Swings and roundabouts!!

Sometimes I feel like I have kinda screwed myself by sharing my blog with so many people who actually know me… I try very hard NOT to let it limit my writing but it is like a balancing act or walking a tightrope because there are things I want to write about but don’t want to upset, offend or hurt people who may read it OR sometimes I just feel like I while I want to write about certain things I don’t really want specific people to know about that shit in my head….or sometimes there is stuff I want them to know but cannot find the words and perhaps I take the chickens way out and blog about it!!!

I think this blog post is going to be a bit of a combination of all 3 of these things that may or may not have an affect on my family, friends and the 2 men in my life but you know what… This blog is my therapy and if you are one of those people and you don’t want to risk being hurt, upset, offended, pissed off, or concerned then quit reading now….easy as that!!!

100 days!!! That is how long I have been home in Australia!! FUCK it has been hard!!
I knew it was going to be hard, I knew that there was going to be an adjustment, I knew there was going to be some reverse culture shock, I knew there would be a LOT about America that I was going to miss… BUT I thought that the absolute joy and pleasure of being home with my family and friends would counter balance all of that and I honestly did not expect it to be THIS hard!!

Maybe my expectations are out of whack? Maybe my expectations were/are so fucking unrealistic and that I have been deluding myself the whole time….who the fuck knows!!

I did not expect it to take me this long to find a job.
I did not expect the contact with my American friends and family to become so minimal.
I did not expect to spend so little time with some of my Australian friends.
I did not expect to have a hole inside me the size of the grand canyon where “My Captain” was.
I did not expect menopause to hit me at the shittiest time ever.
I did not expect to miss a lot of American foods.
I did not expect to miss the American lifestyle so very much.
I did not expect to get into any type of relationship so quickly let alone a somewhat confusing one.
And…….I did not expect to spend so many nights sitting eating dinner on my own.

Fuck!!! And that my readers it what it seems to come down too….After finally coming home to my friends and family I did not expect to feel so alone!!

I feel like I have swapped the loneliness that I felt in America for loneliness in Australia which has actually shocked me because I guess realistically or not I expected being home with my family and friends would make that loneliness complete go away!! And let’s be totally fucking honest with you…. I have NO clue HOW to fix this!!

I know after spending 31 of my 50 years of life married I had to teach myself how to be alone after Terry died and I think I made some good progress in that regard but I think there is a difference between being alone (which I fucking love my alone time) and being lonely…!! And I just do not know how to fix being lonely!!….Maybe I should buy a freaking puppy!!!

Realistically I know that without a job I just have WAY too many fucking hours in my day and maybe things will settle down once I am gainfully employed but in the meantime I feel myself slipping into a depression which frustrates the absolute fucking fuck out of me!! I am pissed at myself for allowing myself to get this way!! I mean what the fuck, I am home with my family, I get to spend time with my kids, my grandkids and my mum!! What fucking right to I have to feel freaking depressed about anything?!!

Huh!!! Crazy!! I thought this blog post was actually going to be very different when I first started writing it, in fact I had the entire fucking thing written in my head for the last week or two and it was WAY different to what I have actually written but I stopped myself from writing it last week to ensure it was not coming from a crazy menopausal mind. The patches are working wonderfully and my ramblings come from my own personal batshit crazy brain so I cannot use menopause as an excuse!!!

I can keep rambling but you know what, I am done for now!!! This is not the blog post I wanted it to be, it is not what I expected I was going to write but it is what I wrote so for better or for worse I am going to post it!!

Sorry for the depressing bullshit, I am working on it!! I promise!!

 

47 thoughts on “Swings and roundabouts!!

  1. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time, Jad. Loneliness is a bitch we all live with from time to time. Some more than others. I know you’ll find your path through all of this, and come out to the other side all bright and shiny! I have the utmost believe in you!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. It sounds like you are really going through a tough time, Jad. Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. And, when I was at my lowest…I went out and got two puppies, and let me tell you…they are bringing me back to life! I got two so that they wouldn’t be alone when I was at work and it is working out beautifully. In any case, hoping the sun shines on you soon my friend!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Nora, I am sure your puppies bring you a lot of joy. Every now and then I think of another dog but then I remember the absolute heartbreak when I lost Bella and my vow never to let that happen again so a puppy is probably not the answer for me. Thanks for your kind words!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I understand Jad, I really do. I had my first furry companion for 16 years, and then my next one (who was the freakin’ love of my life) for 14 years. The latter had a lot of health issues and we went thru a lot together. After I lost her, I really didn’t think that I would get another dog…but here I am, with two puppies…and they have saved me. Please know that I am certainly not trying to push you into anything. If/When you are ready for a new fur baby, you’ll know. Sending you lots of love ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thanks Nora, I know how much joy fur babies can bring. When my Bella was hit by a car it was devastating and I swore no more dogs ever but then I got Missy but when Terry and I split up it was easier for her to go with Terry because I was coming home to Australia. I was gutted. I know you are thinking of me and I really appreciate the sentiments. I just do not see me wanting to go through it again but hey never say never right!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Not easy trying to fit back in again. Made me question to what extent I ever really did. It can be a valuable process though that not many get the opportunity to go through.
    Through the death’s of my brother and other close friends who were all integral to my social and peer support, I was pretty much wiped by most. I was recently told that I never tried to contact many of them though that is not true. I was wiped and stonewalled. My health, especially physically, has only improved so this long after I am not exactly going away and I carry a lot of truth.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think it would be easier to fit in if I came back the same person but I didn’t. I left Susan behind under a rock somewhere and came back as Jad!!
      I think I also have some unreasonable expectations and I just need to work through them.

      Liked by 2 people

      • The best success is doing it without all the freeloaders, takers, and hangers on.
        Look after yourself. Keep a healthy routine and you get compound interest while they all reveal themselves.
        I’m standing on the outside looking in.
        A room full of money I was born to win.
        And no amount of pain is gonna get me out the door 🦊🎶🎶🎸

        Liked by 2 people

    • Wow 5 years is a darned long time to wait!! At the moment I sometimes feel like I am struggling to get from day to day!! I know I am going to make it and that it will turn out okay in the end because of the type of person I am, I always bounce back. I just sometimes wish that life was not always so challenging for me….don’t get me wrong, I love a good challenge, I just need some fun ones for a bit!!

      Liked by 3 people

  4. Unfortunately, the loneliness and the shellshock make sense for the reasons you listed. I’m sorry it’s so difficult right now… but I’m sure in time it will get better. And, yes, a job will help! Fingers crossed you’ll find a great one soon. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Loneliness is worse when you’re surrounded by people. Without knowing you or your family or friends I can only make assumptions but people change and people make new connections and new routines. So a new you is trying to fit in with people who have changed and filled up the Jad shaped holes in their lives with other people and other things. It’s hard. A job would help as right now you have way too much time and empty space on your hands. You’ve also had massive transitions with every aspect of your life. Be kind and gentle on yourself and those around you. Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

    • That is so very true!! I left Australia 13 years ago a very different person, I was unhappy, emotionally damaged and lacking any confidence…my name was Susan!! I returned with confidence and an entirely different way of thinking and my name is Jad…Sometimes I feel like people are looking for Susan but to be totally honest with you I think the bigger thing is I have WAY too much time on my hands and after 20 years of a rewarding and fulfilling career to nothing is very demoralizing…Thanks for commenting, trying to be gentle on myself but honestly I think I need a swift kick up the arse!!

      Liked by 3 people

    • A puppy would be awesome except I know I could not do it to myself again after losing my Bella, besides I am looking for a job and not fair to leave a puppy home alone all day…. Maybe one day I will get to your neck of the woods again and you can take me to one of those restaurants y’all keep going to 🙂

      Like

  6. Yeah a job will help , You’ve done an amazing job with your life and this will work out too, You’ve come back a totally different person . Be really really proud xx

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Jad, my blog is set to private now due to a breach. Someone named ‘wacentral7980’ has been requesting access. Is that you??? I’m not approving anyone unless I’m absolutely sure it’s not the breach offender.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I get lonely sometimes. It doesn’t last long anymore. I really don’t expect much from anyone these days and I like setting my own goals. Work can help that though in most workplaces I encounter the same patterns of other people. My reaction to it has developed whether theirs does or doesn’t. I found in my regular employment that most businesses are essentially sheltered workshops that don’t run very efficiently. The same sex marriage debate never interested me because of all the gay colleagues I have had every single one of them went there to do their job and did it well. Normal people (whatever that means) can make a sociopolitical issue out of anything that ultimately the owner and the customer foot the bill for.
    Obviously with observations like this you can see why I get paid well to stay away from work.
    Money should never be a prime reason for working. I can see how a healthy workplace would benefit you right now. Just remember that they will be lucky to have you.
    They need you more than you ever need them. Something good will come your way because it should.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, I have to believe that something good will come my way and all the jobs I did not get are because they are not the right jobs for me….Mon Capitaine said they are jobs that I do not have to quit!! I want to believe that but it does get disheartening when I open my email to yet another rejection.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have probably snatched more jobs more spectacularly than anyone. Before the AFL I would never have believed it were possible to snatch a volunteer position with much effect.
        The entitlement of useless males who bitch more than Cosmo and have never fought for their lives ever, have made so much possible 😅
        Get behind the Bombers tonight and the Hirds always.

        Liked by 1 person

      • If it doesn’t…. I will come and volunteer somewhere holding you back and they won’t have the fiscal structure to outplay my politics. Then one day….. whoops! Perfect attendance disappears and I accidentally go surfing

        Liked by 1 person

      • If you don’t drink or use drugs, keep great health (bar the meshuga), you will out party every would be 🤣
        Dax was the coolest character in that universe

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Loneliness is an awful feeling. I wish you luck in finding a job soon. That will help! You could also join a church or community centre. These usually have classes or events where you can meet people. Hope you feel connected soon!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Swapping countries is hard Jad, especially after 13 years- and I can testify that I found Adelaide quite a ‘cliquey’ little place, and not that welcoming at first. I truly reckon it takes a minimum of a year to re-settle, and sometimes 2… A job would REALLY help! Why don’t you volunteer though: at a pet refuge, at a homeless soup kitchen, with a group of knitters- whatever suits your interests? That will keep you busy- what about at your grandchildren’s preschool canteen, or help with reading lessons etc- use your energy for good not evil : ))

    Hope it gets better soon, hugs, G xx

    Like

  11. If I could be there in a heartbeat, you know I would.
    I am always only a FB message away.
    I miss knowing you are on THIS side of the puddles.
    and I wish I would have met you sooner so we could have connected in Chicago/Texas or parts between.
    You ARE loved Jad. Never forget that.

    Liked by 1 person

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