It is true!! I really do! And I don’t mean a delicious spanking, I mean someone needs to give me a bloody good smack on the butt and tell me to get my shit together!!
I am feeling a little frustrated with myself right now if you can’t tell….So what bought this on I hear you ask?! What? You didn’t ask!! Oh well never mind because I am gonna tell ya anyway!
Y’all know of the HUGE adjustments in my life right? If you don’t well tough titties, I am not going to go over it again. You can either read on in ignorance, go back and read the last few blogs or quit reading this post, totally up to you!!
Anyway leading up to Easter weekend I thought it was going to be absolutely miserable, my daughter and grandkids were going away camping so I was like well fuck!! Its Easter and NO grandkids, this is going to suck royal arse but it actually didn’t!!!
In fact my 4 day weekend was totally filled with activities. Friday my Sons came over and spent the day with me and we baked…It’s really true!! A couple of weeks ago I baked with my daughter for the first time ever and now all of a sudden I am Betty Crockers long lost sister baking with my two grown sons.
Saturday I went to Costco and got my American fix, honestly every time when I walk in that store it is like coming home!! Later in the afternoon a friend came for coffee which led to another coffee and another until 4 or 5 hours later she figured she really did have a home to go to.
On Sunday I met up with a fellow blogger and spent a lovely few hours in a beautiful woodlands/lake setting chatting and generally enjoying each others company.
Went to Bingo Sunday night with a friend who had never been before, loads of fun!!
Finally Monday the Pink Panther came over in the morning after work, we played for a bit then he went to sleep while I went out to some wonderful markets with some close friends and had a lovely lunch in a local pub before coming home to spend a few more hours with the Pink Panther before he headed back to work…
See!! I mean shoot, that was some weekend FULL of activities right!!!
So why the fuck do I feel so flat!!? I mean really WHY??!! I am so fucking mad with myself.!
I know myself well enough to suspect that I probably have a little bit of depression possibly related to menopause, my gut tells me not, but anyway I am pissed either way because it is really fucking with my life!!
Today I acted like an absolute fucking idiot!! It is true I did. A little back story first!!
My good friend who came round on Saturday has experiences in her past which eerily and uncannily are very similar to some of mine. I think the most stark and scariest is that her sibling committed suicide within a few years of my sister committing suicide and both of their reasoning’s for the suicide are incredibly similar…These shared experiences have bonded us over the years like no other and I have had conversations with her and shared pieces of myself with her that I have never shared with another because when she says she understands….She really truly fucking does!!
Anyway on Saturday we talked about some of our history which bought up somethings that I honestly had thought I resolved but seemingly have not and my thoughts have been very focused on that…I mean to the point of almost obsession…I know I have to work through it like I have worked through every fucking shitty horrible thing that has happened to me but FUCK it all sometimes I feel like I just don’t have the energy!!
True or not… I am blaming this and my current obsessive feelings on this issue on what happened next… I need to blame something right!! because I cannot admit to being a total fucking idiot all by myself right!!?
Anyway…Mon Capitaine sent me a text to say he having a work related meeting with MaM and asked me to trust him…simple request right!?
I wish I could say that was the end of it… he had the meeting and blah blah done… But nope!! My fucked up batshit crazy brain went down another path and within 30 minutes I had convinced myself she would continue with her manipulation and they would end up back in his hotel room having sex… I mean I seriously fucking convinced myself this was going to happen…Reality was he had very brief business meeting end of story!!
If that was not enough my batshit crazy brain had to go and admit to Mon Capitaine what direction it headed in!! I mean seriously, sometimes I just need to keep that shit to myself…I really fucking do!! Anyway at the end of the day I am really disappointed in myself for two reasons…firstly MC asked me to trust him and I should have given him that trust and respect and secondly quite frankly if he did choose to go have sex with MaM that would be his choice and would be none of my fucking business…it would not be betrayal on his part no matter how I wanted to look at it….I Seriously need to get my shit together!! For real!
Having said all this I am going to try and be a little gentle with myself because like I said I do feel like there is a little depression or some shit going on and quite honestly it is no fucking wonder.
I did a little online test of the common stress factors that can cause illness and I charted off the scale….I am not shitting you…AND…that was after I gave up counting all that shit, I mean really I quit because it was getting a little fucking ridiculous…besides, they did not even have one for “moved to another country” because how often does someone fucking do that!!!
There was also nothing about getting on a plane and leaving behind the man you love, or trying to maintain a long distance love affair not to fucking mention having an intimate relationship with another man…I mean fucking hell all this shit must be worth at least another 200 freaking points!!
Here are some of my answers!!! All of these occurred in the last 3 years, most in the last 1 or 2
- Death of spouse 100
- Divorce 73
- Marital separation 65
- Death of a close Family member 63
- Dismissal from work 47
- Change in health of family member 44
- Change in financial state 38
- Outstanding personal achievement 28
- Change in living conditions 25
- Revisions of personal habits 24
- Trouble with boss 23
- Change in residence 20 x 3
- Change in recreational, social or religious activities 19
- Change in the number of family get together’s 15
- Change in eating habits 15
- Vacation 13
300 or above – high risk of illness
150 – 299 – moderate risk of illness
less than 150 – slight risk for illness
My score was 657 (without finishing the test or all the extra bullshit)….. So this is why I have to try to be a little kinder to myself because going by this test my heart should have probably said what the fuckity fuck fuck and given up on my be now!!
I know I am a strong person, I really do, but it is times like this I get mad at myself because I feel weak and I hate feeling that way!!
I am going to work through it, I am giving it one week and if I cannot get my shit together in one week I will go see my doctor.
I have to keep reminding myself through all this I am really blessed, I have lots of people in my life who really truly care about me!!
The beautiful flowers for my “featured image” today were a gift from my sweet sweet daughter because she knows carnations are one of my favorite flowers and she figured I needed something in my day to make me smile and also to let me know she is thinking of me.
Fuck I love her!!