So originally when this blog was in my batshit crazy head the title of it was going to be “Conflicted and confused” but as I was mentally preparing for this blog post my confusion and conflicting feelings came up in conversation with “Mon Capitaine”
And…. I realized that despite the fact that this is a totally fucked up situation between “Mon Capitaine”, myself and the “Pink Panther I truly am blessed to have these two incredibly amazing guys in my life!!!
Two incredibly awesome, self assured, confident, and emotionally mature men who can accept my batshit craziness and my situation in all it’s fuckupness and two men who have chosen to be an integral part of my “journey” of self discovery and growth!!
As much as I complain about the suck arsed bitch universe I feel like I must have done something absofrickenlutely awesome to be lucky enough to have met both Mon Capitaine AND the Pink Panther!!
I guess the easiest way to show you just how fucking lucky I am is to post a couple of conversations on here because…Honestly, I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around how fucking lucky I am!!
I mean sure, I still miss Mon Capitaine like fuck!! And it fucking royally sucks arse that when I finally find someone who loves me so deeply and so selflessly I have to walk away but ya know…. I just walked away from the physical…I still feel his love!! The Captain still shows me his love in so many ways and it took me a minute to realize that the ongoing emotional love is a blessing in itself…I mean for fucks sake how many people do you know end a physical love affair but still remain so bonded emotionally..!!
So!! I am not sure if you find the conversations between “Mon Capitaine” and myself and between the “Pink Panther” and myself interesting or as boring as shit but I am sure that if you do find them fucking boring you will let me know in the comments…,.right!!?
Also just let me say NONE of these conversations could have happened so openly and so honestly if not for the type of relationship all 3 of use have and if not for the level of emotional maturity involved….Seriously!!! I fucking LOVE how totally open and honest I can be with both of these men and Love how that openness and honesty is reciprocal.
So here goes conversation with “My Captain”
J – My Captain…..Don’t you worry that I may end up loving the “Pink Panther”?
MC – No, hon. Even if you fall in love with him, I still have my friend that loves me very much…
J- I will always love you. But I worry. You did the panther thing and sneaked up on me. Now I am dating a panther with a pink tail LOL.
J – It kind of seems surreal that I am pining for you but have met someone that I am so compatible with so quickly….it took me 9 months to find you!
MC – Look…if you fall in love with the “Pink Panther”, then you have fallen in love with a man that I helped fall in love with you, and has a respect for me that will hopefully transcend normal relationships. He understands I am part of your life and is comfortable with that, along with what he brings to your life. And I understand my role in our relationship will change to friend and trusted adviser and that our relationship will change, but not cheapen…
MC- And I’m ok with that, Jad!! Loving you as I do just means I want what’s best for you always!! And the day may come when THAT means I take the back seat!!
After this conversation I knew I was going to have to blog about this so felt it prudent to talk to the “Pink Panther” so that he was not blindsided….Here that conversation.
J – I had a conversation with My Captain this morning and some of that I want to put in my blog but there are some things I feel like you should know from me before you read about it in my blog……..some details of the conversation were then given to PP
PP- Mon Capitaine and I are spiritual doppelgangers. He is absolutely right. I love the relationship you have with him. A bond like that is rare, and should always be treasured and encouraged. He loves you in the purest possible way, completely selflessly. It is important to him that your journey of growth continues. It would have continued if you were still there, your relationship would have kept evolving. Jad, people like us should never be afraid to love because we love so differently to others. We love knowing that love is not about ownership or possession. Love for us is recognizing the special qualities in another, relishing and cherishing them, and encouraging them to grow in freedom, without restrictions or conditions. This is how Mon Capitaine loves you and yes, I’ll say it, this is how I am growing to love you.
I mean really this is fucking movie worthy stuff right here!! Nobody could even begin to make this shit up!! Who the fuck knew that after spending the first years of my life in relationships with men that were either pedophilia, toxic or unhealthy to then ending up with 2 incredibly amazing men in my life!!! Doubly blessed!
Now I want to state for the record that I know in myself I have a tendency a sabotage, I sort of feel like these initial conversations started out as a
little bit lot of sabotage because I knew that I felt really drawn to the “Pink Panther” but what started out as maybe, probably sabotage has actually ended up a good thing because now it is all out in the open I can explore this relationship with the “Pink Panther” without me placing restrictions on myself which is what I was doing….!!!
Some fucking adventure hey!?
Look out for the next adventures in the Slightly quirky, fun loving, batshit crazy self confessed nymphomaniac Jad’s life….. “I was slimed”!!! coming soon in your email or reader!