I am writing this at 4:17 pm on Tuesday January 16th 2017 (Aussie time)
33 minutes after feeling like my whole world collapsed violently inwards.

Disclaimer: Some details here are very specific and I know I have picked up some readers who may find some of my content a little crude at times!! I understand if you want to pass on reading this very LONG sometimes crude post…Honestly it is like war and fucking peace!

I am almost certain this may be a day or two before I post it, I need that for myself and I also need to give “The Captain” some space too.
Having said that I feel the need to write while I am feeling it so deeply because honestly I do not know what the fuck else to do with myself.

So here is our text exchange which took place beginning early Monday after noon for  Mon Capitaine, Tuesday morning for me with the final text from The Captain at around 11:20 pm his time – I have edited slightly and abbreviated but you will get the gist!!

MC – God, my balls ache
J – I know that feeling, how long since you had relief?
J – What are you up to now?
MC – Well… I just got asked to come watch a movie with the teacher.
J – Go for it, maybe your balls will get relief, 6 dates, 6 days in a row, something has got to happen soon.
MC – Yeah or end up aching more – 5 days
J – Then take care of it when you get home, wouldn’t today be your 6th date
MC– I may have to, today is date 5
J – Pretty sure dinner last night was your 5th date, but you should know, haha
MC – Thursday was the first, today is Monday 5 days imperial, I guess maybe 6 days metric…lol rofl
J – Let’s count dates instead of days. First date was dinner
MC – Yes last Thursday
J – Second date was the party
MC – Then the movies
J – 3rd date the movies and the dinner
MC – Then dinner at her place
J – Fourth date was dinner at her house
MC – And movie tonight, 5 dates
J – yep your right, 5th date
MC – Lol
J – But didn’t you see her in town for lunch, that kind of counts as a date
MC – Your right. I’m sorry! What was I thinking!
J – So 6th date
MC – No it doesn’t count. It was pre romantic possibilities
J – Hahaha!! Well fuck, that means I have not had a date yet since I’ve been back in Australia, only pre romantic possibilities!
J – I have a pre romantic possibility tonight
MC – Sweet
J – He is not bald
MC – We should assign numbers to the bald guys so I can keep them straight.
MC – Cool – hair guy, that’s his name now.
J – go to the movies and get your balls and head rubbed
MC – Okay, you get your hair pulled, your pussy licked and ride some poor bastard into the dirt.
J – Not going to happen
MC – God I love you and miss you like crazy! Have a great night!
J – I am not doing anything until at least the 4th date.
J – Love love and miss you like crazy too, seriously Kirk I’m considering if 2 or 3 thousand is too much to pay for a booty call!
MC – Don’t be a prude…you wanted to fuck my brains out the very first night. Don’t miss an opportunity hon!
J – I don’t want a string of one night stands again Kirk, I really cannot do that to myself. That almost destroyed the self esteem I had worked so hard to build.
MC – Don’t spend it hon…We’ll get through this!
MC – Ok… here’s the plan…
MC– You don’t sleep with him! You hold out all night long! You set up the second date and leave! 15 minutes later you call and invite him over, 2nd date ensured.
J– How about this plan, Go to the movies and do what you can do to put your teacher girl at ease so you can screw her brains out. The torture is killing me, I need to get it over with! I am certain that once you have done it I can stop obsessing!!
J – FUCK!! what a crazy situation!! Honestly the only thing that has stopped me from jumping on a plane and flying back is that I don’t want to miss out on a job opportunity.
MC – Ok, come hell or highwater I am fucking something tonight, either the teacher or a sheep I shall name Jasmine!! But your dick is getting wet tonight!! Because MY pussy is aching and needs attention and I love my pussy and want it cared for in my absence…
J– Awww fuck I love the shit out of you!!
MC – I know…and I love the shit out of you too…
J – I know
J – Go get laid
MC – Wear your fuck me boots on your date and no panties, dammit! Give my pussy some air, she needs to breathe!!
J – Okay I will
MC – And I already know these messages will be going in your blog, so yes, you have my permission.
J – Awww thanks
J – Let me know if you get lucky no matter what time it is
MC – Ok…If I send teacher its her, if I send wool, well then Jasmine is one lucky fucking creature
J – hahahahahaha
MC – wait!!
J – For?
MC – Do handjobs or blowjobs count as sex? Or if I get to suck titties or eat pussy? We need boundaries for proper reporting. Jasmine will have like 14 titties!!
J – Fuck I almost choked on my coffee!! If you suck titties and eat pussy you are fucking too!! No way she’s not going to want that delicious cock inside of her.
MC – great!! Got it!
MC – I am just hoping I am not flossing with wool later tonight
J – I want details, even how many times Jasmine bleats
MC – Ok! I actually have a bleat counter, lemme dig that fucker out!
J – LMFAOOOOOOO, you crack me up! Only you can take me from ugly crying to hysterically laughing in 3 . 5 seconds
MC – That’s because you have my happy heart in your chest, hon…I’ll always be there make you laugh! And my voice is in your head! When things go sideways, all you have to do is ask yourself what would my captain say to me? And some cheesy funny thing will pop in there…That will be me watching out for you…
J – My Captain, I am glad you will always be My Captain no matter what, now go —->

I then spent many hours with a huge lead ball in the pit of my stomach, I was with my grandkiddies and my daughter which helped as a distraction but I was still carrying around this huge weight and then….

My entire world imploded!!
Definition of imploded – collapsed violently inwards.

MC – I’ve made one lady very happy tonight, and I am making another one very sad. I had sex with her. And I cried all the way home. And I am going to sleep now. I don’t feel like having a dialogue or conversation. I just want to curl up and sleep. I love you. I miss you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Sad is an understatement to how I am feeling right now. It felt like all the air was just sucked out of my body at once. Reading that text was like being punched really hard in the stomach and not being able to catch my breath.
I feel ridiculously stupid for feeling this way, I mean fuck!! I have been encouraging him and preparing myself for this but I can honestly say I have never in all my life felt so raw and vulnerable as I feel right now. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to manage to this. I feel totally and completely lost!

Words that are usually my friend cannot even begin to adequately explain how I feel. FUCK!! I am not even sure if I know how I feel or even if I can make sense of it all!!

I am going to take a break from this post, pull my shit together, wash my face, put some makeup on and go on my date…. And try not to feel angry and pissed that My Captain is peacefully sleeping while my heart feels like it has shattered into a million pieces…Try not to feel angry and pissed at the Universe for putting us in this fucked up situation and most of all try not to feel angry and pissed at myself for not handling this better when we both knew it was coming!!

Take two – I went on my very unsatisfactory date, then went to pay a quick visit to friends who were concerned about me and I am back home but not really feeling any better.

I feel like I was sucker punched twice! I knew The Captain having sex with someone else was going to hurt however the actual intensity of the pain was completely unexpected!! BUT!! The double whammy was that for the first time EVER in our relationship “The Captain” put his needs before my own. He knew of my struggles and knew of my need to talk this through with him…But when it came down to it, his own struggles and own needs took precedence. His text message made it perfectly clear what his needs were…And that was that!
Our needs were incongruous, I needed to talk about it with him and he needed alone time and solace!!

So here I am about 6 hours later…Despite a crappy date and visit with friends I have had some time to think about it and digest it and I am still in the same situation!!!
I am angry and I am pissed, at the Universe, at The Captain but mostly at myself!!

In fact I am fucking furious at myself, what fucking right do I have to be mad with The Captain because he needs to deal with it in his own way. How fucking selfish is that of me? I mean really that is some fucked up shit!!

And despite the fact that I have always said I will never ever regret meeting and falling love with Mon Capitaine no matter how painful it gets I have this song constantly going on in my head and I am SO fucking pissed at ME for even remotely thinking it! And I have to wonder what sort of person I have become.

Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
So here I am at the end of the day (literally) I am not liking myself very much right now.
Almost 2 years I have been on this journey and this is where I end up….No longer a slightly quirky, fun loving, batshit crazy self confessed nymphomaniac…
My new rank!!
Totally fucking selfish, self indulgent, pitifully jealous green eyed monster!!
I am angry and ashamed!!
I am not liking myself very much at all!!

36 thoughts on “Implosion!!

  1. You didn’t tell them of our talk later on…the one where you love me all over again and I made you laugh and we schedule “hut” sex on a tropical island…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard. And I know this may suck to hear, but I’m really glad that you guys are able to talk openly and honestly about what is going on in your lives while you’re apart. It’s good that you can have dialog like this. I know, I feel your pain, long distance sucks! I still feel/hope that things will work out for you guys for the best eventually… Things are just gonna suck a bit in the mean time

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Also you must remember you’ve gone through a HUGE life upheaval…add to that your *cough* complicated love life…no wonder you feel lost. It will take some time for the dust to settle and you need to be gentle on yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 😭😭😭 Why am I mad at the Captain!? I am sooo mad at him.
    I was laughing about Jasmine but that smile quickly faded. Ugh. You are such a strong woman…I hope you can find a satisfying date soon, Jad. You deserve it. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Pre romantic possibilities!! | Sensuality, Sex & Something else

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