No no no…. Not that type of Bob!!? Well maybe, who the fuck knows?!. I sure as hell don’t and I am the one writing this blog post!!
All I know is that I don’t really have an agenda or a theme for this particular post, I am just going to make the shit up as I go along!! ( I know, I can tell you are almost bored already) but persevere…It might get interesting!
I went to see Grace Jones last night!!! I am not shitting you GRACE fucking JONES!!! Oh MY freaking god!! I am in fucking AWE of that woman!! She is 69 fucking years old and she rocked that fucking stage like she was 20, her vocals were spot on and her stage theatrics phenomenal! During one song, one VERY long song she kept a hula hoop going the entire time. I mean the entire fucking time!! I could probably do that if it was around my neck….Nope scratch that, I would get tired after two fucking minutes!!! One word……Phenomenal!!!!
Update on Mon Capitaine and ARC, normally I would not write about this stuff because it is “My Captains” story not mine but as it kind of sorta effects me and creates all kinds of emotions for me so I am including what parts I think are relevant. To summarize a little this chick has been fucking tiresome to say the least. There have been some situations in which led me to change her name from ARC to wishy washy because that is exactly what she was!! After some drama I thought she was finally out of the picture and I was so relieved because I had gotten to the point where I wanted to scratch her eyes out!! I know really, I am such a bitch!!! But ya see she was fucking with “My Captain” and not in a “good sexy way”….However it turns out (MAM) (this is her new code name and only I will ever know what MAM stands for) is back in the picture and it would seem very likely at some point in the future that My Captain and MAM will have sex….. It would seem I have a LOT of fucking issues to deal with regarding that…fortunately I am happy to say NONE of them are jealousy..!!
Before MAM really started fucking with My Captain too seriously I was hoping they would become fuck buddies, in fact My Captain and I sorta had a bet on which date would be the sex date…. But now the thought of them having a sexual relationship makes me feel physically sick…..But while this issue is VERY real to me…it is MY issue and not “The Captains but if I am being honest with you I am actually really pissed off that I am in this situation.
I know, y’all are as confused as fuck, don’t worry, so am I… welcome to my world!!
Maybe I will try and straighten it out for ya!
It is funny you know, My Captain and I were talking the other day about my blog and he made a comment about how my blog is NOT really a totally honest account and he is correct….But that is ONLY because it is not honest by OMISSION!!
I do not post every single event, situation, emotion etc!! BUT everything you read in it is TOTALLY 100% honesty!!
I post shit that most of y’all would not talk about, I am pretty fucking blunt and open about most things, I have delved into my deepest self any along my journey many of you have gotten to see my RAW emotions but have also experienced the amazing growth that has come with it.
BUT there is stuff I have not talked about, scars that just run to deep, or emotions and actions that I am still just too embarrassed about…. And one of those is something that embarrasses me to NO end and is related to honesty and let me tell you readers…up until this very moment in time I did not think I was going to write about this, and honestly I might even fucking delete it but if I don’t then y’all get to read about a coping behavior of mine that I am mortally ashamed of and have never spoken a word about to anyone before in my life not even my various counselors through out the years.
Okay fuck!!! Sorry…I tried but after 2 hours of attempted writing and deleting I have realized I am just not ready to share but let me say this…It was a “coping behavior” which I CAST off a LONG time ago because it embarrassed me greatly. It was unhealthy and was not truthful to myself and others and there comes a point in time when you realize you can no longer live in that kind of fantasy world…..So why am I bringing this up now!!!
Well….After I found out about MAM this morning it bought up a whole plethora of emotions for me…I talked to My Captain about some and tried to work through some in my head and thought I was making some progress but a short time later while I was in the shower I went through a whole bunch of scenarios in my head, none of which I liked and fuck me dead I found myself slipping back into that old coping mechanism!!
To say I was fucking shocked would be an understatement, it hit me from left field and I am still trying to work out where it came from… I am glad that I recognized it for what it was, I am proud of myself for pulling myself up out of that mess because honestly it would have been SO much fucking easier if I would have allowed myself back down that rabbit hole…. But it has left me having to take the hard road and while Mon Capitaine has said he would do what he can to help me I am not sure that anyone can, it is one of these broken things that I am going to have to fix in myself….
So at the end of the day I am not happy about MAM being back in “Mon Capitaine’s” life but there is nothing I can do or want to do to change it.
My Captain is 10,000 miles away, but no matter where he lives in the world he has the absolute right to live his life how he chooses to live his life and I have to accept this and find ways to cope with the various things that arise in our totally fucked up situation and this is just another one of those ” fucking tiresome bullshit learning experiences” that I have to deal with!!!
Well fuck me dead!! I just proof read this blog post and boy oh boy did I take y’all down a fucking rabbit hole!! Are you still with me Alice!??
I am going to post it for shits and giggles despite the fact that it is the batshit crazy ramblings of a menopausal nymphomaniac and if you actually made it through and read to the end WELL DONE!!!
One last sentence…. I did want to write about my weird day but that may have to be another blog post!! But I will say….for the first time since I have been home in Australia I was lonely…. I have had a lot of times that I have been alone but today I was terribly terribly lonely!!