It’s all about the letter “F”

Now I know y’all think this blog post is about the word FUCK because y’all know just how much I love this word but alas today it is not…!!….I am not saying that I won’t use the word fuck in this blog post, I mean hey if I did not throw out at least one or two fucks y’all would think you were in the wrong place!! But FUCK is not the focus!!

This is about “Falling & Failing” Two things that seem rather relevant to me now.

Falling – I have fallen down so many fucking times in my life but ya know what?! I just get back up shake off the dust and carry on…There is not very fucking much that will keep me down in the dirt and I think I am pretty fucking good doing the proverbial “Shaking it off”…..But sometimes….Just sometimes….Getting up seems so fucking hard and I think what is the fucking point when I am just going to end up down in the dirt again!!……Fuck…That was an awful log of fucks…maybe this blog post is about the word fuck after all…sorry!! not sorry!!

Failing – so it is like a cascading effect.. I am so fucking sick of getting up after falling down I feel like I am failing for not just picking myself up shaking it off and moving on. I feel like I should be saying “I got this”…get the fuck up, get the fuck rid of whatever I fell over, hold my head high and move on and BUT because I cannot seem to do that this time I feel like a huge fucking failure and because I feel like a failure I don’t want to pick myself up when I fall so then I feel like a failure again and I cant get of this fucking piss arsed roundabout!!!….Fucking breathe…. I hope you read that sentence without taking a breathe because that is how I wrote it hence the no punctuation!!!

So at the end of the day I am so fucking MAD at myself!! Where is the strong, self assured confident JAD gone…I want her back!! Who is this bitch that got left in her place?! I don’t recognize this person!!

I tried the daily affirmations, I tried the exercise…though I am thinking I need a fucking exorcist!! I’ve tried rationalizing, I have tried to fill my days with menial shit, I’ve tried baking, cooking, cleaning….! fuck I am a regular fucking Suzy homemaker!!

But at the end of what is usually a VERY long endless day I go to bed sad, I have bad dreams, I sleep fitfully, and I wake up sad only to begin another very long endless day!!

Don’t get me wrong it is not all doom and gloom!! I have some highlights…spending time with my kids and grandkids, spending time with the Pink Panther, phone conversations with Mon Capitaine, doing things with my friends but unfortunately this batshit crazy brain right now only seems to be focusing on the negatives which makes me even more mad with myself!!

So now I have to introduce another “F”……..FUCKING FIX it JAD!!!

Seriously!! I am the only one that can FIX this shit…!!!

I have two options – work the fuck out how to FIX it myself…I have been trying, believe me I have been trying and I am gonna keep trying BUT!! If I continue to FAIL then I am going to have to go with option two…. Antidepressants!!! UGH!!! I SO fucking do NOT want to go down that path!!

Option 3….Does anyone have any viable option 3 ideas that does not include medicating to help drag myself the fuck out of this endless FUNK!!!

Just so ya know!!! Getting on a plane and flying back to the US and taking back my old life and my old job is not an option!!  I am just saying!!

41 thoughts on “It’s all about the letter “F”

  1. You’ve done very stressful things all in a lump: leave your job, leave your lover, leave your home, move country. And now menopause is arriving too. No wonder you’re having a hard time honey! Perhaps antidepressants for 6 months are a good idea? Or regular visits to acupuncture/naturopath/counsellor? Whatever works for you. But clearly you need more support than just your own will, so please get some- and reaching out here for advice is an awesome start. take care Jad- the ‘change of life’ brings many challenges, and we need help to meet some of them xx G

    Liked by 6 people

  2. I like G’s suggestion but it’s not long now until the job starts and your days will be busy. Having said that, if the ‘funk’ and sadness you are now feeling is actually a kind of grieving, then counselling/meds might just help you through. There is no easy answer, and if it’s any consolation I feel like you quite often and I have none of those excuses!

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I think anti depressants are for when you’re depressed for no reason. Great job, fucking Ryan Reynolds, a gazillion bucks in the bank and you’re depressed? Ok bring on the drugs baby. You have got a shit load of negatives on your plate right now. So if I was a doc I’d say you’re not depressed you’re rationally feeling like crap because you’re dealing with a giant truck full of crap right now. If you weren’t feeling like shit I’d want to know why. From reading your blog I know one definite-100%-for-certain thing about you…you’re fucking RESILIENT. That’s my favourite personality trait. If you’re resilient you’re winning at life right there.

    Things will resolve themselves. Somehow they always do. One day it feels like life isn’t worth living and the next you’re skipping through the sweet smelling meadow, filled with the joy of a million rainbows.

    I know you’ll get up again though it may feel like combing Mt Everest. I wish you the strength to get up yet one more time and the joy that I know is just around the corner. ♥️

    Liked by 4 people

    • Resilient…That sure is a good way to describe me!!
      I have mostly been very proud of my resilience, but right now though it feels like a burden because I cannot seem to pull myself out of this and I am frustrated and mad that I cannot and I think why the fuck can’t I…I am usually able to!?
      Thanks for your positive thoughts and comments!!

      Liked by 4 people

  4. Change of my routine has helped me reset my life on occasion. When I’ve failed fallen or got stuck in a funk (3F’s I’m so effed!)I try to do one thing differently each day until my mojo returns.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It sucks bad. When I’m down in the dumps I do stuff that I like. I go for walks. I also volunteer. Seeing people worse off than me and still happy helps put things in perspective.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Dear Sweet Jad:
    I’m gonna do this in bullet points so I don’t write a novel👹. It comes too easy to me👹. They’re just some observations and a challenge:
    * you’ve been fielding baseballs (or tennis balls) from a machine that has been throwing them to you nonstop. You are on alert mode and waiting for another shoe to drop, afraid to drop your guard: this is normal and it will subside. I promise.
    * you had a vision in your head about what the move would entail and bring to your new life. Reality was not like the vision. That shit happens a lot. It’s normal not to find your footing for a bit: but you will. I promise.
    * when fight or flight is over our mind is still going in overdrive, it’s hard when the peace arrives at first and there are resolutions beginning- you don’t know what to do with it: this is normal. This too shall pass, I promise.
    * menopause throws a wrench- I know that weighs on your mind: you’ll find a way to balance things out. Throw out the old book of life and how you dealt with it- it may not work at this moment-but so focking what? Other things will, enjoy finding out what they are- hating the journey is counterproductive. The faster you study new ways the faster things can change in the right direction.
    *we can only control ourselves, so take the hand off the wheel from things you can’t: right now your focus should be only on YOU.
    * how we speak to and about ourselves hurt us more than words from others: we believe them. Don’t call yourself something you wouldn’t call another one going through the same thing, be kind to yourself, she’ll be the one getting you out of this juncture. Be tender to her.
    * give yourself permission to deal with the emotions so you can begin to strategize and start being proactive rather than reactive. If we’re always playing defense we can’t do offense- offense wins the game.

    Before you think of antidepressants read the article last week on The New York Times about them. Plis think hard about getting on a long term decision for a short time issue.
    Mindset is everything. Change how you look at things. Everything has a solution. You have many people who care for you and love you. You have a lot of support. You are where you want to be, back at home. Things will settle. You are a force to be reckoned with, that never goes away! It’s ok to take a moment to regroup, don’t force yourself, it never works- when you’re ready it will be instantaneous.
    Darling Life is Beautiful! Thank you for the kindness you give to me and all your readersXO❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You made some really astute observations Sophia, it really does feel at times that baseballs are flying at me non stop!!
    My biggest challenge is that I cannot “quiet” my mind, it feels like it is on overdrive….But I am resilient and I will get there!!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Hi Jad , I feel compelled to respond to your last entry, as I’m sure you know I’m a fan. I have this idea you see, firstly while your not working and you have all this time on your hands , WRITE! It’s what your good at , write another blog about this women who you are right now if not Jad, give her a name and let her blog. Treat it like a job, write my dear , your good at it xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kathryn, in an ideal world I would get a job writing!! I am actually going to try to get back to my book and get it finished. I have already paid for the editor and I do no know how long I can sit on it I mean I paid for the editing 8 months ago

      Like

    • So I was talking to Mon Capitaine and during the conversation the phrase “emotional regurgitation” came up…He said he was going to have to probably change his blog name…..If I was going to blog about this mess I would absolutely steal it from him and call my blog emotional regurgitation!!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Having been on medication? I do not recommend it. Talk therapy is good.

    But you need a job. Something to stimulate your mind. You will get there. Just keep swimming Dory.

    Like

  10. Well fuckety fuck at all this fuckety. I’m sorry it’s shitty right now. It will improve…i promise! Things always seem the worst when it’s darkest. And you are in a dark spot. But work will come. The tides will change. And you will be Jadalicious again soon!

    Liked by 1 person

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