I am pretty fucking sure I have referred to the Humpty Dumpty phenomena previously in my blog but fucked if I can find it!!! I searched and searched
for fucking hours until I got bored and I could not fucking find where or when I posted it however I did find some other interesting posts that kind of sort of relate so I might refer to them somewhere in this post and you might want to click on the link and read that shit…Up to you!!! But seriously if you have not read them before why wouldn’t you want to go back and read them?! I mean I am as interesting as fuck and I think you really fucking should…I am just saying….
Anyway I digress…just what the fuck is this Humpty Dumpty shit anyway!!!..Well let me tell you…. This blog post is about the “something else” again….!!
Yep “Self esteem” !! !! I know, I know I have written about this shit before..but it’s okay keep reading, I will try not to bore you too much, I promise!
So!! You would not think that two small words itsy bitsy words ” Self Esteem” can have such a serious impact on a persons life but let me tell you my friends… They can totally fuck you up!!
I have this thing which I call my “Humpty Dumpty” phenomena!!
Humpty Dumpy sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put Humpty together again!!
Self Esteem is like that… We are all like an egg balancing on a precipice. Some of us are those giant fucking almost unbreakable eggs like the Ostrich egg…I mean shit… A grown man can sit on those fuckers and they wont break…And then some of us are like those tiny fragile bird eggs like sparrows or finches that you see smashed and broken on the sidewalks from time to time!!
Some of us are hard boiled eggs, some still have a yolk inside and some are so excruciatingly fragile like those air blown eggs that a puff of wind could break them and then on the other extreme there are those who are fossilized eggs and you would need a hammer and a chisel to break those fuckers!!!
Are you still with me? So what sort of egg are you? How delicate is your self esteem? If you fall off that wall how easily will you break? Will you have something soft to cushion your fall and how hard will it be for you to put yourself back together? Because like the nursery rhyme the kings horses and kings men cannot help…Only YOU can put yourself back together?
I thought I was a pretty good egg to be honest with you? Not always though…I started out as one of those broken sparrow eggs on the sidewalk and I slowly put myself back together.
After a time I took my delicate little egg and began to strengthen it like “papier-mâché”
Slowly I used my experiences, my growth, my lessons and my journey and built strengthening layers on my fragile egg, with each layer hardening and forming a stronger egg.
But I guess I was just kidding myself and inside all the layers of papier-mâché is still the fragile little egg!! My papier-mâché layers are being eroded away by some crap that is going on in my life right now and I am both disappointed and pissed to find that not only is this happening but also that I am allowing this to happen…The problem is I don’t know how to stop it!!!
There have been a few situations lately that have had a serious effect on my self esteem and it is really fucked up that I am allowing external shit to fuck with me but y’all know me and y’all know that I tend to internalize things. I also have the inner bitch demon from hell who is a fucking genius at peeling away those fucking papier-mâché layers.
So I hear you asking what is fucking with my life right now… Well you have been reading about them in the last few weeks since I returned to Australia and if you read between the lines you can see there is so much going on in my batshit crazy life it is amazing I can still speak in complete sentences.
I still do not have a job (that there right there is some fucked up bogus shit) I have had some challenges with trying to work through Mon Capitaine and I dating people other than each other (that shit can fuck up even the sanest of people)
I have had some past reflections to work through, some issues with feeling erasable and most recently some of my old feelings of rejection have surfaced firstly with a party I am planning. While I have a few people coming and honestly most of the important people in my life who live locally are coming I still cannot help this feeling of dread that I get imagining being at my party by myself and nobody turning up…
As I have mentioned in my blog before my issues with rejection has been one of the biggest things for me to try and resolve… The scars run extremely deep and they affect many aspects of my life. What can be a small thing for one person and may seem rather inconsequential and silly can leave me feeling bewildered, hurt, confused and vulnerable.
I just had a recent experience with a texting issue, it is not the first time I have had issues with texts…. You can read about “The Texting phenomena” here but for those of you don’t feel like reading it for whatever reason below is a little extract!!
At the end of the day I think the thing I dislike the most about texting is how it makes me feel internally. It is a pretty shitty state of affairs when a text message or lack of text message can change the entire course of my day or evening. I know that these are MY issues and something that only “I” can fix and many are related to my issues with rejection but I wonder how much worse it would have been for me as a child being tortured and bullied if we had the technology of today.
There have been many studies done around texts, twitter and social media and how they increase your dopamine levels … Texts, Facebook likes, Re-tweets, etc…Its all about validation and to not get that validation is like a form of rejection for most people, even those with a great sense of self… So imagine what it would be like for someone who does not have a good sense of self, or struggles with feelings of rejection or a child being bullied in today’s society. Imagine what a devastating effect these feelings of rejection or lack of validation can have on them!!
So with all the fucked up shit going on in my life right now I am concerned about the fragility of my egg and I have to wonder if I need to take some drastic measure to make some very considered and controlled changes in my life to try and mitigate these experiences and circumstances….While I have my family and friends close by they cannot put me back together. Only I can do that….And as I can sometimes be a lazy fucker I don’t want to be putting back together fucking eggshells… I have to wonder do I need to plant some soft grass to cushion my fall…Do I need to tether myself to the fucking wall?…. How can I protect my egg!??