the entire day with this awful pit in my stomach, every time I thought of My Captain on his date I felt this unfamiliar pang and I found I could not stop myself from constantly checking the time in the US and wondering what they were doing. I have gone through a plethora of emotions…Sadness, longing, acceptance, hopefulness, hopelessness, anger, bitterness,  and an ugly, unbecoming feeling of jealousy!!

Certain that this was going to be a sex date for Mon Capitaine I was torn between hope and despair!!
I know, it makes no fucking sense!!
Hope – I can be altruistic and say that I was hoping “The Captain” gets laid for HIS sake but that would be a bold faced fucking lie!! I was hoping he gets laid because then I would not feel so guilty about seeking my own sexual satisfaction because lets face it!! 30 something fucking days without sex I am horny as fuck but I am still fighting this inner guilt every time I talk to someone on dating sights and talk about setting up dates. I have 17 conversations going right now and have yet to keep a date with any of them. I have set up several and then have cancelled them so I think there is this part of me that thinks if Mon Capitaine gets laid first it will open up the way for me!!
Despair- I feel like I am going through some kind of grieving process, the reality is “The Captain” is no longer “My Captain” and it hurts…it hurts like FUCK!! I don’t want him to be intimate and loving and generous with anyone else!! I want his kisses on MY lips and MY neck, I want his hands gently tugging on MY hair, and I want MY hands to be running over his head feeling that lovely sexy baldness….!!!

Jealousy!! Such a useless wasted emotion, what do I do with it, how do I process it, I feel so naive and immature in trying to get a handle on it. Honestly, I am at a loss on what to do now, what action can I take? There seems to be nothing, Maybe I just need to let it ride and try not to beat myself up too much but I am honestly ashamed of feeling this way.
I feel what I feel and  should accept the feelings? But how does someone accept feeling an emotion they have always had such an abhorrence for?

Okay I am done boring the shit out of y’all with my raving madness, venting and ranting…’There is just one thing left to say!!

In what I consider a cruel twist of fate and probably the suck arsed universes ultimate joke on me… The name of the person “The Captain” is dating bears my former middle name, a name which I have always absolutely hated and finally cast aside when I legally changed my name!! Now that’s just fucked up!!

53 thoughts on “Reality check!!

    • I actually think for two people to be “in love” and end up in this situation we are in then it would be abnormal for there not to be jealousy but my past history with an emotion that can be incredibly destructive just makes this situation harder for me to cope with.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hear ya’. But, you have to cut yourself some slack. If it helps, talk to the Captain about it, honestly. Just get it out there. I promise he’s feeling the same way…whether he’d admit it or not. Are the two of you planning a future, by the way? I’m not sure I’ve read what You hope for thee.

        Liked by 3 people

      • The Captain and I have spoken, he is having very similar struggles as me so we are able to share those challenges. We always knew when we went into this relationship that it was temporary, I was not planning on falling in love with him and vice versa but it happened and it made our time together even more wonderful. We will always have a future together but as wonderful lifelong friends, our love has transformed into something that goes beyond our “semi quasi” relationship. We are both realists, we now live 10,000 miles apart so all we can be is friends with the occasional visits if we are lucky

        Liked by 2 people

  1. OK, it’s perfectly normal to feel ‘jealous’, and it’s not an emotion you can control. But you can talk about it, and write about it, and process it, both by yourself, and with him. One of the best books I’ve ever read about non-monogamy and jealousy etc is ‘The Ethical Slut’- have you read it? If not, hunt it down now, or order it online! So helpful, so natural, so full of good advice and loving kindness; I’m sure it will help this situation. It’s Ok to feel how you feel Jad; there’s a lesson in it for you, and for the Captain too xOO G

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I have a question, are you jealous or territorial?
    Having been through similar experiences it occurred to me that I wasn’t jealous, I was territorial of that which I believed to be mine. Ignorance, elitist, maybe. But sometimes it’s easy to mistake the two.

    If it’s jealousy, then you can either learn from it and grow stronger i.e. replace him with a better model.

    If it’s territorial, then, in this case there’s actually nothing you can do due to distance. Leading back growth and replacing him.

    Either way, it is painful. And that is something I do not wish upon anyone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t think it’s about replacing the captain with a better model at all! It’s about realising the shortcomings in a relationship caused by circumstances (eg long distance) and finding a way to live with that. The solutions may be unique, but jealousy and insecurity are as old as humankind and those feelings are totally natural. But we still need to manage them 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

      • oooh….I hate it when I agree with people but my ignorance won’t allow me to abandon my views. Nevertheless, I do agree with you on that. More importantly, I would have to say that jealousy being totally natural is crucial to this situation, in that Jad will overcome this.

        Damn, Cougar, you’re a smartass. (Smiles sincerely for the first time ever)

        Liked by 3 people

      • I am going to agree to disagree with y’all, I do not think jealousy is natural or normal. My feelings are have always been that most emotions have a purpose. Jealousy and guilt have no purpose, they are just destructive is so many ways. Feeling the emotion myself does not change my beliefs on it.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Is there a difference and how do you tell the difference and at the end of the day does it matter?
      “The Captain” love for me is pure in that he chose to put my happiness before his, I don’t think I am that altruistic and I have these emotions which make me feel less than I am!! Not sure what I hate more, the jealousy or how I feel about myself for feeling jealous.
      I am not in a hurry to replace “The Captain” my heart was not supposed to get involved in the first place. I think I am going to be a lot more guarded from now on and also make sure I stick to rule number 4 (no sleep overs)

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Jad you know it’s all normal stuff so what can I say? You are your own best counsellor, you know your heart and mind, and you know it’s natural – but difficult. Jealousy is not necessarily a wasted emotion – it also tells us about our insecurities and weaknesses. There has been a lot written about jealousy from a polyamory perspective (all sorts of intellectual thought wrangling) and I suggest that some of it might be useful. I suggest you start here https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html
    I agree with son above, talk to your captain, share your hurts and work through it together. You are hugely lucky to have found each other and you can find a way forward, I’m sure of it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I have talked to The Captain briefly, he is aware somewhat of how I am feeling, the rest he will get most likely from reading my blog.
      I get that a lot of people are saying Jealousy is a normal reaction but I do not think it is. My feeling is and has always been that it is an unhealthy emotion and I am truly surprise but also pissed at myself for feeling this way!! I thought I was bigger and better than that

      Liked by 1 person

      • I had a brief look at that page and in all honesty I do not think the articles are relevant.
        I am totally confident the issues are not with my self esteem or self worth. I understand that this is the basis of most jealousy but I am very confident this has nothing to do with my self worth. I think “The Captain” and I are in a fairly unique situation.
        This is not a poly amorous relationship, Mon Capitaine and I have transcended beyond a physical relationship, sure we plan to meet in Bali but the reality is one or both of us may be in a relationship by then and we may be meeting in Bali as just great friends.
        Perhaps Kal is onto something, maybe this feeling is more territorial rather than jealousy. I need to digest that for a bit!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s hard. Sorry to hear Jad. I think it’s best he doesn’t tell you how it went or what he did. That way the memories can be of happier times. Some things are best kept inside .
    Part of me is selfish and hope the sex is crap so that he remembers how special you are.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Omg…that sounds torturous! I definitely wouldn’t have been able to handle a situation like this… it brings to mind a song by Carly Simon… “we have no secrets we tell each other everything… sometimes I wish I never knew some of those secrets of yours.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • It certainly is a challenging and unique situation Keda, one that I never imagined I would be living. But I am and I am here and I have to find a way to reconcile it in my batshit crazy brain!!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. My Jad…i will always be your captain. And, while I believe jealousy to be a useless, destructive emotion, that I have suffered of in the past, I know that we can’t control when it attacks us, for the most part. We each feel what we feel when we feel it. And I knew when you left, we would see it again, and we wouldn’t like it.

    For me to say that I’ve not experienced those negative emotions in all of this, reading and hearing about your adventures, I would be lying. But I manage them with the love we share for each other. I know that, no matter who you date, kiss or sleep with, that they will always be compared against the benchmark of relationship that I’ve set with you. They will have a lot to measure up to just for the pleasure of being with you:

    I never lied to you. Not once.
    I always gave all of my thoughts to you when you asked my OPINION or advice.
    I was open with my emotions, hopes, dreams, and concerns.
    Emotional availability.
    I was accepting of your quirks, because you were accepting of mine.
    I GAVE you every bit of me, because THAT is how you love unconditionally.

    That’s, how it’s supposed to be, hon. I did that, knowing you would be going home, and heading out on your own again, searching for an acceptable version of me to allow in your bed to put hands and lips on the body and sould i cherished every second of every day we spent together. And i know that lucky bastard, whomever he may be, will always fall short of the mark. But, nonetheless, it will be his tongue and fingers and cock in you…not mine.

    Here, in my world, where I’m alone by myself, I know I won’t find you. There’s nobody like you for me. I think the best I can do, is find someone to stave off my oppressive loneliness for you, and give me an outlet for my physical needs. And, if I’m lucky, maybe not ache so much. But there’s no chance of love here, for any female I may share any type of interaction with, because my heart lives in Australia now….

    So get your shit together! Don’t let that inner bitch fuck with your head!

    EVERY neck I kiss, strand of hair I pull, nipple I twist or bite, will be attached to the faceless body of the person that I choose to be you as my eyes are closed, missing you…

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I read this and thought “I am so happy to be single”. It has been my experience that nothing else can mind fuck you quite like matters of the heart. Sorry you are experiencing this. It shall pass. Spend time with family and friends and focus on something that will make you happy. Everything else will fall into place.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Chrissie, My family and friends are a blessing in this, they are what I came home for. I am hosting my granddaughters birthday party next weekend and that in itself is a joyous and wonderful thing!! The distractions certainly help.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Jad, The Ethical Slut was also what I first thought when you described your jealousy. Bravo for Bone&Silver for mentioning it!!! 👏 One of my mental techniques I would use when my partners were away (or I was) and they were out on “fuck dates” was imagining the hot, steamy, raunchy sex they’d be experiencing and just how intensely she would enjoy it; a huge turn-on for me. This may not work for you & Captain due to the immense distance, but my partners and I would do our BEST to share each other’s encounters apart by either having our phone on/connected and the other at least listening. Or if possible, videoing the nastiness then sending it later or putting it on Google Drive privately. Or describing everything that happened in so much detail that it was like almost being there. 😁

    If there are some jealousy issues between lovers/partners, over time this coping-trick truly does take you into a state of “Compersion” for each other. And what Robert Frost says is absolutely true:

    The best way out is always through.

    Keep working through your emotional turmoil Jad, you’re fine. And most definitely keep talking through it AND get the book!!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not sure that sharing the act either by sound or video is very appealing to me, I cannot speak for The Captain! We will I am sure share details, we have so far and I do hope that continues. I am confident I will work though this and manage to still be a fun loving, slightly quirky, batshit crazy self confessed nympho at the end of it. Just another difficult path that I have chosen to navigate through!

      Liked by 1 person

      • When we have to basically reprogram what we’ve been taught and grew up around, socially and in family, almost literally REwire our brains and emotional hormones Jad, that isn’t easy for anyone! Not at first!

        I think with your courageous attitude and great sense of humor, you are going to be just fine! Promise. 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  9. This is understandable, Jad. It’s new for you because it sounds like this is the first time you’ve truly been in love and in a healthy relationship.

    I am so sorry to hear about being molested at 8 and 13 – the is beyond horrific. And I’m sorry to hear about your troubled marriages.

    Jealousy is uncomfortable but it is normal. Of course it makes sense that you’d long to be the person The Captain is spending time with. Hopefully the feelings will ease over time.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and your care!! I feel the love the comes from many of my readers and it truly is something I cherish and appreciate.
    The Captain and I had a follow up long talk around 3 am my time, nothing resolved because really there is nothing to resolve, it is just a matter of finding a comfortable place for me with these feelings.
    The Captain in his ultimate wisdom was able to gently probe until he got down to what my worst fear was and then we discussed that some, I feel reassured and while I still ache deeply for My Captain I know we are going to be okay!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes you two are! If you both just keep that raw (non-judging) articulation going between you, proactive communication with listening quietly from both sides… yes you two WILL be wiser, stronger, and much more alive in the end!!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I read one of your comment responses that said guilt and jealousy have no purpose and are just self-destructive…you really opened my eyes. Thank you for that…I hate both of those feelings and hope to train myself to not feel those emotions anymore.

    As for you and The Captain…I can’t believe you want to hear what he is wearing and stuff..that would be make turn all the way green. I’d want to know if he was dating someone but not sure id even want to know her name…and I was def not want to hear about the hair tugging. I’d prob book a flight to see him right away with how jealous I get lol.
    I have no advice, really, but maybe if he was less detailed, you’d get less jealous? Like maybe the fact he remembers so much about her is what bothers you. And maybe that she has your hated middle name lol.
    Anyways, stay strong, Jad. You’ll find another healthy relationship soon. 💗

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know Hunida it is like wanting to know something but not wanting to know something, like watching a scary movie where you want to know what is happening but too scared to watch.
      I want to hear about his dates, I actually think the not knowing would be worse because that gives the opportunity for my imagination to run wild

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I think this thread has some great suggestions and I agree with Dewy that not knowing the details or not discussing it may be the way to save your sanity. Please also remember that polyamorous relationships are usually love relationships too, or close intimate relationships at least, and so The Ethical Slut and More Than Two resources are completely relevant whether you identify as monogamous or other.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Captain knows me well and knows the “not knowing” for me is worse than the “knowing” it is just my personality type.
      I checked the book it is $20 and I know myself well enough to know it is very unlikely I will read it.
      I am going to work through this the same way I have worked through everything from day one. It has done me well so far. I truly appreciate everyone’s wonderful advice and suggestions

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Makes sense to me. Honesty is so simple that mostly only a good woman has the balls for it. Now I have no fucking idea what I am on about but I think it’s pretty good. 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Jealousy!! Such a useless wasted emotion, what do I do with it, how do I process it. <—move back. We all miss you. Ok, I know that's not possible.

    I,too, have known jealousy. When some women would hug my Nick it wouldn't bother me. Other's? I saw green for days. I didn't ever like it either because I knew I could trust Nick in that department.

    But oh how I wish I had those options still. I miss him so.

    But I have to move on. I'm settling in to no dating sites and just letting happen what may happen. It's been almost 18 months now. One day my new one will come to me. Right?

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Ok, I’ll comment again. After having gone through this with a cheating Whore of wife over 14 years ago, I can tell you that for me, not knowing is the worst. It’s the not knowing that gets the creative centers of your brain going. And believe me, the brain can conjure up some fucked up shit that attacks you personally, when you are the undeserving. It attacks you ego, self esteem, ability to cope, ability to reason and think logically, and your ability to process. Jealousy, and not knowing, will take a reasonably well adjust and stable person, and turn them into a crazed, wild eyed conspiracy theorist, and potential domestic terrorist in under .0089461 seconds.

    If you know what’s going on, then you have knowledge. And knowledge is power. You can reason and comprehend and process. It doesn’t make you hurt any less. But at least you have a chance to work through it.

    A cheater is the same as a liar to me. And I can’t think of anything worse than a liar, except a lying hypocrite. And I don’t plan on being either with you, Jad. We’re both going to suffer in this. We know it. And it’s circumstances we can’t change unless we practice abstinence. And that, I think, would be more harmful, causing resent and hatred, than the paths we are currently on. We won’t let it destroy our relationship, my dear, cherished friend. I love you too much to let that happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know, and I am working through it. I am wresting this green eyed monster and you are so right, I need the knowing!!
      But dang it all go get it over with already!! 😛

      Like

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