So now I am on this crazy arse swing complete with highs and lows!!
While writing my blog yesterday I ugly cried copious tears, before even reading my blog Mon Capitaine knew something was up. When I finished writing he read my blog and then I called him and let it all spill out where I cried more copious tears.
I spent well over an hour on the phone with him where the roundabout of emotions I was on slowed and slowed until eventually it came to almost a complete stop. Which was a good thing really because I could no longer breathe through my nose and it was so sore tissues began to feel like fucking sandpaper!!
My Captain had many wonderful suggestions about things that I could do…Things that I had control of to improve my situation. One of the biggest suggestions was to look for activities to meet people and increase my social circle, I did not realize until we talked that I had been waiting to get a job to meet new people….!
He also suggested yoga!! I am still on the fence about that… fucking yoga!! Heck I will get on the floor try one of those positions and then need the jaws of life to extricate me from whatever position I manage to twist myself into!!
By the end of the phone call I felt like I was in a much better place and feeling more positive about my situation….My Captain gets me!! He knows me so well and knows exactly what I need to hear and he also has no problems in putting things in perspective for me even if it means pulling me up on something!!
Even though I felt much better after speaking to Mon Capitaine as the day wore on I started to sink back down again, I tried to do shit to keep myself occupied but I could still feel myself slipping into depression and let me tell you…I do not do well with feeling that way. I get fucking irritated with myself. My inner bitch and I have raging conversations and I end up pissed off and disgusted at myself for being such a waa waa baby!!….So now I am feeling sad and pissed!!
I had a brief text exchange with the Pink Panther and we arranged a time to meet on Saturday, his work and kids schedule as well as the distance that he lives away from me makes it challenging to schedule time but Saturday was doable. It meant a lot of travelling for him for a short amount of time but he said “I was worth it” I was excited to see him but in all honesty really disappointed in that it was only going to be for 3 – 4 hours….So I was left with confused feelings…I was happy that he felt I was worth all of that travel and glad that I was going to see him but also I felt a little like I was being squeezed in between other things in his incredibly busy life and I was not sure if “being squeezed in” made me feel special enough that he wanted to squeeze me in, or disappointed that I was being “squeezed in”
After my text with the Pink Panther not only am I still feeling sad and pissed I am also feeling excited and dejected!! Seriously..what the fuck!
Now if that is not enough lets add worry to the mix!! Mon Capitaine ALWAYS texts me goodnight. He told me he was going to watch a new series and he would text me when it was done….I waited…. I waited…. I waited!!! I had sent him several texts, no response!
I figured the series was so fucking boring he fell asleep but there is also that thought in the back of my mind that something happened to him…and fucked if I could stop that thought from constantly creeping forward!!! I kept trying to push the sucker back but there it was…in the forefront again!!
Sad, pissed, excited, dejected and worried!!!
Sir texted me!! I feel incredibly lucky that we have always remained friends and he sometimes reminds me that I still belong to him…. no no no….Not in a yucky possessive way!! Y’all know we were in a D/s relationship right!! Well one day ( a few months ago) we were texting about something and he told me that I had not asked to be released…. I thought oh wow ummmm… now that would have been a perfect opportunity to ask to be released but I did not. For whatever reason I liked the comfort that gave me!!
So we still text, sometimes we can go for a week or more without texting but he seems to have a radar on me and last night he texted me and basically asked me what was going on…He knew things were somehow off in my life!! I told him a little of what was going on and he told me I needed to do some exercise…What the fuck!!! Dude!! I am depressed and you want me to go take a walk!!!?? Eventually he convinced me that it would be a good thing and I thought I could incorporate one of Mon Capitaine’s ideas of journalling on the beach with perhaps a beach walk…but fuck me dead if by the end of the conversation Sir had extracted a promise from me of taking a walk on the beach the following the morning…. He also tried for meditation but I was not buying into that one!!
After texting with Sir and promising a morning beach walk I had another brief text exchange with the Pink Panther. Earlier in the afternoon I had texted him and told him that I wanted to talk about a couple of things when he had time…He had texted me a few hours later that he was a lull at work and had a little time but by then I was feeling even more down and told him I did not think a conversation was a good idea at that point. We talked briefly about my plans for the next day where I told him of my beach walk and then we said goodnight.
I tossed and turned for an hour or so before I eventually fell asleep to be woken up by a phone call in the middle of the night…It was the Pink Panther and he was at my front door!!! I opened the door and was instantly embraced. He told me that he read my blog and that I needed cuddles…!!!
OMFG….I was totally floored!! He drove ALL the way to my house after a LONG arse shift at work because I needed cuddles. Every fraction of doubt that I was feeling in regards to our unusual relationship instantly dissolved… I will be honest with you….because of the Pink Panthers very busy life there were times I felt like an afterthought and even though I felt like I had no rights to complain considering the nature of our relationship nobody likes to feel like an afterthought!!
In one very considerate, sweet, unselfish and meaningful act the Pink Panther had totally dissolved that feeling…I mean seriously, he would not have gone to all that trouble if I was just an afterthought in his life. It was an incredibly sweet gesture and romantic too, I mean for real, he drives all the way to my house after a long shift at work because I needed to be held!!!
He informed me he was there for cuddles only (no sex) so after climbing into bed I laid with my head on his chest and talked, listened and soaked his chest hairs with my tears. I cried like that for nearly an hour before once again the booger patrol took my nasal passages hostage and I could no longer breathe so we changed the subject and started talking about more pleasant things….Despite the Pink Panthers firm resolve at (no sex)… Eventually… after a lot of gentle caressing where I wantonly admit to caressing his balls (a lot) he succumbed to my pelvic sorcery!!
Let me tell you…endorphins released by multiple orgasms is better than any antidepressant….someone should bottle that shit!!
After a solid 5 hours of sex induced sleep I woke up in the morning and went to get this damn freaking promised beach walk over and done with!!
WTF!!! I ran almost the entire length of 2 beaches, from one end to the other…I mean it…most of the time I RAN!! It was fucking amazing and I cannot wait to go again!!
As a result of my blog I also had a few friends reach out to me…I set up times to get together with them for various activities and when I told Mon Capitaine about it he said
“So, your friends are reacting to your needs, because you voiced them out loud….Imagine that”
He is so right!! I need to do a better job of communicating my needs to my friends!!
At the end of the day despite my situation and my many challenges, I have to recognize just how fucking lucky I am.
3 men in my life care enough about me and know me well enough to know exactly what I need and do what they can even from a distance to help take care of my needs and some incredibly awesome friends who reacted so positively and reached out to me…! And some awesome fellow bloggers who gave me many words of support and encouragement and love!!
I feel so loved and blessed and I want y’all to know I am working on making some positive changes so that my situation does not continue to affect my mental health!!