I got some test results back from my doctor…You guessed it, I am ……….

Menopausal!!! Can you fucking believe it?!

So this just proves what a fucking maniacal bitch the suck arse universe is!

I mean really, it is not enough that I am trying to cope with moving countries, unemployment, saying goodbye to my first true love, missing my friends, readjusting back to the Aussie culture, worrying about dwindling finances, the health of my Mother and this weird arsed Quadrangle between Mon Capitaine, ARC girl, The Pink Panther and myself…. Seriously? That is not enough?! The suck arse bitch universe wants to fucking add menopause to the mix?! FOR FUCKS SAKE!!… “Universe”!!! Hey you!? What kind of sadistic bitch are you!?

Let’s talk about my menopause shall we?!

Okay so Y’all know there is nothing sacred in this blog and I have talked about all kinds of things ranging from poop to farts to vomit to sharts to orgasms and a plethora of stuff in between and you would think at some point I would find my limits!! right?! Well menopause and the state of my Vagina is not it!! So if you do not want to hear about how menopause is fucking with my vajayjay you may want to quit reading in about 5 paragraphs from now!!

So the first thing I am going to say is I had a partial hysterectomy about 15 years ago… At ANY time during those last 15 years I could have gone through menopause… That’s 180 months, 780 weeks, 5475 days, I mean really in all of those 15 fucking years the suck arsed bitch Universe decides to choose a time when I am already emotionally vulnerable!? If I was not already batshit fucking crazy I would be now…Woman have murdered people while experiencing menopause and gotten away with it…That is just how much this shit can FUCK with your brain!!

With menopause comes MANY symptoms, some lucky fuckers get NONE, others maybe one or two and some like “muggins here” hit the fucking jackpot and get a fucking plethora of freaking symptoms!!

I guess the most frustrating of my symptoms is the state of my batshit crazy mind..I really thought I was getting good handle on the entire fucked up situations with Mon Capitaine and the Teach…In fact after really analyzing the situation a lot further I was really happy to discover that was not jealousy that I was felt after all.. Sure I was butt hurt, but that was more because Mon Capitaine shut down on me…But my feelings towards the Teacher and situation was more about envy than jealousy… Jealous usually comes with feelings of mistrust and betrayal and I did not feel any of those… After analyzing I am very satisfied with knowing what I felt was envy, hurt and sadness which was why I could recover from it within a short amount of time!!!

So WHY the fuck did my emotional roller-coaster take a hayride to hell and was even worse when My Captain started to make eyes at ARC…(long story and not my story to tell but Mon Capitaine and the teach are no more and new girl ARC is in the picture)!! And let me tell you my inner fucking bitch who is also menopausal had a field day with that!!

So let me tell you why I am riding an emotional roller-coaster to hell….Because of this suck arse bitches universes ultimate fucking joke on me and these twisted menopausal hormonal mood swings!!! I mean fuck, I finally got a decent place, well as good as you can get with this fuckery in my life and what the hell, now I fucking cry at the drop of a hat… Really?! Who needs that shit?! Personally I think that MC and PP need to spank that whiny arsed crap right out of me!!

Now let’s talk about the state of my vajayjay shall we…. In the last 18 months of having mind blowing fucking sex with a variety of partners I have NEVER one time experienced vaginal dryness…In fact sometimes I was so fucking WET you could freaking bathe in it!! So what the fuck!! Now I need to buy  lube? Honestly lube and anal sex go together perfectly!! Lube and vaginal sex is just WRONG!! But it seems despite the fact that I continue to be multiple orgasmic that shit dries up quicker than sun showers hitting hot concrete!!

The last thing I want to talk about is hot flushes!! I have heard people talk of these and thought what the fuck are you carrying on about, so you feel a little hot for a minute or two. Don’t be such a Wa Wa baby!! Suck it up buttercup, Deal with it!!
I sincerely apologize for every fucking thought I ever had about anyone dealing with hot flushes because those fuckers come straight from the devil himself.
Imagine this, I am sitting at the casino with my Mum, in a cute sexy little dress, with my hair and makeup all done…when all of a sudden I feel this burning from the inside!! I am not fucking kidding you it is like someone crammed me into a fucking microwave, turned it on high and is cooking me from the inside out!! What is this shit, firstly I want to strip of every fucking ounce of clothing I am wearing but I have to restrain myself or I would get arrested for public nudity…I fan myself, madly waving my arms about like an epileptic chicken, I even resort to blowing on my body in an effort to cool the fire within… Then when when the hot flush finally comes to an end…My carefully applied make up has melted of my face, my hair is now a soggy mess plastered on my cheeks and my fucking dress, bra and panties are soaking wet and NOT In a good way!!

Night sweats are no better…I literally spend my entire night alternating between throwing my covers off the bed then reaching down to the floor and dragging those fuckers back on the bed. It is incredibly tiring going from shivering cold to burning hot ALL fucking night long, I mean really there is NO in between…

I barely get enough sleep which is now evident in the fact that I have discovered that I have developed the fucking ability to dream text!! I am not shitting you….You have all heard of drunk texting right?! Well fuck me dead if I have not learnt how to fucking dream text!!
I have NO memory of this entire conversation much to the amusement of Mon Capitaine!

I am going to leave Y’all with my dream text conversation below and this final statement… The Universe and menopause are both fuck arsed bitches and right now they ain’t no friend of mine!!






27 thoughts on “I got some test results back from my doctor…You guessed it, I am ……….

  1. Oh no! I heard that you are supposed to get more wet when you go through menopause? Maybe your dryness is just for a little until you go back to normal. On the bright side; you won’t have a period anymore right??
    Also… is it really true that women have gotten away with murder because they were menopausal?
    Sorry you are having the hot flushes & other symptoms!! ♡ & am curious to know about the captain & teach but I understand it’s his business… hehe.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks Jad for this post. You successfully scared the crap out of me! Despite that, I really appreciate that you detailed the effects. Women often don’t walk about it and those of us who expect to have to go through this BS some time soon feel fearful and wonder what it might mean. Or we go into denial (like me). The hot flushes already worry me because I am naturally hot blooded and the last thing I want is to feel like I’m in a sauna at work or some other inappropriate situation. Commiserating with you x

    Liked by 1 person

    • If any one tells you that hot flushes are a breeze they are lying through their teeth because they fucking suck arse!!
      Sorry to scare you!! The truth must be told!!


  3. MC and the teach are not compatible in any sense of the word. The only connection ever was high school familiarity and availability. So that has ended.

    Now…i would laugh a little, but my fear is that you would go panther hunting and take it out on him! I’m glad you finally went to the doc and are getting taken care of! (PP, only you can see what I put in parentheses. If you still own Kevlar, wear it buddy!)

    And lube is great stuff, Jad! Even when you are soaking wet, lube adds an element of friction reduction, and its not harmful to be ingested! And it’s tasteless and odorless, unless you use the flavored lube! And they have some great ones too! You could be a different flavor for prolly 10 days straight! Although…my favorite flavor has always been the Australian flavor…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Since when has lube been odorless and tasteless?! Oh wait, I am thinking of latex…Let me go lick up some lube and test your theory!
      Aussie flavor? You mean vegemite right?!


  4. I went into instant menopause when I had a full hysterectomy 8 or so years ago. Simple answer: hormone patches. Saved my life and sanity. Go to the doctor and don’t take no for an answer. My doctor thinks they’re the best and so do I. Good luck. Oh yes the night time hot flushes/night sweats were the worst. I described it as instantly having my body fill up with boiling water. Horrendous.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. BioTe hormone pellets have been my friend for the last year. I had a total hysterectomy in June of 2016. Used a topical hormone for about a year until my emotions wouldn’t knock it off. Found the pellets. Insert singing of the angels here. My husband is actually on the same type of therapy. When I tell you, for him, they’ve been life changing, believe me. He is normal again. If one type of therapy doesn’t feel right, seek something else. There are many different things to use. Vaginal creams you can use (you use them like if you had a yeast infection), and they ramp up the lovely goodness that makes sex slippery fun. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m scared as fuck, lol. I’m 35 now, so I’m going to start stockpiling canned goods and grow a badass home garden so that I’ll never have to leave my house throughout the entirety of menopause. Thanks for the warning!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay so let me tell you…You WILL have to leave your house during menopause because you will need plenty of chocolate and possibly some hot sex!!!….The Pink Panther offered to just throw chocolate to me from a distance while wearing Kevlar and we both thought that was a good thing LOL


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