Reflections of the past!?

Warning!! Disclaimer!! Note to Y’all… Whatever the fuck you want to call it!!
This blog post is likely to bore you to fucking tears… It is not my usual witty fare, I am not going to regale you with tales of debauchery, sex and 30 shades…For the moment I need y’all to stay with me..stifle the yawns, read on and suffer through…Because I am almost certain that I too will be suffering through writing of it….In fact I am expecting I will partake in some incredibly ugly crying by the end…(sorry no pictures) So push on through…read to the end, and you’ll never have to read it again!! Deal?!

 

It has been a pretty stressful week or two…to be honest with you one moment I think it is as shitty as fuck and then 5 minutes later its fucking amazing! My Life is so totally bipolar right now it’s fucking hard to keep up!!!

When things are so bipolar and the swings are so extreme it is hard for me not to question myself on if I made the right choice moving back to Australia…In fact that exact question has been asked of me many times by others….So let’s put this fucking puppy to bed once and for all…I know that some family and friends may be concerned that at some point I might just say “Fuck this shit” jump on a plane and go home to America but that is not going to happen, Australia is my home now (at least until I retire) and let me tell you why….But before I do that I need to go back in time!!!

I was a shitty mother!! I am serious, I really fucking was…Now I am not saying this because I want to people say ” oh no no you weren’t” or for any type of attention grabbing ploy I am saying this because it is the absolute truth!!

Do my kids think I was a shitty mother? I am not sure and to be honest with you it is totally irrelevant because they were kids!! I mean fuck some mothers could feed their kids horse shit for dinner and make them sleep in closets and their kids would still love them unconditionally so given that kids can love the most shittiest of parents unconditionally my kids don’t get to decided if I was a shitty mother or not.!!

What my kids will probably tell you is that a lot of their memories of their childhood is of me being sick all the time but what they may or may not remember is my obsession with “activities” which totally ignored them, the family and everything else going on around me and allowed me to escape MY reality.
The obsessive activities varied with the times and available technology, starting with reading, if I was reading a book the house could have burnt down around me and I probably would not have noticed, from reading it went to the Nintendo, from there the PlayStation and fantasy role playing games, then onto the internet and trivia chat rooms…. As more and more technology became available I found I could immerse myself into “another world” and “another reality” in far greater ways so I did not have to face my own reality!!

Along with being depressed and sad most of the time I was also easy to anger so I yelled at my kids often, they grew up getting yelled at for the most menial of things by not only their father but also their mother…It was a house of yelling!!

On top of all of this I was a terrible role model in so many freaking ways It would take me all night to list them so lets just say I fucking sucked at teaching my kids by example.

This is just a fraction of my shittiness as a parent, I have only barely scratched the surface of my shittiness but you get the drift right!?

So having said all of this my kids did grow up knowing that I LOVED them totally, completely and unconditionally and it was not all doom and gloom, there were some fun times…But even with those good times and the immense love that I had for my kids it did not change the fact that I had checked out of my life a long time ago and I could not be the parent they needed me to be.

Even with my kids growing up in a shitty situation, with shitty parents, and shitty role models and a shitty childhood there must have been some good in there somewhere because I have 3 absolutely fucking amazing kids who are genuinely wonderful, good, caring, amazing adults and I am so proud of them!!

So I hear you asking what is the fucking point of all this!! Well let me tell you…!!!
I cannot make up for the shitty parenting I did in my past!
I am not trying to seek forgiveness or penance for my shitty parenting!
Equally I am not trying to make excuses for my shitty parenting.
I can sit here and tell you I was so fucked up from the adversity and the abuse that I was doing the best I could with what I had and that would be the truth but at the end of the day I had choices to make and I consistently and repeatedly made the wrong choices so I fully accept and carry the responsibility for those choices.

I cannot change ANY of my past parenting mistakes!!

But what I CAN do is affect the present and the future!!

Like I said I have 3 incredible kids and I am so blessed that I have a wonderful relationship with all 3 of them despite my failure as a parent… BUT I do see the scars that each of them carry from growing up with such fucked up shitty parents.

And I know in my heart and soul that it is time for me to be a part of their daily life…To BE the example that I was always supposed to BE…To show and teach and be and love… Not from a distance but from nearby.

I gave up America, my career, my friends, my lifestyle and my love “Mon Capitaine” to come home to my family in Australia but let me tell you….Please!! Everyone who knows me personally who is reading this, I want you to understand and know this is the absolute truth…. None of what I gave up to come home to my family do I consider a sacrifice. I never ever want my kids to feel like I sacrificed ANYTHING to be with them.

I came home to Australia to be with my children because it was something that “I wanted and needed to do”  In my heart and my soul I knew that I was now healed enough within myself so that I could finally be the type of parent that my kids SHOULD have had.

They are adults now, they don’t need parenting BUT I can finally BE that example in their life!! Listen to them, laugh with them, love and support them and hopefully with me being a close and constant presence in their life help them to heal some of their own scars..!!

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say I am going to be perfect, or that I have a magic fucking wand that I can wave and voila all fixed… I am sure I have already and will continue to make some fuck ups along the way!! But I have the laws of nature on my side…Just as negativity breeds negativity so does the opposite have the same effect and despite the fact that I am facing a lot of my own personal challenges right now in regards to work (lack of)  and my love triangle… The relationship I have with my children is one of positivity and love, so together we are creating a culture of positivity and love!!

Most of you know that I have been on a journey for the last 18 months to finally be the person who I was always supposed to be and NOT the product of the adversity of my past…Being a positive and influential role model in the lives of my adult children and my grandchildren is another facet of my growth into the individual that I have become and one which gives me incredible joy and pleasure.

Many years ago I ran away to America out of necessity…For my sanity, emotional and mental well being I needed to be in a different place so I could eventually get to a point where I had the tools and the ability to rebuild myself!

13 years later I  returned home to Australia again out of necessity… For I knew in my heart and soul that my transformation into the person that I was always supposed to be would not be complete until I was able to come full circle and be the Mother and the Grammy that I was always supposed to be!!!

 

 

24 thoughts on “Reflections of the past!?

  1. Jad,
    Each of us has a journey, unique unto itself. No one else has lived your journey, therefore no one else has the right to judge it.
    Every day of our lives we make decisions, or choices, big and small. Those decisions are shaped by our experiences. Most will be the right ones, but often they are not. The consequences of those decisions go on to form more experiences, which then in turn inform future decisions. Our journey continues throughout our life, and our past, once it is behind us, cannot be changed.
    Your early life was beset with negative experiences, as a result you made your choices on somewhat shaky ground, and maybe, in hindsight, they were not the best choices available to you, but they were made nonetheless.
    Where you are now though, is a galaxy away from where you were 30 years ago, and the amazing thing is that you are here as this wonderful, batshit crazy, slightly quirky, mostly funny woman, not in spite of those choices you made, but because of them! Each of those choices has gone into the making of who you are today, and without them, you would be totally different.
    That doesn’t absolve us from our past, though. We still have to take ownership of it, and we should always look back and review our lives, not to punish ouselves, but to learn from ourselves. If our choices have impacted on others, we should do our best to atone for our wrongdoings, not out of guilt or sef flagellation, or to seek sympathy or forgiveness, but in a spirit of growth and giving.
    You, more than anyone, know how far you have come, and I for one am extremely blessed to be here at this stage of your journey, just as your family are blessed to have you back to love and nurture them.
    The hardest part in any of our journeys is forgiving ourselves, and giving ourselves permission to keep moving forward. We cannot reach for the future while our arms are filled with the past.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you for your words, I too am blessed that you are joining me on my current journey!!
      God I love your last line…”We cannot reach for the future while our arms are filled with the past”
      This is one of the things I learnt very quickly when I began this journey 18 months ago…I realized while I continued to hold onto regret it was keeping me chained to a place that I did not want to be!! But you say it oh so much more eloquently!

      Like

  2. Damn fine words there, PP! Give a man a pink tail and he become a Aristotle! You d idnt leave much to say!

    From the moment I started reading your blog, I’ve loved the way that you open yourself up to your readers, and pour that beautiful heart into your words. It’s opened and fostered many deep and meaningful conversations between us. I knew you going home was the right choice. I miss that hidden button panel on the Jadalicious control panel (tell ya about that one later PP), but I know you’re in good hands, happy to be home, and having a great affect on your family! You know I’m always here for you!

    Mon Capitaine

    Liked by 4 people

    • Walking away from you was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and I could not have done it for any other reason except for the very reason I did!!
      You know the depth of ME…you often know my thoughts and feelings before I have had time to analyse or understand them!! It is pretty special to have someone know you so intimately!!
      Now I need you to tell ME about that hidden button hahaha!!

      Like

  3. That post made me teary Jad, for I too was not the best Mum to my boy ’17’ sometimes, for a variety of reasons- some of them my childhood parenting too. I even fled myself for 6 years: to Adelaide!! But I’m back now, & yes, we can’t change the past but we can own it, & take responsibility for moving forward differently, although not always perfectly of course. Bless your honesty & courage, & look at the wonderful support you’re getting here, especially from your two men! How special, & well-deserved ❤❤❤ G

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks G…It was hard to own up to my failures as a parent and not continue to make excuses but once I did I found I was able to move past all that, accept it and then move forward not so much to atone but more because in my soul I needed and wanted to have a positive effect on the lives of my children and I do not think it is ever too late for that!!
      Thanks for reading and as always your supportive and thoughtful comments xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I swear, Jad, if male ego didn’t dominate my mind-set, I’d have tissues and tears fighting over my face. The amount of honesty and confession in this piece is incredible. I’m no parent, but i can say this, you can only do the best you can at the time that suits you, and you do what you can even if you feel it maybe to late. You acknowledge yourself as a shitty parent. But how many can honestly open up about this as you have? That right there shows growth, even if that growth has taken longer than what your children may have needed at the time. Your children must be great, you’ve mentioned them a few times in other conversations. I’m glad you wrote this…you have character. You’re not tied down to one specific subject. I like this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kal…Ya know a “man cry” can at times be very attractive!! 🙂
      My journey would not have been possible if I did not open myself up to accepting all the things about myself that I sucked arse at and then taking steps to change those things about me.
      I think the biggest thing I have learnt along this journey is that for TRUE success to happen I first have to be totally, completely and brutally honest…even if it does not paint me in a pretty light!!
      Thank you for your lovely compliments!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Honesty is how we change…for better or for worse. Once honesty is there, direction is right there beside it. You’re aware of your faults. And you’re embracing your faults as much as you do your achievements.

        I once wrote this in a poem and I stand by it. A lady of innocence isn’t worthwhile. No reputation to speak of. Those with a past are flawed, they carry shame. And because of this shame they’re far more interesting.

        The wording was a little different and more in line with something…R rated. But I feel the same thing applies here. Sucking arse builds character. Good gals are boring and lack the need and interest to change. Fuck, if you didn’t fuck up, I wouldn’t be reading your blog.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Jad, we’re all just doing the best we can. As a parent, I worry about my shortcomings and how they’re affecting my kids all the damn time. It seems like nothing is ever good enough! Our kids deserve only the best… and maybe they would get it if they were raised by robots rather than flawed humans.

    We have to give ourselves a break and forgive ourselves. Life is hard. Parenting is hard. We can’t be “on” all the time.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Your are right Lauren, we cannot be “ON” all the time and parenting is hard!!
      Unfortunately I was “OFF” the entire time but I no longer beat myself up about it. I have taken ownership the situation and my shortcomings accepted it for what it was and now my journey is taking me down the path of being the positive and loving influence in my children’s life that I previously was not.
      Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Omg that was a tear jerker . As i was with you growing up and totally understand your feelings etc here cant blame yourself in some of the times you went through but not going into all that on here as you know what im talking about. You did the best you could in the unhappy world you were living at the time and of course so much sadness over the years loosing a big part of your life 2 sisters brother and father. Ive always been there for you as i am now and so happy for you now finely enjoying everything thst life offers Enjoy your family and friends and keep smiling as its a beautiful one love ya heaps Jad xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks 🙂 It was actually one of my more cathartic posts…It took a little while to recover from the writing of it but I am in a good place now…Thanks for commenting and reading as always 🙂

      Like

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