Okay first I have to throw a couple of housekeeping things out there!!
1) While this blog post may seem like I lost focus again I have not!! I am very cognizant in my thinking and feel like I am in a healthy place in regards to this issue.
2) Mon Capitaine has told me many times that I can write what I want in this blog…I hope that he truly meant it because I need to resolve this in my own mind and my hope is that writing this blog will help!
Mon Capitaine and I had a huge fight a few days ago…our biggest one ever and interestingly enough every single fight that we have had in our relationship which requires makeup sex that we can’t have has been in some way related to MaM.
The Captain’s resolution to this issue is that he has taken the stance that from now until hell freezes he will not mention her again, he will not discuss anything about her period!! Work related or otherwise. His feeling is that I am obsessing over her and that it is making me become someone he is not enjoying.
Am I obsessing over her? Probably so!!
Sometimes I feel like I know why and other times I feel like it doesn’t make sense but you see that is the whole thing of it!!
Mon Capitaine’s behaviors and reactions to her have not made sense and I think this partially contributes to my feelings about her.
One thing I have always been able to depend 100% on is his honesty and let me stress I do not for a minute believe that My Captain has been dishonest with me BUT I do feel like his reactions have not been totally honest!!! I know, I know it makes no fucking sense but let me explain!!
It is like when you are in a funk and someone asks if you are okay and you say yes…But really you are not…You might not be intentionally dishonest, fuck you might not even know why you are in a funk but the easiest answer is to say “yes you are okay”
That similar type of situation has happened to us many times where MaM is involved.
His “reactions” to her “Actions” affected our “interactions” on many many occasions.
For example on one occasion where she had once again stood him up we talked about it and he said he was over it and that he had nothing invested in her…The following day he was moody and sullen, our text conversation was very one sided, I asked a couple of times through out the day if he was okay and I was assured he was fine and he was over it but our conversations continued to be awkward and distant to the point where I felt there was an issue with US…. When I finally told him I felt like our text conversations were one sided he asked me to go through our texts and tell him where he could have contributed differently so I did….It totally freaking pissed me off that he asked me to do that but I did it!!!…I went through our fucking texts and gave him examples of where he had plenty of opportunities to contribute further….Anyway to cut a long story short it turned out MaM’s actions affected him more than he initially “realized or let on” and his reactions to her actions affected our interactions.
Now I would like to say my current feelings towards MaM are totally altruistic and I feel this way because she hurt “My Captain” on many occasions… But unfortunately that would not be honest of me…Sure it pisses me off a great deal…Like a mother bear defending her cub type of pisses me off…. But mostly my feelings towards her is because when Mon Capitaine is engaging with her in whatever capacity he is not the man I know!!! He told me recently that petite blonde green eyed woman is his Kryptonite and I guess that must be true because he certainly does things and reacts in ways that are most certainly out of character for him when it comes to MaM..!!
So now why the fuck has this come up again!??
Well this morning he told me he was delayed at the site because he was going over the final clean with the contractor….Last I knew, before MaM was banned from our conversation she had bid for the final clean…I don’t know if she got it or not and to be totally honest with you I don’t give a fuck!!
I don’t give a rats fucking arse if they intermingle at work, shit!! I don’t give a rats fucking arse if they fuck each others brains out!!
But what I do care about is that once again…. MaM is intruding on our relationship because his update on “the contractor” this morning (regardless of if it is her or not) reminded me that we have this VERY BIG wedge between us!!
To be honest with you, the fact that we have gotten to a situation where Mon Capitaine has banned all discussion on this subject to the point where her name will never be mentioned again makes me feel like an errant child and I am deeply hurt by it.
I will work it out in my head so I can reconcile it….!
I have to because I have been left with no choice but it totally fucks me off that I am in this situation.
And once again MaM has fucked with our relationship without even knowing she is doing it!……And nope!!! I don’t feel better after writing this…I am still kinda pissed…Oh fucking well!!!