Whilst I am still playing around on the swings and roundabouts it seems that I am now doing it in the devils playground!! Truly! I am not shitting you!!
On Saturday I went to a wine and food festival with a friend….I know…It’s true…My friends DO want to spend time with me and all I had to do was ask!!
Anyway…we went to a wine and food festival and was sitting down with said friend watching a cooking demonstration when this woman walked up and stood between our chairs. She talked to my friend first who happened to mention to this woman that I just got back from America and then all of a sudden this woman was incredibly interested in me. She seemed to be very intrigued, asking loads of questions until finally it clicked into place when she told me I needed to find a man, settle down and get married… No no…it was not like that, she was not trying to set me up with her ugly brother or dead beat husband…Nope….not at all….She was trying to save my soul!!! Yup, she really fucking was. It seems that I am a fornicator and that If I do not ask god for forgiveness, find a man and get married then I am going to hell…holy mother of fuckery I sure do hope they FUCK in hell because there is NO fucking hell I am ever getting married again!! Been there, done that twice, bought the fucking t-shirt and could not get a refund so nope!! Never doing it again!
ANYWAY!! Let me please apologize in advance to ANYONE who has a religion or faith of ANY kind!! I am not meaning to offend you and this post is NOT about bashing your beliefs. I totally and completely respect ANYONE’S right to believe or not believe in any deity they wish….This post is about me also having equal rights to my own beliefs… and what I don’t like or appreciate, when I am trying to enjoy sunshine, food, friendship and a glass of wine is a hypocrite telling me I am going to hell for my sins!!!
When I realized what she was up to I stopped talking to her and started concentrating on the cooking demonstration. A short time later I noticed she had taken a notepad out of her purse and was furiously writing. The entire page was filled with stuff like “Jesus loves you” “Ask and he will forgive your sins” etc etc and I am thinking holy fuck this is NOT going to end well…..If this crazy bitch tries to give me this piece of paper after she has finished scribbling her ramblings on it I am either going to ram it down her throat or I am going to stick it down the back of my shorts, wipe my arse on it and hand it back!!
Fortunately she did not hand me the paper and a short time later she slithered off to whence she had come which was a really good thing as I was just getting ready to tell her my name was Jad…. “J-A-D” roughly translated to “Just a Devil” and that I had the devils number 666 in my birth date!!
Speaking of the name Jad do y’all know how many times I have to fucking spell my name, I mean seriously!! Now don’t get me wrong, I do not mind having to spell my full name Jadziah, I get it, it’s a little tricky!! But JAD, oh for fucks sake!! I have actually started saying J-A-D – Just A Devil…rhymes with BAD….Oh!!! And when I do have to use my full name Jadziah you would not believe how many people ask me what ethnicity it is.. I have started saying it is TRILL, not ONE single person has questioned it, I am sure they are too fucking embarrassed to admit they have ZERO clue as to what ethnicity TRILL actually is and they wont admit to it!!
Wow!!! what a digression… Oh well it was interesting as fuck right?!
So anyway I am not sure if this lady and her scrawlings was actually some magic spell to make sure I am punished for my fornication or if I just hit the bad luck jackpot….But fuck me dead if the next day I did not get my phone stolen. To say I am absolutely GUTTED is an understatement!! Not for the phone, I don’t give two fucks about that but I had an entire memory card full of photos in that phone. I mean serious fucking photos!!…ALL GONE!!…Including some photos related to fornicating!!!
I had a lot of well meaning people make comments on Facebook etc about how I should have backed them up and I am thinking like “Yeah right.. thanks”….. As if I am NOT already thinking about what I SHOULD have fucking done!!
But see here is the thing, I LOVE taking photos, I literally take hundreds, I am also incredibly OCD when it comes to my photos so they are all neatly filed in folders on this wonderful little memory card that I slotted into the phone…Google could not keep up with backing up the sheer number of photos I took and would often freeze so I disabled it….I always figured if something went wrong with the phone I could always put the memory card in another phone… Never in a millions years did the thought “well what if someone steals your phone” pop into my head!! Fucking thieving bastards!!
So I called the local police station and filed a report over the phone…After describing the incident to the officer he then said ” Now I need to ask you what may seem like a rather inappropriate question” ” What are you wearing”?…. OMG…Did he seriously just ask me that?!…I am thinking woohooo I love a man in uniform!!!….Just kidding….
I knew exactly what me meant and I very respectfully responded to his question by saying “interestingly enough my answer is going to sound rather inappropriate”…. I then described my attire at the time of the theft..
Daisy dukes (had to interpret to booty shorts) black singlet, open plaid red and black shirt, thigh high suede
fuck me boots.
I must say he managed to keep his cool but he did ask if I was also wearing a stetson!!
He pretty much ended the conversation by saying they were going to check out the CCTV in the store and with what I was wearing I should be pretty easy to spot!!…That entire conversation was probably the highlight to my otherwise totally shitty day!!
Okay well I think enough is enough for one day, sorry if I depressed or offended or bored you to fucking tears, I kinda sorta depressed and bored the shit out of myself writing it!!
I need some sex to write about!!! Oh wait, I do have some incredible sex updates…well fuck….Will you look at that, this post is already WAY too long…Oh well!!! I will have to write about my sexcapades next time!! Stay tuned for “Sensation play” coming soon too a blog post near you!!!