I was slimed!!

I have to tell y’all about the most hysterically funny traumatic experience of my life!! I am not shitting you!
I mean, I have had enough fucking traumatic experiences in my life to write a plethora of books if I wanted to… But NONE of them have been as equally hysterically funny as they were traumatic…..And I just fucking know by the end of this blog post y’all are going to know for 100% sure that I am totally fucking batshit crazy!!! If’n ya didn’t already know that!!

First let me set a little back story… A day trip was planned with the “Pink Panther” and his two children “Batman” and sidekick “Robin”…We also took my granddaughter “Super-girl” along!
Now you need to know a little bit about myself and these 3 awesomely amazing kids to understand just WHY this was so freaking hysterically traumatic!!
Firstly I have sensory perception disorder…I mean y’all know that right..Seriously why the fuck else would I sometimes almost always wear shoes or socks during sex…it’s not some kinky fuckery, it is because my sensory perception disorder demands it. There are certain textures I simply cannot tolerate. I once ran out into 6 lanes of oncoming traffic to get away from someone who was threatening to touch me with cotton balls!! For real!
Anyway these 3 wonderful children also have some form of sensory issues both positive and negative. For example, Super-girl loves certain textures that I simply cannot abide and she also has a love hate relationship with regards to smells, it is all about how our brains interpret sounds, textures and smells and it can be a little difficult for someone who does not have these issues to understand them but just imagine the “Fingernails on the blackboard scenario” Most of you can understand what that can do to some people even if it something that does not effect you personally you probably have your own version of “fingernails on a blackboard”…..Well multiply that by at least 10 and you may understand how traumatic certain textures, smells or sounds can be.

So anyway on our wonderful exciting day trip we went into a teddy bear shop, I mean for fucks sake, a teddy bear shop, how harmless is that…WRONG!! oh so very WRONG!!

“Super-girl” picked up a pot of slime…I can NOT do slime, just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I asked her to put it down and the store owner said it was a sample pot for kids to try out…What the fuck…No, Just NO!!

Moments later “Super-girl” came over with slime dripping all down her hands and arms, I cannot begin to describe the absolute horror I felt, it was going everywhere!!! All over the table and the very pretty, probably expensive table cloth and the floor and her shoes and that fucking stuff was fucking everywhere.

I was kind of freaking out a little lot about the table cloth because my currently unemployed brain was thinking this lady is going to charge me for this fucking table cloth so I tried to pick up the slime from the table cloth and honestly I do not know what the fuck happened next but my hands were covered in slime, as were “Batman’s” and “Super-girls”…Meanwhile “Robin” was happily wandering around the store looking at things so he was all good!!

“Super-girl” was very distressed as the slime was all over her shoes and Batman was asking to go wash his hands. The store owner was telling us that water will make it worse and showing us this stupid arsed fucked up way of lightly tapping the floor to take it from our hands but honestly it was not getting off quick enough and I was become more and more distressed….

Y’all need to really use your imagination to picture this…..A 50 something batshit crazy woman sitting on the floor in a teddy bear shop with her hands covered in this nasty arsed fucking slime laughing hysterically and crying with horror simultaneously while “Batman” is sitting next to her getting more and more agitated and vocal on how he needs to get this stuff of his hands RIGHT NOW and “Super-Girl” is really starting to get more vocal about her shoes while the “Pink Panther” was torn between laughing hysterically while wanting to help these distressed children and batshit crazy adult!!

I tell you it was totally freaking fucked up and funny all at the same time!

“Batman” by this point had a scary tone to his voice and I sensed he was moments away from a meltdown..I knew this because I was moments away from my own meltdown. I was torn between wanting to continue to try to get this shit of my own hands OR do the adult thing and help the child in distress… Y’all would be so freaking proud of me because I adulted up and helped “Batman”!!

I soon discovered if I rubbed his hands really well with my hands this nasty arsed slime mixed with the dirt and grime on our hands became dried blobs which fell to the floor, some intensive rubbing and I was able to get the slime off both of our hands at the same time!!! What a fucking achievement!

Meanwhile the “Pink Panther” had made progress on the shoes and “Super-girl” had almost cleared her hands…drama averted and almost back to normal when we noticed “Robin” had finished his wandering around the store and had sat back down on the sofa and picked up another pot of slime. He was just about to open it when (5) people all at once leaned forward and yelled NO!!! Whew……That was fucking close!!

NEVER ever never!!! In a gazillion years am I permitting slime to be touched, opened, tasted, made, or even fucking thought of in my presence….That’s right don’t even fucking THINK of slime if you are anywhere near me!!!

24 thoughts on “I was slimed!!

  1. Jusy to clarify for the readers, this was not commercial grade, regular harmless kids “Slime”. The shop owner said it was lovingly made by her granddaughter, and indeed, it looked innocent enough, a lovely bright shade of blue bespeckled with glitter. But innocence played no part in the creation of this matter – Hell’s own minions slaved for years to perfect this cruel torture.
    Imagine if you will, a material with the adhesive and elastic properties of melted bubble gum mixed with superglue, the consistency of honey, and the ability to mysteriously double in volume on contact with human skin.
    If a unicorn fucked The Blob, this would be the resultant offspring, an enchanting, amorphous entity intent on destroying mankind one sensory challenged individual at a time.
    Personally, I nearly lost my bladder several times over watching those three squirm, squeal, laugh and cry all at the same time!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Um… Note to self: Add slime to Christmas gift list… Lol I’m sorry, but I really wish that I could have been a bug on the wall for this one… You guys should go back and ask if you can get a copy of the security camera footage!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is one of your funniest posts Jad! I loved this bit: “I once ran out into 6 lanes of oncoming traffic to get away from someone who was threatening to touch me with cotton balls!! For real!” I’m with you on cotton wool! The slime sounds disgusting and the store owner should be fired!

    Liked by 1 person

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