Once again I had to think long and hard if I wanted to post this, I mean fuck this is a very intimate and personal text exchange between Mon Capitaine and myself over a very personal situation which is causing us both pain.
After a lot of consideration I have decided to post an edited version, I am sorry you do not get the full kit and caboodle and I hope you understand… I am saving the full version of our conversation in an email to myself because who the fuck knows, one day I might need this data for the movie scrip… I mean for real, this love story is so fucked up it needs to be a movie.
MC – Good morning! You still up?
J – Yes
MC – Yay! How are you?
J – You want honest?
MC – Of course
J – Angry, mostly at me but a little at you, actually I am fucking furious at me.
MC – Ah. I understand
J – I don’t think you do
MC – I feel kind of the same way
J– Kirk, for the first time ever in our relationship you put your needs first. I’m not talking about the sex.
MC – Well then Jad, I think I understand
J – I am talking about your need to not talk about it and your need to go to sleep. And I’m really really really angry at myself for feeling that way because your needs are just as important as my needs. I feel incredibly selfish and I’m not liking myself at all!!
MC – Well…I don’t know what to say this time. I needed the time and space to process feeling like I cheated on you, when I knew I didn’t.
J – I know you needed that and it was totally incongruent to what I needed. Which is why I am so angry at myself.
MC – We’re human. Jad, We’re allowed to feel what we feel.
J– This is a totally fucked up situation and there is this HUGE part of me that wants to get on a plane and come home and then I have to think well where the fuck is home because home is where your heart is and mine is torn between two countries.
MC – I understand…but you know you cant…and we’re getting there a little at a time.
J – I blogged, I have posted it yet, I have not painted myself in a very nice light.
MC – We all feel selfish at times. My time was last night…
J – Yep, another suck arse universe cruel joke that the one time you ever did was the one time I needed the total opposite.
MC – I’m sorry, Jad. I knew you needed to talk. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t.
MC – The experience was sweet and awful at the same time. And I could barely keep my dick hard fucking her. And I had to fuck her. For her, For you. And for me…
J – I know, I know you had to do it for all of us. And you will need to keep doing it for you but now more especially for her and because of the person you are you will find a way to keep it going for her sake.
MC– Hey…I love you
J – Hey…I love you
MC – and it’s okay to feel what you feel. Don’t be made about it. Take your time and work through it. I have faith in you.
J – No, it’s not okay. I am very ashamed of myself
MC – It IS ok. And cut yourself some slack. The guy you love just fucked someone else so you could fuck someone else because we can’t fuck each other , and we’re both encouraging each other to go fuck other people because we love each other…Its kinda like the worst, fucked up love story movie ever!! And if you’re going to make millions off the book so I can fly and forth on your private jet , then we have to resolve the plot twist in THIS chapter…
J – Damn and fuck it all…ugly crying to hysterical laughter in 3.5 seconds
MC – See…we can get through it…Stop being upset with yourself….Do it for me. I never ask anything of you, but this time I am…
J – I will try really hard, I promise
MC – Great! Now, I have to get going! Get some sleep! Try! If it makes you feel better, picture me with Jasmine!
I tried very hard to sleep during the night but was difficult, woke up many times and sometimes I texted with The Captain. Mostly brief snatches of conversation I will post below just things that I think are relevant
J – Has she texted? How is she feeling the day after?
MC – She has texted, she knows I am not feeling well
J – How are you not feeling well?
MC – Cough, stuffy head, achy
J – Damn, when did that start?
MC – Sunday evening it was just a bit of a scratchy cough
J – My fucking green eyed monster instantly reared it’s ugly head because she knew you were sick and I didn’t . I am such a stupid bitch!! I am going back to sleep I will ttyl
MC – lol sweet dreams
J – Just for the record, your responses to me a lot lately are lol, I guess this must be the part of the transcending relationship. I tried to bring it up to you before and you responded with lol. I don’t know if you do it because you are busy, don’t know how to respond, sick of my bullshit or what. I have a lot of anger inside of me, something I am unfamiliar with but I am trying to do the best with what I have. I know I am failing and putting extra burden on you which then compounds it for me so I get angry again. Fuck sleep. It’s overrated!!
MC– Ok. Let’s go through this. I lol when I don’t know what else to say…..Talk…You need to talk, so let’s do that.
J – You don’t know what to say because you are annoyed? Can’t be fucked? Too busy to come up with shit? My Captain has never been at a loss for words before. I feel unimportant that you didn’t care to tell me you were getting sick, just another layer of this fucked up shitty situation. I feel like I am not fighting fair because I honestly don’t know how two reasonable adults fight. I am mad and I don’t know where to put my mad!
MC – Ok. When there’s nothing I can do, or think to say to be helpful then I find myself at an uncomfortable loss…
Also, I had a TINY scratchy cough. I didn’t even think to tell you about it because it was such an inconsequential thing going on in my life, it completely escaped my mind to mention it, just as if it was a hang nail….Next….
You aren’t mad at me. Or yourself. You’re mad because we are on separate continents, unable to touch each other, and you just encouraged me to fuck this girl, just like I’ve been encouraging you, and then I went and did it….and it hurt me to do it and I closed down because I needed to process, and you didn’t get to comfort me back, or talk to me for several hours. And since anger is easier than hurt…you’re mad…because it’s easier to be mad.
You better be keeping all this shit for the book. This is good shit! And I get an honorable mention in the Foreward using my REAL name…
J – This is totally fucked up shit, I hate being the main fucking character in this book.
MC – It’s your book, hon…your life story…this is part of it
J – I didn’t know it was going to end up like this
MC – I know. This is just the plot twist
J – I mean I knew but I didn’t
MC – Now…tell me…tell me what’s eating you..
J – I am incredibly insanely jealous and I hate myself for it. My brain or my inner bitch takes a scenario and interprets it in so many different ways. I am unfamiliar with these feelings and I don’t know how to process them and I don’t understand why it’s not okay to be angry at myself because most of my thoughts and feelings are incredibly selfish.
MC – Well I just fucked another woman. She wasn’t good. She was inexperienced, didn’t know what to do, or say, didn’t understand what I was doing or why. And to calm her so I could get her to trust me so I could fuck her, I had to caress her in all the right places, touch and fondle and relax her, get to progress slowly until she was ready to have my cock in her. And then, I had to jack off enough to get my dick hard enough to fuck her. And I barely got the job done…
And I did this…so you could always blame me for moving first, because I knew that’s what your inner bitch would tell you… that I fucked another woman, and make you hate it….
And then I cried all the way home, came home, and curled up in a ball, and figured out how to process my feelings. And I’m still processing.
And here I am, my love, helping you process your feelings…because I love you…and I can’t stand to see you hurt…
J – Are we going to have to go through this again if and when I fuck another man? I am actually thinking of switching sides!!! Or the neighbors dog is looking pretty good!!
MC – Lol, no sweetie…I have my jealousy under a firm grasp. My reality allows me to understand my reactions to happenings, understand the thought process that I need to adjust, and do so. And I’m terribly grounded in my self worth, and lots of other attributes. I know that you need to have sex. And I want you to have sex with another man when YOU are ready, not when anybody tells you to. And I want you to enjoy that first time! And I know you will, but then after, your heart is going to break all over again… And I’ll still be here for you for that as well, because you’ll be mad at me for not being there, and mad at yourself for not being here… And we’ll get through that too…
J – I am mad at you for being so grounded!! If it were possible we would be having a full on fight right now with me doing all the yelling and you responding in your calm matter of fact manner, I might throw some shit and stomp my feet a little and you let me go to a point and then you would pin me to the wall and we would have the most incredible makeup sex…And now I am mad some more because I just realized that I am never going to have wall sex again!!!
MC – That’s not true..they have walls in Bali..I saw them in the photos. We can combine wall sex, hut sex and beach sex all in one trip.
J – I still have hope that we will meet in Bali but have this gut feeling that it won’t happen.
MC – Bite your tongue!
A little while later
J– I posted the hardest blog, I am sorry in advance if any of it hurts you or makes you mad, I am feeling somewhat better than when I wrote this but that will be a follow up blog.
MC – Lol not at all hon! You know I love your writing. Besides… you getting furious just means eventually we’re having some makeup sex that will probably sprain your hips…
J – Yeah, but I am not usually this bitchy towards the man I love and the woman he loves
MC – This is true, but I know your heart and your head, and I know how to handle you. And yes sometimes you need handled. But its done with the words and hands of me…I earned the right to handle you when necessary.
J – yeah, you sure did earn that right
J – Is it horrible that I am glad you are too sick for a date tonight
MC – Lol no, it’s not horrible
Well fuck!! I pretty much ended leaving most of it in which means I wasted an email!! I will never ever get those 2.5 seconds that it took to send the email back!! Oh well!!
So what do you think? fucking intense hey? Jad’s batshit craziness in all its glory!! See I have been telling y’all for a long time that I am batshit crazy and now you have evidence.
The Captain and I have had many follow up conversations but I think for now I am going to leave it at this, suffice to say we are working through it together.
Many times in our conversations Mon Capitaine comes across as blase or matter of fact but I know that he too hurts deeply, he is just better at getting a handle on his hurt.
And what of the green eyed monster, well it is still there, lurking in the background, popping out every now and then in it’s ugly attempt to cause destruction and stress. I am still terribly ashamed of myself and trying to work through those emotions. I recently re read one of my blog posts here and after reading it I was like “oh how fucking batshit crazy naive you were” seriously!! who in their right mind thinks that the man they love having sex with another woman might just cause “a little sadness”
I know a lot of people keeping telling me that the jealousy is normal and I honestly and truly appreciate and respect your support and assurances but when I have lived 20 years being the recipient of awful destructive jealousy it is an emotion that I have no tolerance for. I am getting a better handle on it, I am making some headway. Mon Capitaine is helping me along the way and we have developed some strategies to help me get through this.
I do have some upcoming dates of my own, I have been sabotaging my efforts quite seriously telling potential dates that I am in love with another man yadda yadda yadda… Until.. after telling my story to one man his response was Jad, I need to call you!!!
He had an interesting tale to tell….but that is another blog post for another day!