Warning!! Disclaimer!! Note to Y’all… Whatever the fuck you want to call it!!
This blog post is likely to bore you to fucking tears… It is not my usual witty fare, I am not going to regale you with tales of debauchery, sex and 30 shades…For the moment I need y’all to stay with me..stifle the yawns, read on and suffer through…Because I am almost certain that I too will be suffering through writing of it….In fact I am expecting I will partake in some incredibly ugly crying by the end…(sorry no pictures) So push on through…read to the end, and you’ll never have to read it again!! Deal?!
It has been a pretty stressful week or two…to be honest with you one moment I think it is as shitty as fuck and then 5 minutes later its fucking amazing! My Life is so totally bipolar right now it’s fucking hard to keep up!!!
When things are so bipolar and the swings are so extreme it is hard for me not to question myself on if I made the right choice moving back to Australia…In fact that exact question has been asked of me many times by others….So let’s put this fucking puppy to bed once and for all…I know that some family and friends may be concerned that at some point I might just say “Fuck this shit” jump on a plane and go home to America but that is not going to happen, Australia is my home now (at least until I retire) and let me tell you why….But before I do that I need to go back in time!!!
I was a shitty mother!! I am serious, I really fucking was…Now I am not saying this because I want to people say ” oh no no you weren’t” or for any type of attention grabbing ploy I am saying this because it is the absolute truth!!
Do my kids think I was a shitty mother? I am not sure and to be honest with you it is totally irrelevant because they were kids!! I mean fuck some mothers could feed their kids horse shit for dinner and make them sleep in closets and their kids would still love them unconditionally so given that kids can love the most shittiest of parents unconditionally my kids don’t get to decided if I was a shitty mother or not.!!
What my kids will probably tell you is that a lot of their memories of their childhood is of me being sick all the time but what they may or may not remember is my obsession with “activities” which totally ignored them, the family and everything else going on around me and allowed me to escape MY reality.
The obsessive activities varied with the times and available technology, starting with reading, if I was reading a book the house could have burnt down around me and I probably would not have noticed, from reading it went to the Nintendo, from there the PlayStation and fantasy role playing games, then onto the internet and trivia chat rooms…. As more and more technology became available I found I could immerse myself into “another world” and “another reality” in far greater ways so I did not have to face my own reality!!
Along with being depressed and sad most of the time I was also easy to anger so I yelled at my kids often, they grew up getting yelled at for the most menial of things by not only their father but also their mother…It was a house of yelling!!
On top of all of this I was a terrible role model in so many freaking ways It would take me all night to list them so lets just say I fucking sucked at teaching my kids by example.
This is just a fraction of my shittiness as a parent, I have only barely scratched the surface of my shittiness but you get the drift right!?
So having said all of this my kids did grow up knowing that I LOVED them totally, completely and unconditionally and it was not all doom and gloom, there were some fun times…But even with those good times and the immense love that I had for my kids it did not change the fact that I had checked out of my life a long time ago and I could not be the parent they needed me to be.
Even with my kids growing up in a shitty situation, with shitty parents, and shitty role models and a shitty childhood there must have been some good in there somewhere because I have 3 absolutely fucking amazing kids who are genuinely wonderful, good, caring, amazing adults and I am so proud of them!!
So I hear you asking what is the fucking point of all this!! Well let me tell you…!!!
I cannot make up for the shitty parenting I did in my past!
I am not trying to seek forgiveness or penance for my shitty parenting!
Equally I am not trying to make excuses for my shitty parenting.
I can sit here and tell you I was so fucked up from the adversity and the abuse that I was doing the best I could with what I had and that would be the truth but at the end of the day I had choices to make and I consistently and repeatedly made the wrong choices so I fully accept and carry the responsibility for those choices.
I cannot change ANY of my past parenting mistakes!!
But what I CAN do is affect the present and the future!!
Like I said I have 3 incredible kids and I am so blessed that I have a wonderful relationship with all 3 of them despite my failure as a parent… BUT I do see the scars that each of them carry from growing up with such fucked up shitty parents.
And I know in my heart and soul that it is time for me to be a part of their daily life…To BE the example that I was always supposed to BE…To show and teach and be and love… Not from a distance but from nearby.
I gave up America, my career, my friends, my lifestyle and my love “Mon Capitaine” to come home to my family in Australia but let me tell you….Please!! Everyone who knows me personally who is reading this, I want you to understand and know this is the absolute truth…. None of what I gave up to come home to my family do I consider a sacrifice. I never ever want my kids to feel like I sacrificed ANYTHING to be with them.
I came home to Australia to be with my children because it was something that “I wanted and needed to do” In my heart and my soul I knew that I was now healed enough within myself so that I could finally be the type of parent that my kids SHOULD have had.
They are adults now, they don’t need parenting BUT I can finally BE that example in their life!! Listen to them, laugh with them, love and support them and hopefully with me being a close and constant presence in their life help them to heal some of their own scars..!!
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say I am going to be perfect, or that I have a magic fucking wand that I can wave and voila all fixed… I am sure I have already and will continue to make some fuck ups along the way!! But I have the laws of nature on my side…Just as negativity breeds negativity so does the opposite have the same effect and despite the fact that I am facing a lot of my own personal challenges right now in regards to work (lack of) and my love triangle… The relationship I have with my children is one of positivity and love, so together we are creating a culture of positivity and love!!
Most of you know that I have been on a journey for the last 18 months to finally be the person who I was always supposed to be and NOT the product of the adversity of my past…Being a positive and influential role model in the lives of my adult children and my grandchildren is another facet of my growth into the individual that I have become and one which gives me incredible joy and pleasure.
Many years ago I ran away to America out of necessity…For my sanity, emotional and mental well being I needed to be in a different place so I could eventually get to a point where I had the tools and the ability to rebuild myself!
13 years later I returned home to Australia again out of necessity… For I knew in my heart and soul that my transformation into the person that I was always supposed to be would not be complete until I was able to come full circle and be the Mother and the Grammy that I was always supposed to be!!!