Just kidding!!! I have discovered that baking is WAY too much fucking hard work!!
So y’all know about my food phobia’s right?! And after 50 something years I have been able to resolve them and now food is a fucking amazing adventure!! right!!?
So since I started eating real food and experimenting so too did I experiment with cooking and let me tell you I am a freaking GREAT cook!! Yes it is true, I really CAN cook!
I used to often be the butt of some jokes mostly about me being able to burn water and my kids will happily tell you that I was not a very inventive cook with most of their dinners coming out of jars or cans, but you know what!! In my defense it is really fucking hard to cook something if you cannot taste it to see if its any good! But since then I have made some incredibly tasty dishes in the past year and I continue to experiment with gusto… I LOVE cooking and I am fucking good at it!!!
So now we have established that I am now a pretty fucking good cook lets move on to baking…..Oh my fucking GOD….WHY?! WhY does ANYONE go to all that trouble when you can just buy that shit pre-made in the stores!!!
In all my years I do not remember EVER baking anything, sadly I was not one of those mothers who put on pretty aprons and baked cakes with their kids, fuck my kids were lucky if they ended up dressed with matching socks and got their hair combed!!
So I have to admit I was pretty excited when a “mother daughter” baking day was organized to make cupcakes for my grandsons birthday party. I mean…oh my fucking flying spaghetti monster, I am 51 years old and I am going to have my FIRST ever baking day with my daughter!! Now I would like to tell you that I fucking shined like a diamond on this little adventure but realistically it was my daughter who shined, I mostly supervised and did clean up…. okay I didn’t really supervise… I just mostly did the clean up!!
But hey!! These cakes looked and tasted fucking awesome and at the end of the day I baked cakes with my daughter…It doesn’t matter that it was 40 something years too late I fucking did it and the experience was a LOT of fun!!
So riding high on the success of the cupcakes what do y’all think my fucked up brain decided to go and do….Yeah!! somehow, I have NO idea how, my demented brain thought it would be a great idea to make a lemon meringue pie……FROM SCRATCH!!
I mean what the fuck!! I barely baked a fucking cupcake, my daughter truly did MOST of the work and here I seriously thought I was Susie fucking homemaker and was now capable of making a lemon meringue pie from scratch!! Honestly…I don’t know what gets into me sometimes!!
Anyway I researched recipes and found one online, originally I was going to do the Betty Crocker one but the ingredients were all in American format and I did not want to have to convert everything so I chose this website
A big clue should have been the sheer number of ingredients and the long list of instructions but it was like I was a “woman on a mission” and common fucking sense did not play a part in this adventure!!
A trip to the supermarket and $30 less money in my wallet I had the required list of ingredients some of which I had never heard of… I mean seriously!!! Cream of tartare…what the fuck is a tartare and how did they cream it?! Let me tell you, that shit is powder!! There is NO cream in sight!!! I spent fucking 25 minutes searching the fridge section for “CREAM” of tartare before I had to ask someone!!
Armed with a plethora of ingredients for my $30 fucking dollar lemon meringue pie I headed home for my baking adventure!! I started to make the pie at around 4 pm on a Monday afternoon…..I finished the fucking pie at 10 pm that night. I am not fucking kidding you!! SIX freaking hours!!!
I was not baking the entire time, y’all have to do things in stages, make the pastry and then let that fucker sit in the fridge for an hour while you tap your feet…the entire fuck pie is like that, do a little bit then wait, do a bit more then wait!!! Some of you might know this about me but patience is not always my strong point!!
After just making the pastry crust before even rolling it out I decided I was NEVER fucking making this pie again even if eating it induced orgasms….Just the crust was WAY too much fucking work!! AND when I finally took it out of the fridge after tapping my feet for an hour it was too freaking hard to roll and kept crumbling. I had posted it on Facebook and luckily my sister came to the rescue and told me to wet my hands, roll the dough back in a ball and my wet hands to add the moisture it needed… Holy mother of fuckery it worked!!….Let me state NOW for the record that was the ONLY help that I was given…The rest of this baking adventure was ALL mine!!
I do have to say that even though this was a total fucking nightmare and I cursed…..! A LOT there were 2 times during the making of this pie that I actually cried… I know right! I am such a fucking woos but it is really hard to explain what it felt like to go through life believing that I was really really shit at something and then discovering that I CAN do it after all and I CAN succeed!! Twice during the creating of this masterpiece when things came together exactly as the recipe said it should I cried tears of happiness and I have to admit a little bit of pride!!
So after 6 hours, the destruction of my kitchen, a shit ton of swear words and a tiny weeny bit of help from my sister and a whole fucking load of determination here are the results…. The pie tastes fucking FANTASTIC!! I know because I ate a slice for breakfast… Feast your eyes on the ONLY lemon meringue pie I am EVER going to make!!!
Oh….. One more thing!! Y’all know that I legally changed my name right, it used to be Susan so the “Susie homemaker” reference is pretty funny because I have always been FAR from it….. Seems that ditching the name Susan has had the opposite effect and is moving me slowly to Susie homemaker status…. I mean seriously look the fuck what I did when I was having a guest come stay with me!!! I need a fucking job!! I have WAY too much time on my hands!!!