The Humpty Dumpty phenomena

I am pretty fucking sure I have referred to the Humpty Dumpty phenomena previously in my blog but fucked if I can find it!!! I searched and searched for fucking hours until I got bored and I could not fucking find where or when I posted it however I did find some other interesting posts that kind of sort of relate so I might refer to them somewhere in this post and you might want to click on the link and read that shit…Up to you!!! But seriously if you have not read them before why wouldn’t you want to go back and read them?! I mean I am as interesting as fuck and I think you really fucking should…I am just saying….

Anyway I digress…just what the fuck is this Humpty Dumpty shit anyway!!!..Well let me tell you…. This blog post is about the “something else” again….!!
Yep “Self esteem” !! !! I know, I know I have written about this shit before..but it’s okay keep reading, I will try not to bore you too much, I promise!

So!! You would not think that two small words itsy bitsy words ” Self Esteem” can have such a serious impact  on a persons life but let me tell you my friends… They can totally fuck you up!!

I have this thing which I call my “Humpty Dumpty” phenomena!!

Humpty Dumpy sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put Humpty together again!!

Self Esteem is like that… We are all like an egg balancing on a precipice. Some of us are those giant fucking almost unbreakable eggs like the Ostrich egg…I mean shit… A grown man can sit on those fuckers and they wont break…And then some of us are like those tiny fragile bird eggs like sparrows or finches that you see smashed and broken on the sidewalks from time to time!!
Some of us are hard boiled eggs, some still have a yolk inside and some are so excruciatingly fragile like those air blown eggs that a puff of wind could break them and then on the other extreme there are those who are fossilized eggs and you would need a hammer and a chisel to break those fuckers!!!

Are you still with me? So what sort of egg are you? How delicate is your self esteem? If you fall off that wall how easily will you break? Will you have something soft to cushion your fall and how hard will it be for you to put yourself back together? Because like the nursery rhyme the kings horses and kings men cannot help…Only YOU can put yourself back together?

I thought I was a pretty good egg to be honest with you? Not always though…I started out as one of those broken sparrow eggs on the sidewalk and I slowly put myself back together.
After a time I took my delicate little egg and began to strengthen it like “papier-mâché”
Slowly I used my experiences, my growth, my lessons and my journey and built strengthening layers on my fragile egg, with each layer hardening and forming a stronger egg.

But I guess I was just kidding myself and inside all the layers of papier-mâché is still the fragile little egg!! My papier-mâché layers are being eroded away by some crap that is going on in my life right now and I am both disappointed and pissed to find that not only is this happening but also that I am allowing this to happen…The problem is I don’t know how to stop it!!!

There have been a few situations lately that have had a serious effect on my self esteem and it is really fucked up that I am allowing external shit to fuck with me but y’all know me and y’all know that I tend to internalize things. I also have the inner bitch demon from hell who is a fucking genius at peeling away those fucking papier-mâché layers.

So I hear you asking what is fucking with my life right now… Well you have been reading about them in the last few weeks  since I returned to Australia and if you read between the lines you can see there is so much going on in my batshit crazy life it is amazing I can still speak in complete sentences.

I still do not have a job (that there right there is some fucked up bogus shit) I have had some challenges with trying to work through Mon Capitaine and I dating people other than each other (that shit can fuck up even the sanest of people)
I have had some past reflections to work through, some issues with feeling erasable and most recently some of my old feelings of rejection have surfaced firstly with a party I am planning. While I have a few people coming and honestly most of the important people in my life who live locally are coming I still cannot help this feeling of dread that I get imagining being at my party by myself and nobody turning up…

As I have mentioned in my blog before my issues with rejection has been one of the biggest things for me to try and resolve… The scars run extremely deep and they affect many aspects of my life. What can be a small thing for one person and may seem rather inconsequential and silly can leave me feeling bewildered, hurt, confused and vulnerable.

I just had a recent experience with a texting issue, it is not the first time I have had issues with texts…. You can read about “The Texting phenomena” here but for those of you don’t feel like reading it for whatever reason below is a little extract!!

At the end of the day I think the thing I dislike the most about texting is how it makes me feel internally. It is a pretty shitty state of affairs when a text message or lack of text message can change the entire course of my day or evening. I know that these are MY issues and something that only “I” can fix and many are related to my issues with rejection but I wonder how much worse it would have been for me as a child being tortured and bullied if we had the technology of today.

There have been many studies  done around texts, twitter and social media and how they increase your dopamine levels … Texts, Facebook likes, Re-tweets, etc…Its all about validation and to not get that validation is like a form of rejection for most people, even those with a great sense of self… So imagine what it would be like for someone who does not have a good sense of self, or struggles with feelings of rejection or a child being bullied in today’s society. Imagine what a devastating effect these feelings of rejection or lack of validation can have on them!!

So with all the fucked up shit going on in my life right now I am concerned about the fragility of my egg and I have to wonder if I need to take some drastic measure to make some very considered and controlled changes in my life to try and mitigate these experiences and circumstances….While I have my family and friends close by they cannot put me back together. Only I can do that….And as I can sometimes be a lazy fucker I don’t want to be putting back together fucking eggshells… I have to wonder do I need to plant some soft grass to cushion my fall…Do I need to tether myself to the fucking wall?…. How can I protect my egg!??

 

 

 

 

38 thoughts on “The Humpty Dumpty phenomena

  1. That was an eggstranory post! It was an eggstravaganza of information and imagery! And I feel eggstra special to have gotten to read It!

    I know these things about you:

    You’re an amazing woman! You’re beautiful! You’re witty! You’re funny as fuck! You’re eggstremely intelligent! And you are developing an amazing balance in your life could create, much less manage!

    I’m sorry for the multitude of past hurts in your life that have done so much to weaken your belief in yourself. But, all of those last occurrences, good or bad, have brought you to THIS moment in your life! You’ve traveled so far in your journey. But you haven’t taken a step back to look at your road map, and assign it the proper respect it deserves, Jad! Look at where you started. Look at where you’re at! YOU did that! You did this amazing journey…alone! On your own two feet, using your own mind and tenacity and drive and Will!

    The woman that did all that can stand tall…and tell those that do these things so casually “Fuck off! I’m Jad!”

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Well you wont be alone at your party no matter how far away i am always there if possible As you know you and your family are family to us now and always. will be . Im sure your party will turn out just dandy 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes this is a strong and powerful post. The egg analogy is clever and apt, as is the extension of the papier mache part. I think you are a brave and honest woman, and while you have so much self awareness you will always be in a better position to beat out demons (over the head and tell them to get them hell away from you). Not sure what the dynamic are Jad, but you clearly have a lot of support. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Texts are not a you thing, believe me. They’re so tiny in value yet their meaning brings so much gratification. They affect everyone, Those who say otherwise are fucking liars. Here’s the thing about eggs. They all crack, but having the capability to understand this and piece yourself back together is strength in itself. don’t trip. You’ll endure.

    The same water that softens the potato can harden the egg. Be unbreakable.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I love that you were able to describe all the different kinds of people in the world to a different kind egg!!!
    I’m fragile like a finch’s egg and like you I’ve tried to paper maiche myself but it’s impossible if something hurts you… it will break through all the layers at once.
    Stay strong, Jad! ♡ Just by reading your posts I believe you’re one of the stronger women I’ve ever known.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Hunida, I really believe adversity creates strength and it is the adversity that has enabled me with the tools and skills to paper mache my egg…I see your own strength in your blogs and in the few short months I have been reading your blogs I see tremendous growth and self exploration from you…..Oh and Hunida…nothing is impossible….improbable maybe, but not impossible. Reach for the stars! They can be reached!!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. OH JAD!!!! How I admire you. You are a force to be reckoned with. Truly. This whole EGG thing had me both pondering not only about the egg that is me, but about the level of genius that you are. Also, the texting and the validation issues- so incredibly true and you’re not alone, my little egg. Don’t let ANY-FUCKING-THING-OR-PERSON crack you! You’re an outer-space egg and not even extraterrestrial beams of laser-bullshit can shake you! You got this. you. GOT. THIS.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Awwww Thanks Ely!! I am working on keeping my egg in tact that is for sure… I am too fucking lazy to put myself back together again!!
      Had to laugh that the extraterrestrial mention… I have made SO many changes to my life in the last 18 months I sometimes wonder if I was actually abducted by aliens and replaced with a clone…Pretty sure my kids think the same thing too. Often my daughter says “Who are you and what have you done with my Mum”

      Liked by 1 person

  7. When one door closes another open Jad. Keep on at it. Sometimes it feels like why ? Why? Why? And then it all falls into place.
    Yes we are eggs. Yes we all fall down and break but the more you get up the better you’re at getting up. I should know I’ve gotten up every single time it’s not easy but it’s the fighter in us. And you’re a fighter.
    You’ve just moved back. Give yourself some time. Can’t rush it if it wasn’t meant to be. Go find a volunteering position. It will keep you busy and it might open doors who knows? 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  8. What an eggcellent analogy! Though I wonder to this day how those poor horses were supposed to handle (hoofle?) the glue.

    Alas, I have no answer for you, being of the crocodile egg variety with a leathery shell and a snappy interior. That doesn’t mean I’m not in awe of the brave people who constantly put the shards back together and soldier on. It’s as much a marvel as a mystery to me.
    On the downside, I tread on eggshells around such gentle creatures (when I notice. Which isn’t always. Crocodile -> China shop. No matter how amiable your intentions, one friendly wag of the tail can wipe out the Ming Dynasty).
    I’m no help, am I?

    But there’s always old Zorba the Greek. When your life’s work has just disintegrated in spectacular fashion, when the egg is in a 1000 pieces … dance!

    Like

  9. What a great post and analogy yet again. It is funny how strong we are externally, even the strongest of us are breakable. We try to get stronger without becoming hard-boiled. If we become too hard, we cannot enjoy life. We cannot love or accept love.
    I have been at what I hope is my most fragile and have been growing in strength ever since and the people I have met on WP had sure helped me continue to grow and strengthen (but not harden) Thanks again for sharing. It will get better and until it does (and even later) continue to share with us, the WP community. What I have discovered in the past few years is how much this sharing helps all of us, not just the author of the piece.

    Like

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