Now I know y’all think this blog post is about the word FUCK because y’all know just how much I love this word but alas today it is not…!!….I am not saying that I won’t use the word fuck in this blog post, I mean hey if I did not throw out at least one or two fucks y’all would think you were in the wrong place!! But FUCK is not the focus!!
This is about “Falling & Failing” Two things that seem rather relevant to me now.
Falling – I have fallen down so many fucking times in my life but ya know what?! I just get back up shake off the dust and carry on…There is not very fucking much that will keep me down in the dirt and I think I am pretty fucking good doing the proverbial “Shaking it off”…..But sometimes….Just sometimes….Getting up seems so fucking hard and I think what is the fucking point when I am just going to end up down in the dirt again!!……Fuck…That was an awful log of fucks…maybe this blog post is about the word fuck after all…sorry!! not sorry!!
Failing – so it is like a cascading effect.. I am so fucking sick of getting up after falling down I feel like I am failing for not just picking myself up shaking it off and moving on. I feel like I should be saying “I got this”…get the fuck up, get the fuck rid of whatever I fell over, hold my head high and move on and BUT because I cannot seem to do that this time I feel like a huge fucking failure and because I feel like a failure I don’t want to pick myself up when I fall so then I feel like a failure again and I cant get of this fucking piss arsed roundabout!!!….Fucking breathe…. I hope you read that sentence without taking a breathe because that is how I wrote it hence the no punctuation!!!
So at the end of the day I am so fucking MAD at myself!! Where is the strong, self assured confident JAD gone…I want her back!! Who is this bitch that got left in her place?! I don’t recognize this person!!
I tried the daily affirmations, I tried the exercise…though I am thinking I need a fucking exorcist!! I’ve tried rationalizing, I have tried to fill my days with menial shit, I’ve tried baking, cooking, cleaning….! fuck I am a regular fucking Suzy homemaker!!
But at the end of what is usually a VERY long endless day I go to bed sad, I have bad dreams, I sleep fitfully, and I wake up sad only to begin another very long endless day!!
Don’t get me wrong it is not all doom and gloom!! I have some highlights…spending time with my kids and grandkids, spending time with the Pink Panther, phone conversations with Mon Capitaine, doing things with my friends but unfortunately this batshit crazy brain right now only seems to be focusing on the negatives which makes me even more mad with myself!!
So now I have to introduce another “F”……..FUCKING FIX it JAD!!!
Seriously!! I am the only one that can FIX this shit…!!!
I have two options – work the fuck out how to FIX it myself…I have been trying, believe me I have been trying and I am gonna keep trying BUT!! If I continue to FAIL then I am going to have to go with option two…. Antidepressants!!! UGH!!! I SO fucking do NOT want to go down that path!!
Option 3….Does anyone have any viable option 3 ideas that does not include medicating to help drag myself the fuck out of this endless FUNK!!!
Just so ya know!!! Getting on a plane and flying back to the US and taking back my old life and my old job is not an option!! I am just saying!!