Sometimes I feel like I have kinda screwed myself by sharing my blog with so many people who actually know me… I try very hard NOT to let it limit my writing but it is like a balancing act or walking a tightrope because there are things I want to write about but don’t want to upset, offend or hurt people who may read it OR sometimes I just feel like I while I want to write about certain things I don’t really want specific people to know about that shit in my head….or sometimes there is stuff I want them to know but cannot find the words and perhaps I take the chickens way out and blog about it!!!
I think this blog post is going to be a bit of a combination of all 3 of these things that may or may not have an affect on my family, friends and the 2 men in my life but you know what… This blog is my therapy and if you are one of those people and you don’t want to risk being hurt, upset, offended, pissed off, or concerned then quit reading now….easy as that!!!
100 days!!! That is how long I have been home in Australia!! FUCK it has been hard!!
I knew it was going to be hard, I knew that there was going to be an adjustment, I knew there was going to be some reverse culture shock, I knew there would be a LOT about America that I was going to miss… BUT I thought that the absolute joy and pleasure of being home with my family and friends would counter balance all of that and I honestly did not expect it to be THIS hard!!
Maybe my expectations are out of whack? Maybe my expectations were/are so fucking unrealistic and that I have been deluding myself the whole time….who the fuck knows!!
I did not expect it to take me this long to find a job.
I did not expect the contact with my American friends and family to become so minimal.
I did not expect to spend so little time with some of my Australian friends.
I did not expect to have a hole inside me the size of the grand canyon where “My Captain” was.
I did not expect menopause to hit me at the shittiest time ever.
I did not expect to miss a lot of American foods.
I did not expect to miss the American lifestyle so very much.
I did not expect to get into any type of relationship so quickly let alone a somewhat confusing one.
And…….I did not expect to spend so many nights sitting eating dinner on my own.
Fuck!!! And that my readers it what it seems to come down too….After finally coming home to my friends and family I did not expect to feel so alone!!
I feel like I have swapped the loneliness that I felt in America for loneliness in Australia which has actually shocked me because I guess realistically or not I expected being home with my family and friends would make that loneliness complete go away!! And let’s be totally fucking honest with you…. I have NO clue HOW to fix this!!
I know after spending 31 of my 50 years of life married I had to teach myself how to be alone after Terry died and I think I made some good progress in that regard but I think there is a difference between being alone (which I fucking love my alone time) and being lonely…!! And I just do not know how to fix being lonely!!….Maybe I should buy a freaking puppy!!!
Realistically I know that without a job I just have WAY too many fucking hours in my day and maybe things will settle down once I am gainfully employed but in the meantime I feel myself slipping into a depression which frustrates the absolute fucking fuck out of me!! I am pissed at myself for allowing myself to get this way!! I mean what the fuck, I am home with my family, I get to spend time with my kids, my grandkids and my mum!! What fucking right to I have to feel freaking depressed about anything?!!
Huh!!! Crazy!! I thought this blog post was actually going to be very different when I first started writing it, in fact I had the entire fucking thing written in my head for the last week or two and it was WAY different to what I have actually written but I stopped myself from writing it last week to ensure it was not coming from a crazy menopausal mind. The patches are working wonderfully and my ramblings come from my own personal batshit crazy brain so I cannot use menopause as an excuse!!!
I can keep rambling but you know what, I am done for now!!! This is not the blog post I wanted it to be, it is not what I expected I was going to write but it is what I wrote so for better or for worse I am going to post it!!
Sorry for the depressing bullshit, I am working on it!! I promise!!