I’m baaaaaack!! Okay I promise I will not spend this entire blog making cheesy references to movies!! But guess what?! I am “back on track”!!
Do you remember my post about my affirmations here?! Well I kinda sorta failed in that regard, affirmations only work if you actually believe them when you are saying that shit and to be honest I could say those things to myself until the cows come home but if I did not believe them I might as well be reciting the fucking phone book!!
Anyway, I kind of knew when I wrote that last post that I was slipping back into the “Susan” way…which can be fucking disastrous to the self esteem but ya know what recognizing something is happening and changing it is not always easy BUT it is the first step!!
Some people say you need to hit rock bottom before you can get back up….Don’t believe that shit!!…I mean why the fuck do you have to fall ALL the way to the bottom of the gully before you climb out? You don’t!! Grab a fucking shrub on your way down and pull your arse out of there!!
BUT if you can’t grab a lifeline and you do hit rock bottom the ONLY fucking way out is UP!!
I hit rock bottom last week, some was related to the depression and some was circumstances.
I have some major issues with feeling somewhat unimportant or abandoned and while I know that some of it is related to my past issues of rejection some of it is very current and very real. I have been able to discuss and resolve some of those issues with some people in my life but there are others that I am yet to take the plunge and have the conversation with….I will, I am just not ready yet.
I also feel like I lost part of my identity…Truly, I really fucking did!!
Up until 20 or so months ago my self confidence was pretty shitty EXCEPT…. in my job!! For the last 18 years since embarking on a career rather than a job my confidence at work has grown in leaps and bounds despite the fact that in my personal life my confidence was in the toilet I have always felt very accomplished, confident and strong at work and I lost that part of my identity when I no longer had my job….I did not realize just how much I defined myself by my job but it makes sense….When I was in my first marriage the ONLY place I felt confident, strong, accomplished and secure was at my job.
On Monday after having a particularly difficult few days leading up to the weekend followed by a tough weekend I knew that I had to make some changes and FAST!!
Mon Capitaine had also kind of gave me a swift kick in the arse, he reminded me that he had only ever got to know Jad and never knew Susan, until now!!
It is amazing what a difference a day makes AND a positive attitude!!
My entire demeanor has changed, I feel more confident and positive and have finally recognized that I have NOT lost my identity…Sure, I am not longer a successful manager in a leading financial corporation but ya know I still have all those skills and qualities and I have every confidence that the right position will come along….In the meantime I have a little job on the back burner that I am just waiting to start which will keep my mind happy and occupied.
I went for a job interview yesterday for a position that could have almost been tailored just for me. I did a lot of research before the interview and absolutely love the culture of the company. I re-read my cover letter and thought HOLY FUCK no wonder I got an interview, this fucking cover letter ROCKS!!
I went into the interview vibrant and confident that I was exactly what they were looking for, which was such an incredible difference to my past 3 interviews where I already felt defeated before even walking through the door.
I was incredibly well prepared, I had some interesting and thoughtful questions for them and I had researched my interviewers on LinkedIn.
I absolutely know with confidence that I rocked that interview and if I do not get to the stage of 2nd interview it would not be because of my skills, my personality or my abilities….I walked out of the interview knowing without a doubt that both of my interviewers had every confidence that I could do that job and do it well!!
About the only thing left to resolve now is my sex drive…I mean FUCK!! Don’t most women when they go through menopause and or depression lose their sex drive? Mine has not waned even a little in fact I think it has increased if that is at all possible….It is confirmed..I really am a freaking nympho!!
Nymphomaniac: a female whose sex drive is obsessively high. Considered a mental illness (that must be my batshit craziness coming out) , colloquially means a horny girl. Not to be confused with slut or skank where one’s sexual dignity is pathetically low, nymphomania is simply related to an abnormally high sex drive.