Okay y’all I apologize in advance but you are gonna get blog spammed, I have two posts to write and a reblog!! I know I know but fuck it has been a while and I have a
little lot of catching up to do so read on my friends!!
today yesterday I am supposed to be heading to Hawaii and honestly I have to wonder if we are going to make it….Let me tell y’all long distance relationships suck fucking arse!!
It has been an extremely long and difficult few weeks for me and to be perfectly honest with you while I love Mon Capitaine dearly I am not liking him very much….wait scratch that, to be fair, I like him, just not all of his actions and choices.
He went to ROK again and while I was really happy for him because this is his special weekend of the year where he gets to be with friends and family doing something he loves I have to admit I was feeling a little left out and envious that I did not get to go with him again and share this special time.
During the festival MaM managed to fuck with his head again, I know right, that bitch is like a bad fucking penny and she keeps turning up. Anyway he told me that he had more feelings for her than he was admitting to himself and me and that she had managed to hurt him again….The short end of the story was he ended up taking his hurt and rejection out on me and said some pretty nasty fucking things.
I let it pass because it was a rock festival and he was fairly shit faced drunk but the next morning when I asked if he remembered the night before he said every single moment but he seemed to have no regrets or remorse for his nastiness.
It was a couple of days later when we talked I realized he really did not have a clear memory of all that transpired between us.
Rok was a tough time for me, there were lots of times during the 4 days we planned to talk and it never happened. I planned my work breaks, errands and times around being able to talk to him and 90% of the time his plans changed without him bothering to let me know….I felt like I was getting his dregs….I know he was at a rock festival with his family and friends and that I perhaps should not have an expectation that he would think of me during that time but wrong or right I did!!! Fuck I was out at a club drinking and dancing with friends Saturday night and still thought enough about him to reach out and text. There is never a day when I do not think about him several times through out the day and he is my first thought when I wake up in the morning and my last thought when I go to bed at night.
But things are just getting harder and harder, we fight often, usually about stupid shit.
I feel him pulling away or distancing himself from me. I don’t know if it is a conscious decision on his part or if it is just something that is happening subconsciously in preparation for our “big goodbye!!!”
So if y’all had not noticed this post was started yesterday and I am finishing it today, I actually stopped writing to talk to My Captain on the phone. We talked about my feelings about how our communication has been the last few weeks and about events that have transpired. Honestly we are both trying to do the best we can with what we have but it really has come to a point where I think we are both realizing we just cannot continue trying to be lovers and we really do need to move to being the amazing incredible friends that I know we are going to be for each other.
During Rok I did extract a promise from him that he will not fuck with MaM until after Hawaii, honestly I am not sure if I can cope with it but after a few days I realized that was a really shitty thing for me to do so I told him on this phone call that I was retracting that request. I am going to be totally honest with y’all here, I do not know if he will get back with MaM before or after Hawaii and at the end of the day the choice is his but I think he would be a fucking idiot if he does (I’m just saying) her past history has caused him endless pain, hurt and rejection and I do not understand his fascination with her BUT if he does get back with her I won’t judge and I will be around to support him if I need to.
This post is about Hawaii or bust and to be honest when I started to write it I was really having some doubts that we were even going to make it there, so much so I was concerned about making the last payment on our accommodation which is due today but after our phone conversation I feel much better about it.
I just know that whatever happens its important that our beautiful friendship remains in tact. I love My Captain like I have loved no other and I will always need him in my life…He is my constant and I hope he always will be.